Wednesday, December 8, 2010


Christmas is coming and we are having lots of bittersweet happening around here.
We are in the foxhole of gratitude as we learn to be grateful for what we get.
I haven't bought 1 gift as of today, the 8th day of Dec.
We have Food Stamps which were supposed to reload yesterday but didn't. The kids and I were in the parking lot at Wal mart when I called to check the balance and found out. Thank You Lord that we were not in the store with a basket full of stuff.
I had a small check that I cashed and managed to get enough gas and food for the day with. Maury has been working consistently and can get an advance today to see us through.
I called Social Services to find out what the deal was and they told me there was a delay in the system because of the overload of recipients. I left 2 different voice mails with 2 different people and as of this morning our balance is still $0. No one has called me back.
What shall today bring?
A good thing that has happened this Christmas is that we are actually doing Advent together as a family every night. We light the candles, read Jotham's Journey and then pray. It has been fun and sweet.
We are being thinned down and tested. The crud, the greed, jealousy and ungrateful attitudes have been revealed. Suddenly, even watching the little birds seeking and eating seed becomes a Holy moment. I am thankful.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

still sleeping

Imagining my children full of life, touched by the healing of the Lord, happy and healthy and wanting to learn. Imagining them fully immersed in their gifting and talent doing what they love to make a sustain a living. Imagining them being who God made them to be and loving it.
That is why we home school.
12-13 years of home school and my in laws are still trying to talk us into quitting. We must hand them over to public school teachers who can do what is best, they say. Then the wife can work full time and we won't have the financial trouble we have.
Yes, right, Public School is the answer to every problem we face now.
This advice comes from people whose marriages have been many.This advice comes from people who have never had 5 kids. Who never experimented with the drugs, sex and rock n roll side of life nor admitted the wrongs they have done to their own children nor admitted weakness. Who openly denounce that their is someone above us who loves us and created us. This advice comes from small town hopes and dreams and people who have never told us that we did anything right. People who keep a safe distance and only come when there is tragedy to give "sage" advice. People who wouldn't recognize raw talent if it smacked them in the face. Who like what they are told to like and believe in themselves just enough to get by.
Can you tell that I am over it?
I have never tried to convince anyone of the benefits of home school, because I don't feel that I have to.
Whether it is choosing to not vaccinate, teach at home or raise chickens(someday maybe) we have not come to these decisions lightly, we have done the research, we have prayed to the one above us, we have sweated and struggled and we continue to learn as we grow. Why then, the disrespect and insinuation that we have done what was natural and easy, without thought or statistics or education?
LOVE IS...patient, kind, long suffering, not rude, not proud, hopes all things, believes all things, endures all things, Love never fails.
Lord help me to love those who may never understand.

Sunday, November 14, 2010


It seems selfish and I have never done it quite this openly before. Today I have written down my ideas, my hearts desires for the kind of Thanksgiving and Christmas that I imagine. In my heart these desires abide.
I have been carrying them around,these wishes and wants for a long time and as the days near I find that I am heaping on additional values/standards and today after I read my devotionals,Bible etc.I decided that I needed to unload.
To some this may not seem like any big deal because you may be used to sticking to your desires and think nothing of following through. You may even do it without a moments hesitation, make it happen without a breakdown and enjoy the process. For me to articulate my dreams is a big deal. To capture and release is unheard of me, til now.
Probably what sparked the idea to even approach this was my devotional that told me to read about Abraham when he took his only son that was a result of a long awaited God promise to the altar of God to obey God and murder him as a sacrifice to God.(He didn't have to after all, God provided a ram instead. Whew!) Sounds really mean doesn't it? Well, the devotional writer asked me to ask God in prayer to surrender my dreams to him, to let go and trust Him with the desires that He has planted in my heart so that I am not clinging more to the dream than to God because if there is a dream that I have that is not part of His plan for my life than He will not Bless it and obviously I don't want to go alone trying to make something happen that is not for me. For a long time now, that kind of thinking has kept me from voicing my wants at all, because of my perfectionism problem. I don't even want to ask for something if it could be the wrong thing so I have given up on asking. Seriously.
Before I could out think myself, I grabbed my journal and wrote "I Want" at the top of the page and 4 pages later(yes, 4) I felt done for now. I started with my descriptions of what the Holidays would be like around here, then on to what gifts I want to give, the tools I want for my kitchen, my garden aspirations, my technical desires, career options-the list was like a big release of breath that I have been holding in for a year. It feels good to breathe in again.
After I finished(for now)I closed my book and the first thought that came after my breath of freedom was that I was selfish. Here I am making a list of what "I" want and it is mostly to do with "stuff" and atmospheres and well, me.Who do I think that I am laying out my wish list of demands?
Well, let me tell you, little voice that seeks to destroy me, who wants me to fail and forget that the God of the Universe who I believe loves me and is always with me, accepts me and understands me, who I claim knows everything about me, well He is not upset with me for spitting this all out! He already knew what was in my heart, I do not need to be afraid of myself. He is not afraid of me. So there.
Some of my wants have been laid out today. I do not lay them out as a bribe or a ransom or as absolutely anything than what they are. They were in and now they are out and I feel lighter.
I give them to you Lord, what do I need to do to bring them to pass? I know that You will guide me in. If they are not the kind of desires that You want to Bless because You know what is best for us, then I know I will figure that out because I can trust You to get my attention and speak to me as I listen to You. I vow to not be lazy or complacent or irresponsible and call it faith. I faithfully believe you want me to work, to work wisely and with love.
I think I see a lot more lists coming on...

Wednesday, November 10, 2010


Sick of this____________!!!
Today started with a way too early rise and shine from my toddler around 6:30 am.
It continued with an email from a loved one who is generously going to bail us out of our foreclosure asking me what would change in our lives after the rescue. What are we going to do differently to keep ourselves from homelessness?(NEXT month) Great question.
I have been researching my own dreams and talking a lot to my husband about his. See, the problem is that we have never had one. Not even one, especially one together. 17 years of marriage and no vision for the future, we have been living on the edge for far too long. Putting out fires with gasoline.
After throwing around some lifestyle change ideas and thinking that we were on the right track, I called the generous one and told of our so called plans. What came next, me crying a lot as I listened to the truth about how we have always, ALWAYS, always had money problems, that I don't have to live like this and that my husband is primarily responsible for not providing or protecting or maintaining good relationships with the generous one. I listened and I accepted and I agreed, how can I argue, we have been idiots and it shows.I hung up. Crushed. Squeezed and now on the very edge.
I have no idea how to turn our lives around. I have lots of ideas of what we should do. I have 5 kids and no help in raising them. Did I mention that yesterday was a long day of driving and waiting and driving some more. Stitches out from brain surgery that 12 year old had 2 weeks ago.Unhappy, whiney, screaming and crying kids, Mom coming down with most recent virus to come our way. I came home and collapsed and today I awoke to be crushed.
My head feels like a melon and I have no appetite.
Dreams? Oh yeah, I've got em.

Thursday, November 4, 2010


The time has been announced and the date set, Dec 14 2010, ironically my 5th childs 3rd Birthday, is our court date for the loss of our home of almost 3 years.
The down payment for our house was a gift that was only to be used for the purchase of this home. We have never even come close to saving a 5th of what we were given. This house was a step up from where we were, a stab at suburban living, a dream I have never had.
We must learn the hard way, anyone else have that issue?
Grace must abound. We are allowed to make mistakes, my biggest fear, the thing that torments me is that my children suffer for my stupidity, they will either learn from our mistakes or make the same mistakes. Ugh, that is the part about having kids that breaks my heart. The inheritance.
That is why I suppose it is very good news indeed that the Lord has adopted us into His family and calls us children. His children. We are His inheritance, He is ours. If nothing else I pray that my children will know the Truth and walk in it. That they will love Jesus and comprehend His love for them, that they will walk in forgiveness and love and fullness of His Spirit. I pray that the problems we face, like the loss of a house, physical ailments, feeling inadequate, out of place and awkward, being broke and unable to change it quickly enough. I pray that above all else, that we would know the Love and acceptance and provision of the Father.

Monday, November 1, 2010


Yesterday we joined in some festivities to commemorate the fall with lots of costumes and candy. The kids were; Dylan, a bunny( I haven't seen the pictures yet) Peter, a scary scarecrow thing, he didn't do because he felt too tired from surgery on Wednesday, but he still got plenty of candy! Joshua, the best Darth Vader ever-Maddy, the most beautiful pink and black cat/girl and Ramone, the knight in shining armor that wanted to fight any and everyone who had on any kind of armor or carried a weapon.
We had fun and ended the evening with a trip over to Papa's then home for a movie.
Mimi left yesterday, those of us who were gone to Duke returned on Saturday.
This is probably going to be a rough week with the recovery and recovering of our schedules, plus some sugar detox and realities of responsibilities building up.
We are in foreclosure, our house is falling apart, I got laid off, plus all the usual stuff that keeps us consumed.
Lord, You are our hope and our Salvation

Wednesday, October 27, 2010


I am feeling quite tired at the moment and wondering if I should pamper that feeling or stuff it way down deep. I am sitting in Pediatric Intensive Care Unit with my 12 year old who had Brain Surgery today. He got out around 3:30 we left a little after 4 and I came back after dinner, shower and putting the toddler to sleep. Peter is snoozing bigtime. He is in control of his own morphine drip which he has hardly used.
His only complaints have been hunger and thirst. He can't eat or drink yet for a long time.
We are sharing a room with a mystery patient who seems to be a little girl and from the reflection I sometimes get a glimpse of, might be bald. Her mom(?)I think is very blond, very southern and very talkative and has already gone on a rampage about poor service because there are more patients than private rooms available and she wants one now. She wanted one yesterday. She was pretty irate and the nurse is kissing her_____. I wish I couldn't hear everything, all I can hear is their TV and their constant talk. I am glad that my son can rest through it all.
The oldest boy and the youngest boy are at the Ronald McDonald house hopefully sleeping by now. I don't know how long I can make it. I am thinking 2 am is the max. Then I can go back and sleep, then return in the am, maybe Maury can come up early and I can sleep in. Kind of hard when we are all sharing a room to sneak in and/or out without waking anyone up.
I want to eat and there is a no eating rule here in the room, I have to go out into the waiting area to eat and drink.
I am not complaining, I am being lazy with my writing and only telling what is going on at this moment. There has been so much that needs to be written.
Much much more to go.
Until later. I love you Lord, thank you for everything.

Monday, October 25, 2010

about to go

Today is Monday of all Mondays.
The weekend was a bit jammed with one thing after the next thing.
My mom in law arrived on Saturday night, I started Saturday morning with a conference that convicted and reminded me and gave me great hope.
I have a set of goals. At last! I have never been a successful goal setter because there is a lot of chatter in my mind and yes, at times confusion. One day's conviction is out weighed by the next days desire and so most "dreams" are thrown to the dogs.
I have learned of late, by the Mercy of God that this is called...(anticipation and drum roll please...)Submitting to temptation which then leads to sin.
My yes has not been yes, in some areas.
My goals are applicable to every area of life that I live and our sauced in Grace.
Thank you God for second, third and fourth chances.
For humbling me and showing me my detestable pride that keeps me from getting up after I have fallen down. My fear of man, my inability to trust the one who made me and then called me His own.
I will post my goals later, but I want to comment on them now. I find myself immediately challenged. For example, one goal is to go to bed early and rise extra early to give the Lord the finer first fruits of my day. This started Saturday night,as said-my mom in law didn't arrive until 9:30 pm, my new bedtime(at least 4 days a week) but i was gracious and had work to do still. I went to bed at 11, praying for good rest and that the Lord would wake me up early and still help me make it through the day.He did and I did!
On Sunday, I really thought I'd better try harder, but as it turned out I was busy again until about 11-not on my pleasure mind you but on preps for the trip today.
As a faced the option of praying and asking for my Dad's help, I can hear the voice of the enemy whispering that I should try harder and not ask for help because God is not going to help me if I don't get to bed on time! I pray anyway and my sleep is so deep and I am awakened early and I feel great so far. I could tell you the same type of scenario in 2 other goal areas.
I truly believe that God has spoken these goals to me and as I lean into Him, He will bring me to see them happen and He will grant me new conviction and more dreams as we go.
Today, Maury, Dylan, Peter, Ramone and I are leaving for Duke, NC where a team of Drs. await Peter's arrival so he can have brain surgery on Wednesday. We are expecting to be home on Sunday. Mom in law is staying at our house with 2 dogs and 2 children. Many people are praying, bringing meals and taking a child to their house here and there. It is going to be an amazing week.
I am looking for You Lord! Show us Your Glory!! Call out to the dead mans hearts! Astound us again with the reality of You and Your love for us. We are depending on You. Thank you Jesus!
I love you

Sunday, October 24, 2010


A few days ago I sensed the Lord calling me to a specific verse. Do you ever have this happen? My husband and I were praying and he said,"The wicked borrow and do not repay and we don't want to be like the wicked, so Lord help us to get and stay out of debt"! Well, that is something I can agree with, and it impressed my heart and mind and stuck with me in a way that most prayers don't. That night, I decided to once again pick up my Autobiography on George Mueller and what page should I open to but one with a Scripture explaining why him and his mates decided not to ask openly or beg for their needs to be met for the orphan homes that they felt called to operate. This time it was Romans 13:8 "Owe no one anything except to love each other, for the one who loves another has fulfilled the law"(I did that without looking it up and without hesitation, Praise God!
Then the next morning when I sat down to my Bible reading time, I opened up to the assigned chapter, Romans 13 and there it was again. That is when I knew that this verse was for me. I love it when that happens. Thank you Daddy.
Keep on showing me your love, open my eyes and ears and show me!!
I had also already had it heavy on my heart that I was not really applying myself to memorizing scripture. I know some just because I have been reading the Bible or other books about the Bible and done may Bible studies through the last 13 years, but I haven't been really trying, I would write a verse down on a notecard and read it several times per day but not be able to take it to heart with my mind.
I was checking my blog subscriptions and one of them was about why to memorize scripture. It had a few you tube vids from John Piper on the subject.
First of all, I had no idea that he ever yelled from the pulpit. Secondly, I had never thought about all the useless weapons I yield towards the powerful enemy of my soul. Thank you Mr. Piper!
Again, I knew that the Lord was speaking to me all at once. To call me to a deeper, more committed walk of His Word.
At the bottom of the post there were also some links to sites that help you with memory verses. Awesome! I have only joined one,, and I love it. It is actually fun, not overwhelming and it works. If you want to grow in your memory verse bank, this is a great way to do it. I have yet to check out the other suggestions.
My goal is 10 verses by November 15(I think)
Already, I realized how many I do know, just needed to put the address on and pay closer attention. And I definitely know Romans 13:8, it is my meditation.
Thank you Father, my King.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Lazy perfectionism

"Procrastination refers to the counterproductive deferment of actions or tasks to a later time. Psychologists often cite such behavior as a mechanism for coping with the anxiety associated with starting or completing any task or decision."- Wikipedia

I see a common curse in our members. I want to reap the results without the effort. I try hard, I fail miserably, I decide to find another way and try again, I give up because I failed again. I hate to fail. To have a track record of should not haves.
Instead of repenting of my sin(most problems I struggle with and most victories I am not experiencing, I say most, the reason is because of habitual sin)I try harder in my own strength, then when that fails I blame the battle and try to avoid it by joining the other team! I am a traitor. My devotion is all over the place.
Discipline, Grace and Spirit led Obedience.
There is no easy button here.
I know what I should be doing.
I heard a truth today from a loop in the Chiropractors' office. Dr. Ben Lerner was on the screen talking about God made food versus man made food. In order to have a "Body By God" one must not focus first on deleting the bad stuff, he recommends the approach of first adding in the good God stuff. I know the truth hidden in this. I can't maintain a devotion to the good and the bad.
If I start adding in the good God food, I find the power of the bad stuff is weakened.
Overcoming the evil with good(Romans 12:21
Same truth applies to every area. It is not the list of do nots that motivates me. It is only when I do, when I seek Him first and fill my mind and mouth with the good God things that I am released from the desire to do and say the wrong. It is by being in the Presence of one so Pure that impurity is revealed.
I am saddened by the thought of many faces I know that are feasting on the world and growing empty everyday, refusing to drink the Living Water and eat the Bread of Life.Fully aware of their own personal failures and walking in guilt. Come die! So that we may live,
what is it that holds us back? What holds you back from doing the good?

Saturday, October 16, 2010

fight sin before behavoir

This link first, cut and paste into your browser

awesome, what can I say. I am such a to do list gal that I have a hard time believing that God can help me when I can't help myself. But He does! Every time I run to Him first instead of a well designed plan for victory, I am enveloped in Grace and power. The catch is that I have to admit that I have sin and that sin is the problem, and to recognize that means that the Holy Spirit is gonna be at work in me. According to the Word, it is not me or other people that point out my sin, it is a work of the Spirit. I think that sometimes I assume that the Spirit is present to make me feel good or high on life(false)then when I feel badly because I am not walking in obedience or truth I think it is the devil instead of repenting. A lack of repentance is what kept the Pharisees from believing Jesus was God. I think that we are afraid to admit our own sin, we admit our failures-but not our sin that lead us there. We are not bad people who just can't get it right and there is no amount of trying harder that is going to make us better. We are sinners saved by the blood of our beautiful and mighty Savior who suffered for us and calls us to the same. Conviction from His kindness, His Spirit within, we bow down and we worship Him, we realize His Highness and "better-ness" and it is through the humbling of us that we see Him as He is and find ourselves grateful that He loves us so and is not calling us to do anything on our own. In our weakness He is stronger, Hallelujah! Failure is not to be feared.
Our weakness, our inability to be perfect is a path leading us to Him.
Before we try to be better, we have to admit that we can't be better apart from Him
If we feel that we are perfect, that we can try harder and we seem to get better without Him, we are deceived by pride and that is cause to repent.
Repentance is a gift-
Sin is insidious-but by His Blood we are free.
Fight the good fight
I love you

Friday, October 15, 2010

love it hate it what to do with it

"In your struggle against sin you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood." Hebrews 12:4

No, indeed I have not. I avoid struggle at all costs. Lord, heal me of me self protection. Denying myself is so hard and it seems that the only way to do it is to remain face down(in the Spirit if not in the flesh) at all times. It seems like my flesh is like a dog that is constantly waiting for the opportunity to jump up on me and establish dominance. Down boy, down! That is the cry of my spirit.
I am overwhelmed with thoughts of hatred and disgust for the pride I see in others which is really the pride in me revealing it's ugly head. Is there anyone else that longs to be free and is tired of this world?
I am so full of me.
"Rid me of myself, I belong to you." Jennifer Knapp

Not because of the world, but because of me in it. I am torn. Come Jesus, come!

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Givin up

Have you ever given up?
As in realizing that there is something that you value more than the Lord and His leadership and you find yourself running to that thing and looking forward to that thing more than Him. You realize that you have an idol, a false idol that must be taken down and all worship thereby repented of so that true fellowship with the Father can be restored.
Have you ever heard Him ask you to give something to Him?
Give it up.
I have. and I did. Then I ran up to the altar when I thought no one was looking and I stole it back. I changed its name and dressed it differently in hopes that no one would recognize it and I could even live peacefully in deception myself with the same old substitute. The pattern drives deep. I am in my many years later with my habitual sin. God has opened my eyes to my own desperate measures and shown me that I do not need to hide from Him to come clean.
Again I am confounded by His attention to little ol me and my "little ol" sin.
But I willingly give it up.
I choose Him because of Him.
I know what to do, He makes it quite clear what I am to do instead of;
for example-
Instead of complaining...give thanks, praise Him and trust Him with the situation
Instead of looking to ? to satisfy-stop, drop and pray, look to Him to bring true satisfaction
Instead of judging, forgive
Instead of gossip, shut up
Instead of pity, rejoice in your trials

and I could go on.
Right now I get it and I do not want to forget it! The peace and the joy and the stillness that my soul is experiencing in this place of Him and me, I don't want to lose it. The Trust is happening and the fruit is love.
There is no change on the outside-but I am getting it more now. Fear of returning to the place where I worship my idol and indulge my self with sin could drive me to worry but instead of worry I am to...not worry-
Deny myself, take up my cross and follow hard after You.
Luke 9:23,24
23Then he said to them all: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.
I thank You God for every failure of the false-every trial that I have that only brings me closer to you. For the privilege of rising above if I will let go below.
You are so good to me and to all who love you and are called according to Your purpose. For it is in losing my life that it will be gained.
"24For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it."
I never knew I had a life until I met You.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Free Gift

"And you were once dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience--among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind. But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together in Christ--by grace you have been saved--and raised us up with him and seated us with him in heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them." Ephesians 2:1-10

How truly opposite of this truth I want to live! In my bad habit of walking in the flesh, I find myself turning this truth upside down. Here is my flesh version;
"I must look for good works to do, we all must. Then I must grit my teeth and do them in return for earning a right to get into heaven which is supposed to be good right? I am going to be a better person today, a better "Christian" by trying harder-He helps those who help themselves, Right? And like a good friend who wants to help me out but would rather see my character suffer to develop, god is watching but won't help. He is waiting for me to get it together so that I can repay him for what he is giving me even now. I can be perfect, if only he can wait another day. There is no such thing as free for me. I am a hopeless case, he is unable to do much with the situation i am in. If I was not so disobedient, he would help me. I have to "do my best and let God do the rest". All self help is god's way in disguise, he is interested in my success. I am not that bad am I?"
Sick, sad and false. How hard it is for me to accept something I have never had nor will ever have on my own Freedom. Grace-For Freeeeeeeeeeeeee....
In our world it is much better to give than receive, right?
Yet so opposite of what the Lord wants to do with us. He wants us to receive from Him, Jesus is the ransom paid. Thank you Father and Son. I can't add anything to that. The gift of grace is free for us who faithfully believe. We can't even take credit for our belief! He says he called us first. How much my pride is forced to let go of. We are His workmanship, not our own. It is His kingdom we are in and going to. It is His, all His-we are His, all His. Enjoy this free gift.
Only in accepting it continually for ourselves are we free to give it away to others. Others who hurt us, offend us, use us and frustrate us. Our friends and family, our inner circle. No way I can do that on my own, I must receive this precious free gift. How about you?

Thursday, September 23, 2010

What today

Nice morning, Thank You Lord.
I don't feel like doing anything today, just laying around, maybe eat then shower at some point. I am not depressed or anything,I just feel like being lazy.
But I won't be, not today.
Today is library day, meatloaf and mashed potatoes with gravy day and it is always time to clean the house and do the laundry day.And a school day. Apparently it is also the day of my toddler getting up way too early and not leave me alone day. Later on, it will turn into going on a date 1 and 1/2 hours to meet a guy from Norway that my man hasn't seen since high school(30 years ago)day. Oh yeah, the toddler will be attending.
Lord, help me rest in Your Presence today, no matter where I am or what I have to do.
This is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it.

Monday, September 20, 2010


My faith is in God
where else can it rest?
Monday morning can bring the D word(disappointment)which actually tries to start creeping in sometime over the weekend when I realize that the weekend is going by and I still haven't done what I wanted to do,
my problem?
An unrealistic standard set about how much one can do in a day.
Our Church just started a new series about stewardship and we each received a book(full of blanks!) with a pen(to fill them in!).
We are to track our spending for the next 6 weeks and see how we are spending our money and then work towards a budget. There are several real life steps we are invited to take.
You know what scares me about all this?
I am so forgetful about what I thought was important yesterday. Today, I am onto something new, which is most likely something old. I tend to rotate my solutions and blow them up regularly.
It is hard for me to stay on the straight and narrow. I can't do it as a matter of fact.
SO, as I get the nifty little book of blanks, this time-I check my spirit. Back to Jesus. I can participate, I can do my best but I can not force my husband to do it to my standard of excellence and truth be told, I am not even going to be able to reach that standard myself. GRACE
That's what I am talking about, I have to trust in the Lord and swim, maybe even backstroke in His Grace every moment of everyday. This is all going to work out for the best, and if we could get there on our own...why would we need Jesus?
Lord, please help me to keep my eyes, my heart my faith, rooted in and set on you. You are able. You make straight the crooked path and use the simple to confound the wise. You are a lamp to my feet and a light that leads the way. You speak to me and tell me which way to go. I am leaning not on my own comprehension, You are so not me.
You are a different being all together. Help me to never forget that.
You do the impossible everyday. You love me to the moon and back and I can never repay what you have done.
Open my eyes, my ears to hear-my heart to receive and my mind to grasp the depth and height, the strength of Your Love.

Sunday, September 19, 2010


I called my mom on the way home from church this morning. After not knowing her for 27 years then reconnecting when I was 30-8 years now- one thing I have learned is that if I don't call her, she doesn't call me. It makes me mad sometimes but I have resigned to acceptance, so I just call her often. Lately, she has a new job and I have a terrible time reaching her. Today, she answered even though she was at work.
She told me that her Mom died 2 days ago(yes, my grandma that I never knew) Phyllis had spent the last 40 years in mental health facilities and finally assisted living.She developed some serious mental issues as a young woman, and even 6 kids didn't keep her from it. My mom has told me over and over again that the woman that has been living like that is not her Mom. That it is way too painful for her to visit. That her mom doesn't even know who she is,so she has not had a relationship with her for many years.
Even though I have only talked to her once on the phone myself, she did praise God and know who I was-I felt incredibly sad as my mom justified her reason for not attending the funeral which would be today. She had to work. And, she didn't want to see her Mom as she became but to remember her as she was.
Sad. I am sad and ashamed that this is my mom. How selfish and un-compassionate and ignorant of doing what is right versus what feels good, can one be?
And then I know that I am being un compassionate to my mom who is obviously full of hurt and needs completion.
Her biggest concern about her mom was whether or not her Mom was going to make it through the pearly gates or be cast into the burning lake. She voiced that concern to a regular customer whom she knows is a Believer and he responded by giving her 2 books, one by Max Lucado and one by Franklin Graham. Thank you stranger and brother!
I have nothing to say to her, I am often in this state when we "talk"
Lord forgive me for my lack of compassion and my refusal to reach out to know Phyllis when she lived. I pray she rests with You now.
I pray that my Mom's heart will be pricked and healed as she reads about You. I pray she would put You first.
Help me to forgive as I have been forgiven.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

learning curve

Thank you God, for grading me on a great big curve
For being so patient with my obstinance and big ideas of how to be better.
So the question I feel that I need to ask myself each and everyday is;
What if nothing ever changed?
What if I never wear a single digit size of pants ever again(this side of eternity)
What if we are always just barely getting by on our income
What if I never change for the better
What if I forget to pray
What if I ask for the wrong things
What if someone I know lives in sin
What if I live in sin
What if everything gets worse
What if I can't do anything to stop the worse from happening
What if Church is always somehow not right
What if I forget to be good
What if we always sleep in
What if we eat the wrong food
What if nobody likes me
What if nobody likes us
What if nobody cares
What if I say the wrong thing
What if God isn't who I think He is
What if, what if? What if....
Matthew 12;22-48
As I have really thought and prayed a lot lately about my long list of shortcomings and failures, it all really came full force when I read a blog about striving.
Why do I embrace striving?
Again, there is a balance-to not strive does not mean to not try, it means to not try harder.
in other words,"enough is enough already"
I get so caught up in what I want and what I think, I don't give God any room to move in me, or rather I resist His movement in me. The path becomes blocked with sticks and stones and stumps and trash. Disappointment, un-forgiveness, bitterness, anger, control.
The only way to clear this path?
Sit down, shut up and listen- "STOP!"
Wait on the Lord.
I get so caught up in trying to pick my way through the junk and clear my own path that I fail to notice that I am exhausted and I am not getting anywhere. Then, the LORD in His mercy, grabs me up and sets me down, again.
I am listening now, LORD.
So He says,"Remember who I am, what I can do, my capabilities, I am fierce and mighty, Holy and not like you, I am the Only One who can do what I do and oh yeah, I love you. Just like you are...still. So be still and know that I am God. Live like you believe Me. It is not me who is impatient, I have plans and I will see them through. I don't need your help, you get to help-Strive not to please even yourself, let go and let life happen. Deny yourself daily,take up your cross daily and follow me daily. I've got the whole world in My Hand. That includes you, I created you and I chose you for such a time as this. I will not fail.I love you."


I felt it in my bones, why? I am not sure-why...all I want to do is create and craft and play in paint. I have been gathering my thoughts and they have been plentiful, I am resisting the urge to buy more stuff and be resourceful-that always leads to the best art in my opinion anyways.
I have been knitting, coloring, sewing and cooking-
I have a bunch of ideas of what is next, paintings that need to happen, beads to make, cards to create, letters to write, BUT FIRST;
I had to color my hair!
Very, very red. My hair is to the small of my back now with shorter layers around the front and long side bangs, so coloring it is quite the process. Good thing I am a professional! So after 2 lovely long hours at the beach enjoying drinking in every single moment, I stopped off at the beauty supply and made my buy. Reddest copper red and red brown with a little red orange. and by 6:00 o clock Friday night, my hair was hot.
I am really enjoying the change. It won't be permanent, I love to rotate between brown, almost black and red-I just can't seem to leave it alone.
Thank God this is an option for me.
Right now, I am shirking housework-my toddler is still in a t-shirt and a diaper, we have already partaken of the birthday monkey bread(thanks Paula Dean)and too much coffee. This is Maury's birthday weekend- I will be making a cake and chili today too. Teenage son is away at a weekend retreat. There are so many things I want to do with this time. Mainly, I want to savor and enjoy every moment of it.
I am going to write another blog right now about what I think I have learned from God this week-it just wouldn't go well with this casual account of my desire to create.

Friday, September 17, 2010


Well, He has done it again...God has relieved me of my job as the one who thinks she knows everything and can do it all if she just tries harder.
I am now accepting Grace, thank you Jesus.
Why do I forget?
Why does everyone else have a cross to bear that looks so much smaller and prettier than mine?
What do I want?
The joy of the LORD to be my strength.
and like a grape as hard as a marble, I shoot out across the horizon and try to avoid being pressed down and squeezed.
I recant-
a few blogs ago and i think that I may have deleted it later, I went on a rant about how much I hated the first woman's ministry event that our church put on. Because it was about acceptance and love and being a bride, blah, blah, blah--also insert beautiful artsy girl(not me)reading awesome poetry and I sat there jealous, because I can be beautiful, artsy and poetic, right?
I sat there and thought to myself,"I hope that someone else is getting this, because I don't need it." I was so blind to my own need for acceptance, which I am now accepting.
God is so gentle and thorough in His discipline process. Like a loving Father.
I am resting in His Grace, I am willing to be pressed.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010


I am not okay, so don't ask. OK?
Why is it easier to read about other people suffering in silence through Nazi concentration camp and be inspired and even believe that they did, that God Blessed them abundantly for it and that somehow I may even be able to do the same, then for me to suffer my self inflicted sorrows for a day?
We are on the verge of foreclosing on our home, serious surgery for our almost 12 year old and a whole slew of daily inconveniences. Can I find a way to shut up and suffer? Can I please trade in my long list of disappointments(that grow by the h
I am looking for you Lord- I am in my private place of wilderness. Please hear my prayers, I am repenting of unforgiveness, unclean thoughts and cruel words.

My last dream before waking was me going from here to there with varying groups of people in different environments and asking everyone,"Where's Gerard?"
Gerard who? Butler of course.
How dumb! I don't know him, but I have fallen for his image of a fierce protector(SPARTA!!)hopeless Scottish romantic husband that dies young(P.S.I love you) and sexy bounty hunting ex husband who screws up a lot(The Bounty Hunter)
In my dream, I felt dumb for asking because I knew that he was coming, so I would laugh nervously every time I would ask where he was. I just couldn't wait.
maybe "Gerard" is my subconscious name for the Lord! Sorry if I have offended you Lord.
Save me Lord and I will be saved.

Thursday, September 9, 2010


been feeling down. I keep hoping that I will get enough sleep and wake up feeling like doing life again. It has been almost 2 weeks since I quit all sugar and sweetners(except for stevia)and all grain products. Though I did splurge on Blue Corn chip nachos and a few carob covered almonds and a few chocolate covered espresso beans when we were in the mountains. If you know me than you know that it is a breakthrough for me not to have more than a few of anything sweet! I really felt the detox of it on the 3rd and 4th days and then I felt great, now I am breaking out and exhausted again. And I have been such a _______!
There is that little voice that reminds me that my expectations are a bit high after all. I tend to run full throttle until I hit the wall, that is just me. I am reading George Mueller's autobiography again and can see that he is the same, with an illness that comes on every so often and puts him in a literal place of submission and provides a way for him to write. I know I am not the only one who requires this kind of boundary.
I am bummed out about Church again. Feeling out of place and wondering where to go. I have been serving on Sunday's in our preschool department for a few monthes now, I like to do it a lot. I have been missing the services though, because they never did that much for me anyway, and we are having a hard time figuring out when to go. It just doesn't seem like a day of rest when we have to run around from here to there and get home way too late.
My kids started Awanas at a very large, very established Southern Baptist Church up the road. Last night was their second time. They love it. There is even a class for Ramone, he is a Puggle and has a cute little t shirt and tiny backpack. On our first night I mentioned to the lady at the sign in table that he would probably not do so well by himself. She invited me to stay and asked if I wanted to volunteer for that class. I had said as much on our registration sheet yet had no reply,so I was excited to be invited and said,"Yes!"
I did not say yes out of obligation or guilt or because I can't say no. Though maybe that is why I have said yes in the early years of attending church and I ended up burnt out fast! I learned my lesson. It took 10 years.
I was given a t shirt and welcomed into the room, well-sort of. The other ladies there to serve didn't seem impressed or excited to see me. They have yet to ask me anything about myself or talk to me much at all. I look directly at their faces and I smile, I get a,"What?!" look back. The only thing that they did say to me the first week was that it would be different next time, there would be order and more of a plan because all we did was put out toddler fires and try to keep the peace while holding 2 or 3 kids that cried for 2 hours. It was no different this week.
I didn't feel like going yesterday, I was tired and sick feeling, but my kids were excited. Ramone, after he was shirted and backpacked up, insisted that I put on my shirt so we could go. I did and we went. After dropping off the older ones, I went with Ramone to our class. I was the first one there and was met with the head lady saying,"Oh here's Juliet, can you take Tatum?" Then I was handed the "la petite crier" and thus began another 2 hours of winging it that ended with a,"Thanks, see you next week."
I am wondering if this is some kind of initiation,like hell night at the Citadel or the 6 weeks that they make the freshman go without food for their stomachs, just torture and mean words to feast on.
I will go back, I will be praying much more and I will be looking for the Lord in all this.
I am currently reading a book about orphans while following a blog about people visiting and caring for poor children in Guatemala and I am trying to figure out how to see Jesus in an American child who looks adorable in her "matchy, matched homemade clothes, with headband to boot who is screaming in my face non stop" or the littlest girl there who wouldn't stop hitting other kids over the head and shoving them down, or the other volunteers who look so burnt out I can almost smell the smoke rising from the ashes. Jesus, are you there?
I like the traditional Church though, which is funny since the one we go to is deliberately non-traditional, which is probably why I long for tradition. I was telling my husband that I just want to hear more Scripture and Biblical History, not so much personal stories in sermons or underhanded recommendations and insinuations about our lives and the choices we make that would indicate to the pastor within 5 minutes who we are and what we need,(so they think)
I am studying up a lot on the Jewish Religion and teaching our kids about the Holidays and looking for Jesus in all that. There is a local messianic Jewish congregation and we also know some people who observe the Sabbath and the Holy Days, so we may get to learn some of this stuff first hand. Though I am fearful of becoming weird and religious, but I am so hungry for more. Church just feels...irreverent?
We watched the movie Date Night and though it was a silly comedy with an unrealistic plot it did speak some truth about what happens in our over busy lives in marriage. We become"excellent roommates" Not exactly what we think will happen, but it do.
I am wondering what we can do to avoid that rut or to get out of the one we are in.
Being on the verge of financial ruin and preparing for your almost 12 year old to have brain surgery next month while dealing with an unhappy 16 year old who blames you for his unhappiness and a almost 3 year old who goes non stop am to pm, does not make this any easier. We have our hurtles.
Lord,we are dealing with some stuff-Please help!
When I read the final line of Psalm 139 this morning that says,
"see if there is any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting"
I want to laugh and cry. I only feel offensive-as Tina Fey's character in Date Night said at one point,"Do you think that I can't hear myself? I don't like being such a _____!"
I know that my way is offensive in me. No testing required, my faith is small and my desire is big.
Lord, lead me in the way everlasting.

Monday, September 6, 2010

make love and stay in bed all day...

well that is what I would like to do today.
I just arrived home last night around 8 pm with a car load of road weary, hungry children and two dogs, to a locked,dark and empty house. After breaking in, through the front bedroom window with across the street neighbors watching avidly(sure they loved that, i know that i did)I proceeded to unload the car with lots of arguing and accusations, mostly of which were in my head.
I was so mad because my man wasn't home to greet me with a meal, flowers and praise for my awesomeness. He has been working like a dog for the past two weeks mostly out of town, until he returned on Friday and I had already been gone a day at that point. Every time I would start to mentally attack him for his inconsideration because I had to come home to a dark, empty house with no food, not even milk, I was immediately convicted that I had no right to such complaint since he cam home to the same thing a few days prior. But my mind couldn't let go. I lugged in the stuff, I cleaned up a bit and unpacked a little, saw my oldest son as he returned from a long day, grabbed my keys and headed out to the savior of cheap and easy dinners, Little Caesar's. I fielded a phone call(finally)from my man who was cheerful because he was done with work and we would see each other soon. I spoke coldly and hung up a little too quickly, hoping he'd notice my frustration. At the pizza drive thru I got my final revenge...I ordered 2 peps and 1 cheese, no 3 meat treat! My man hates the cheese only and loves the 3 meat treat. I justified it because it is cheaper, but I knew what I was doing.(Forgive me Lord)
On the way home from the drive thru, my Ramone wanted to hear one of my favorite songs, on the way there I made everyone listen to the wind blow through the sun roof as I burned with rejection and somehow now seemed like a good time for a song.
I conceded to listen to one song, one time(not easy for a 3 year old)and found myself being ministered to in the night air as Marvin Gaye and Tammy (someone) sang "Ain't no mountain high, ain't no valley low, ain't no river wide enough baby, if you need me call me, no matter where you are,no matter how far..."
This has taken on a new dimension as I just returned from the mountains and not too long ago(after my man had been away working for 2 weeks out of state)I had blasted this song and sung it to him with hand motions while driving. I was listening to it, and finding my heart tendered-my longing to be loved awakened, when what should I realize but that the big white pick up in front of me was being driven by my lover and friend. I cheerfully tailgated him all the way home, and we kept the windows down while blasting the next request, Justin Bieber"Shawty is an einy meeny mynee mo lover"
That's me all right, "Shawt" and constantly having to chose between loving myself first or choosing to love my man-
If it wasn't for Jesus, this wayward heart would have no hope,
Today, all I wanted to do was make love and stay in bed all day...but with a toddler, a band rehearsal, laundry, dishes and thin walls in cramped house with close neighbors(inside and out)...well, it's just not happening. I never thought that abstinence would be our best birth control method, we haven't chosen it willfully, that is fo'sure.
Maybe tonight's the night? Or tomorrow perhaps? Then there is always the next day...

Friday, September 3, 2010

A mountain day;

We came to the mountains 2 days ago.(I started this blog last night, so the date is messed up, I only had time to type 2 sentences before bed! I am blessed to have a sleeping toddler this morning-Praise Jesus!) It only took 7.5 hours. I have the Dvd player in my van, so I have the pleasure of having 4 of the 6 children with me. We arrived late, 9:30 pm which made it all the more magical when we got up and left the house this morning. Oh what majesty!!!
I am so amazed by the glorious craftsmanship that surrounds me. I can't look anywhere without seeing blankets of trees with an occasional abode peeking through. Driving up and down over the swelling roads and 1 mile seems so much longer than usual. My instinct is to move here, to flee from the shore and dive into the hills instead. And I wonder if I would get used to it and then the beach would become my amazement again.
The only thing that is not amazing or inspiring are the man made strip malls, run down hotels and same old stores that pop up everywhere. At least in the mountains, there is no way that they are going to block our view- the mountains will not submit to complete re fabrication like the lowcountry. I know that it wasn't always this way for the salt marshes were too difficult to travel and so much of the coast was left undeveloped. But with many advances there has come to be lots of roads and lots of stuff to stand in the way so that you can't see our beach unless you park and walk down onto it.
I guess it is because the mountains are, well,"up"-so nothing prevents them from being seen. I love the country-and I find myself knowing that more and more my dream life doesn't consist of concrete and close neighbors. I am soothed by trees and sunsets, fields, seashores and sand dunes, the Lord speaks to me in the whispering wind through the leaves and the chorus of insects(that wouldn't let me sleep!)through the night. So, wherever I live in my dream, it will not be in a crowded lot, but with lots of nature in my face all the time.
Yesterday, we took the kids hiking up to the top of lookout mountain in Montreat. It is a 1 mile hike to the top. I was usually the last one with Ramone, my friend April in front of me with Buckley. Ramone is almost 3 and Buckley is about 6 months older than him. They walked so much more than I expected. As a matter of fact, Ramone and Dylan, my now 16 year old are similar in many ways, one of which is that from the age of 2-5 they run everywhere. Ramone learned that when you do that on a mountain trail, with roots and rocks and dry dusty dirt, you will fall. He fell about 10 times. He tripped and skidded, he tumbled and tripped-he took on extra dirt on his face...he worked my nerves. But, praise the Lord-he never fell onto a rock or off the side of the mountain!
Something I know about myself and my prayers is that surely God must laugh at my fear. I prayed going up for safety and protection never thinking that would mean as my toddler ran and refused to learn from his stumbling to walk with slow carefulness. God answered my prayer and protected us even though we all have our issues. In my eyes, this would be easier if we all didn't have strong personalities that like to run instead of walk. I am ashamed of my fear. He is always so gentle to reveal my lack of trust.
Thank you Lord for protecting us from ourselves! And for fashioning us all in unique troublesome ways, with desires to do the impossible and short memories that lead us to depend more on you than history. Forgive me for my fears and desire to control, help me to find my safe place in you and say no to the worry that whispers to me in the night and day.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

good morning

Psalm 59:16
"But I will sing of thy power; yea, I will sing aloud of thy mercy in the morning: for thou hast been my defense and refuge in the day of my trouble"

It is the week again and honestly I was having a hard time recalling which day it was and it is only Tuesday! My man was home for 2 days then gone again for 4 or 5. He was home just long enough to readjust. While he is away, I usually try hard not to miss him, but this time I am reminding myself to miss him.
You see, I am so good at being self-sufficient and independent even when he is home. I probably leave him with the impression that he is not needed much. I don't think that this can be good. Relationships shouldn't be based on neediness but we all need to know that we have a purpose and that we are wanted.
There is a balance somewhere between co dependence and independence, I have heard it called interdependence. That is what I want our family to be, often it is a battle.
There is so much that seeks to divide and separate and to call us to be other than we are called to be. The closer we get to realizing our dream of life as a family the more the opinions fly, the suggestions increase and the misunderstandings abound.
I keep trying to get in his face and like a child say,"look at me" but I can see that he is distracted by so many things. Trying to figure out how to save the world. So when I hear a single friend sharing the horror of another bad date, I say to her that she must pray and be certain that is what God wants her to do. She expresses the concern that she has been waiting a long time and that she just doesn't see how she is going to find a husband any other way.(without looking herself)and I think of the verse where Jesus says he could raise worshipers up from the stones if he wanted to, He can give her a husband if that is truly what she needs and He can do it anywhere. She tells me that she is lonely and I say,"Marriage can be lonely" she looks at me in curious amazement,"Really?"
"Yes." It can be.
Should it be? No. Does God want it to be? No. Are people human? Yes.
SO yeah, we all have to find the cure to our loneliness in Christ, our constant companion. He is the only one who fulfills and satisfies all the time and He is practical and romantic-
I pray that we would see the kisses You send us today Lord-and that my husband would know clearly that I love him and need him.

Saturday, August 28, 2010


"Though the fig tree should not blossom,
nor fruit be on the vines,
the produce of the olive fail
and the fields yield no food,
the flock be cut off from the fold
and there be no herd in the stalls,
yet,I will rejoice in the Lord;
I will take joy in the God of my salvation.
God, the Lord, is my strength;
he makes my feet like the deer's;
he makes me tread on my high places."
Habakkuk 3:17-19

Well, there it is, I guess that waiting for everything around me to be"perfect" is not part of the plan for worship.
Consider my uh, garden-if that's what we'll call it.
When we bought this house 2 and 1/2 years ago, one of my main attractions to it was the variety of landscaping. It had landscaping. In one corner of the backyard, there was an area surrounded by a low picket fence. There was a contraption and an old grape vine stump. I was full of enthusiasm about my plans to raise food for our family. In my mind I pictured hours of togetherness spent working tirelessly on our hands and knees, then many days of fruitful harvest. The children being sent to the garden to gather vegetables for dinner, me being the awesome friend who always had some food to give away. Not just any food, home grown-pesticide free, pretty organic vegetables.
The first year we lived here, our 5th child was about 5 monthes old when we moved in, it was Spring. I was suffering from terrible low back pain and had no knowledge of the condition of my body(later I was diagnosed with issues)A good friend who is a landscape artist for a living, found a heirloom tomato hook up and not only did she give about 20 plants to me( I think more) I was too busy holding Ramone and feeling bad to be able to plant them, so she came over and made rows in my garden and planted them for me. I stood by with Ramone in a sling and felt mad and dumb and grateful. I let go of my dreams of planting stuff with the kids, it just wasn't going to happen. We had many unique tomatoes that year, we also had bug problems and some black spot and bottom rot, and blight-and some other fungus I can't think of. I couldn't work in the garden to ward off the bugs and weeds, no one else was into it and by the end of summer it looked like a Vietnamese jungle. There were giant spiders everywhere and you had to risk your life to go around inside of it to get to the fruit off of the vine.
In the fall we burned it and my husband recommended that next year we didn't plant so much.
I was diagnosed with lots of disorders and a need for surgery arose that fall and winter, but by spring I was ready to plant again. I planned more carefully, I sowed a variety of seed and small plants, my friend came with tomatoes again and this time we did them in pots on the outside of the fence. They were so much happier and easier to manage. I didn't plant enough sweet peas to even make a pound in total, but I loved that plant the most, it is so sweet and elegant. I lost the nerve to weed out the weak cucumber plants and ended up with an enormous amount of them. The fruit was bitter and the leaves got blight from overcrowding. The Okra didn't do as well as the year before. I picked the watermelons too soon and they were white on the inside. By the end of the summer, it was a jungle again-
we burned it in the fall.
This year-
I went through a phase in June, my husband was away with the 2 older kids for business and I decided to start weeding. Hey, I know it was late-other people were already reaping from their gardens, but I figured that I could wait since we live in the south and it is a long season. Plus, I wanted to avoid the whole jungle thing.I weeded, I dug and I turned over. I planned and I planted. The kids helped plant-I gave them each a row. They planted sunflowers. That is the only thing I seem to have any luck with anymore.
The watermelon is back, it volunteered. The sunflowers didn't do as good as usual and when I look outside-I am frustrated by my weedy looking garden. I have weeded and re-weeded so many times that there is a giant pile of dead, wet "compost" threatening to take over. There is a family of mice living back there somewhere and I guess no snakes yet. I am ready to torch the entire thing.
So, now what? I have a dream of having a successful garden.
I have many dreams of being successful at many things.
and though the weeds are plenty, though the bugs prevail...nevertheless-I must rejoice in the God of my salvation. He is my strength and he will make me tread on my high places.
Lord, help me rejoice in my garden, even when I see nothing but failure. Help me to remember that you will bring good out of it all, that you have already taught me so much. You are faithful, I pray to be faithful to you.

Friday, August 27, 2010

Is it really Friday?

I woke up and the first thing I thought was the last thing I thought,"I can't do this."
Typical to this train, I am about to step on board while I also am looking around on the platform hoping that someone will be running towards me frantically shouting for me to "get off! This is the wrong train!!"
But instead I am greeted by my Lord as conductor and as he punches my ticket he says," I know you can't, you never could...come in and sit down, rest and enjoy the life Christ died to give you."

"Turn to me and be gracious to me,
for I am lonely and afflicted.
The troubles of my heart are enlarged;
bring me out of my distresses.
Consider my affliction and my trouble, and forgive all my sins." Psalm 25:16-18

And HE does, and HE has and I am so thankful.
I am glad it's Friday, this week has been a landmark; A last minute trip to Duke with our 11 yr old, talk of impending brain surgery, almost not being able to pay our past due electric bill, first day back to homeschool and using the new chore system. Daddy being gone to find work out of town, because there is nothing here soon enough. Running out of rice...
The train has definitely left the station, yes ma'am...she's a goner!!

Thank you I am never doing this alone.

God is always with me

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

A wonderful day

Today was our first official day back to school. Our lives have been a bit upside down in the last few years, with me being sick and all, our 16 year old son being so...ya know, 16. A year and a half ago,my husband was laid off from his "secure"job at a major builder the same week I had to have a complete thyroidectomy. Homeschool, by the way, was the right way to go through all this. It just keeps me on my knees and gives me plenty of opportunity to die to self and serve others.
To go back even further, our 2nd born child was born with a genetic disease in which he seems to display all the classic symptoms. It is called Tuberous Sclerosis Complex and for him so far has meant a struggle to control seizures. In the past two years, it has gotten harder and a few monthes back we decided to switch medicine for only the 3rd time in 11 years. He also had a routine MRI and is on the schedule to have a specialist look more closely at cysts on his kidneys and a genetic counseling appointment that we are finally submitting to.
Two weeks ago he had the MRI and 5 days ago Dr. Mikati called to let us know that we would be coming to Duke on Monday for an appointment with the neurosurgeon, Dr. Grant. It appears that there is a growth in Peter's right ventricle, nick named"SEGA" and it will need removed as it is causing him to have hydrocephalus. The Doc didn't say when, only that Peter didn't seem to be displaying any alarming symptoms and let him know if he develops any. He also told us to take any family trips that we were considering. I am not sure what that meant.
The funny thing was that I was mostly mad about the appointment being on the first day of school that I had scheduled! You see, for about 2 years our lives have had spurts of structure that has revolved around how I felt on any given day. Sometimes I would fall asleep while reading out loud!
Finally, I am well wnough to only require labs every 6 monthes instead of weeks. I can exercise hard and not suffer with the rebound! I can sleep a normal amount of time instead of like a cat.
Thank you Jesus, this year I feel good.
I am prepared and I am planned.
Now, we will be organized and planned and systems will be in place. Routines are being taught and I am understanding more what it means to train a child. And this year is going to be great because our God is Great. Even if it means that one of my children will be having an operation on his brain.Even if my husband doesn't land the perfect job and even if my 16 year old will turn 17. I am trusting Him.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Do you know what someone said to me?

Today a very good friend of mine said that neither I nor my husband will "let someone tell us what to do" I do not take this as a compliment! It was said in the context of a conversation in which I was sharing our decision to seek wise counsel about the serious financial rut that we are in. God has always provided for us everything that we need and more. We are not perfect. I am a stay at home mom who teaches and trains 4 boys and 1 girl everyday of the year. I am committed to being an excellent wife and mother. Financially I have gone from a clueless brat to a grateful child. My husband is on the same track. We are both in need of wisdom from the Lord in how to live.
We have received so much help from the church and yes, even the government. Relatives who are not Christ lovers have blessed us and helped us in many ways.
Our lifestyle is not extravagant, though we do tend to rent too many movies and never plan trips. We want more. To be debt free and able to live without worry that the money to pay the electric bill will never come in. To have a 401k and a college fund for each child. To be average. To take the yearly trips to Disney, pay for every trend and consume only the finest of fare. We deserve it...right? As I was speaking to a trusted mentor and friend about our many needs and my frustration with same old problems, my desire for a 401k, she said,"Yeah, but where is God going to be glorified in a 401k?" I get it, everytime I start with my complaint and this line of "don't I need to have it all together(on the outside) to bring God all the glory and impress everyone with his order and goodness" thing, he reminds me of this 1/2 inch biography of George Mueller that I read about once a year.
You see, George rescued and raised many orphans in England when there was no extra money around. It is said that once he set the table and then prayed, thanking God for the food and blessing it. The trouble on that table was that there was no bread. Imagine being a child at that table! Then the knock on the door-a unplanned visitor with food for their meal. God is real.
I am not saying that I want to live in such a way to willingly put God to the test by being a poor steward then relying on Him to come through for me. I am saying that we are doing what we are being led to do and things seem to be getting worse not better(from our narrow view)Is faith believing that if I do A, B and C then God will bless me and my problems will vanish? NO!!!!! That is the way of the religious heart, not a heart that knows that God is Good and can praise Him when the tides don't change and the famine continues. Who isn't dependent on it's own goodness to carry it through but leaning heavily on God in every way. To know Him, to fellowship in His sufferings, to love Him- that is the call.

"He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit."-Jer 17:8

Is fruit being born? Yes! Praise God, I am learning to go deeper in my root system, to search for the living water and to believe in the one who rules the weather. Drought is not forever for us! Thank you Jesus. Our leaves are green alright, we are green all over!

Our decision to go to the counselor is in hopes of finding an objective party who is not soaked in our worldly secular society who understands our priorities of raising kids before buying more, bigger, better stuff. So, the comment didn't sit well with me. Because "thou dost protest too much" I have to ask myself,"Is this true?" I know that it is. I struggle with pride. Call it independence, call it knowledge and a need to know. The Lord calls it pride and it is not a virtue. It opened up hell and brought sin to all humanity, it is the beginning of the end-and it is so sneaky!!
I very rarely will ask what I should do and will just forge ahead with great ideas I have formulated from experience, what I have heard and what I have found out.
I decided right then and there to ask my man(we were on a long road trip)How many times a week he thought I should be working out. What he thinks I should be eating and what time I need to go to bed with said wake up time of 5:30. Some of his answers surprised me. Especially about the diet. He has much higher standards for me(based on my physical conditions)than I knew.
I am going to do what he recommended! So there-my first step in letting someone who loves me tell me what to do. And yes, I am also going to apply that same attitude to my relationship with the Lord. Aren't you proud of me for repenting??(ha)

Sunday, August 22, 2010

by now we know...

well, by now we all know that my "goals" and time standards are my weakness. I love to set myself up for defeat. What I have been up to?
I have been getting ready for summer to end and school to start. Wondering if we will be able to pay our past due mortgage and all the utilities that go with it. I have been preparing for us to stay. I turned my decluttered sun room into a place to do haircuts for friends and family for the summer-but as I pondered our school needs-I realized that my children love school stuff and God gave me inspiration and a way to rearrange our home so that we could use what we already have and only need a few items to have a classroom. I moved it all around, went through our school books and gathered a few supplies. I won some online curriculum pieces. I have planned the overalls for most subjects with little funding. One schedule is done, yet may prove to be completely undoable, chore charts are up, meal plans in place- I have a few finishing touches here and there. Yesterday, my awesome handy man hubbie built their desks and they are now in place with drawer carts ready to be filled underneath.
This room has become the perfect place to do school! Thank you Lord!
And planning to start tomorrow, I was blindsided when I received the call on Thursday evening to tell us that we will be going to Duke on Monday to see the brain surgeon for Peter instead. Bummer.
Schooling in the car, oh well-
adaptation, we can do all things through Christ who strengthens us.
This is why we need Jesus and this is why we homeschool- one of many reasons to homeschool.
Praying and believing that "He works all things together for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose."- Romans 8:28

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Monday, July 5, 2010


The question is not of earning or meriting or coercing anything
from God. The question is: having tasted the goodness of
God in the gospel, how can I maximize my enjoyment of him,
when every moment of my life I am tempted to make a god out
of his good gifts? By what weapons shall I fight the fight of faith
and guard my heart from alien affections and treasonous
appetites? Surely I will take the sword of the Spirit, the Word of
God, and I will pray. But I will also take the poor and hungry
handmaid of faith as my help. In her weakness she is strong. Her
emptiness magnifies my need and makes the perfection of God
more precious. John Piper A Hunger for God

Now I am back on a disciplined plan for meals for me and my family. To avoid chaos and the spending of too much time and money trying to decide what to eat everyday for a family of 7. In order to streamline this area, discipline is required,(sigh). So, can I continue to see the "system" as a fast? I am fasting from disorserly eating on a whim, emotional eating and eating to try and satisfy my soul hunger. I am consuming food, but limited amounts of specific items. I am fasting from processed, fake, white stuff. I am fasting from idol worship.
When I looked back at my food journal on this system, I was shocked to see what a terrible job I did. Sometimes I ate 2 breakfasts! And rarely did I stay within the guidelines on portions at snacktime. Not only that, I was having a total pizza and ice cream pig out on Day 3! Yes, Day 3! What the?
I really couldn't understand why I didn't have any results. Deceived, Denial, Duh.
Now, the trick is to be structured, disciplined, orderly and mindful with Grace and intention. To continue to pursue a fasting lifestyle along with days and/or hours of specific fasting.
My only Hope is in The Lord, He is my Salvation.

Friday, July 2, 2010

Fear not

"Fear not, you are of more value than many sparrows"Luke 12:7

Oh, how I needed those words today. I do so much out of fear, so much that I am not even sure how much! A few years ago, after the time that I had my fourth child and only girl-we were going through financial strain and I decided that I would go back to work part time with my Dad and even though my DH(dear hubbie) supported this in theory, he didn't know how to take up the slack or live without me being available all the time. He also didn't like all the "fun" it seemed like I was having as I went on trips and shopping sprees and had an independence that was new. I could have chosen right away to walk away and submit to the facts, being that my family needed me and it wasn't working towards harmony but dragging us apart. But, I was so selfish and felt justified that they all needed to learn the hard way to quit relying on me, so I kept tugging.
Right before all this began, I had started to take a common prescription drug to cope with my overwhelming disappointment at the way my husband"helped" and my inability to stop crying. I had so much sadness. If you have ever been touched by true depression than you know what I am talking about. I got on the drug, for about 6 months so that I could think clearly and then decided that it was time to quit because I hadn't cried at all in that time. I knew that I would have to battle with the same demons again but I felt prepared knowing that.
I was no longer crying, I was angry. I didn't cry at all until I was on a business trip receiving a massage and it all came out. The massage therapist asked me permission to ask a deep question, I gave it and he asked,"What are you afraid of?" I was shocked. I hadn't realized the connection to my fear and my anger or my sadness. What was I afraid of? I didn't know exactly, but I began to look for it. I knew that I was afraid of leaving my family alone, esp my kids with their dad because I thought they would end up dead or worse...dirty and dressed all wrong. I was afraid of being poor and dependent, of not pleasing my Dad, all this situational stuff. What was at the root?
A few years go by, the question keeps coming back. I worked some here and there, but when it came to the point of my kids needing to be put in daycare, I would quit. We moved to another state and then my journey continued. After a year of being here, I was surprisingly pregnant. I was okay until after the birth. Then it came back, the anger to the point of tears, the nail digging frustration at my position(stuck in bed while the world fell apart) I had no joy, only pain and suffering. Yet,one day as I sat there wondering why,the Lord let me in on something. My anger was how I dealt with fear. Fear was the root. I had anxiety, but always thought that meant that my hands would tremble and my voice would shake.I had not attributed anger to being a response to fear. It was true. And in His gentle way, He has continued to show me how much I fear.
When I read this verse today, it stung me. How much of my worry is fear? All of it. I am afraid that if I don't do everything right or at least try than I will be to blame. I am afraid of trouble. Afraid of failure, afraid of being overlooked and forgotten, afraid of missing out on all the fun, afraid we'll never change...
but I wasn't acknowledging any of this fear because it is so natural to do something immediately in response to it to try and make it go away.
I wonder if the reason we turn to false idols is out of fear. Obviously not the right kind of fear, the fear of God-but the fear of stuff just not working out the way we thought it would. For me, I would say it is true. An idol of mine has been, "Skinny" I have thought all this time that "skinny saves" so I have sacrificed to her for many years. I didn't want to admit it, because I really thought it was true. Now, I know it is not. Skinny can not save me. Only God can. So I pray to not bow down to her. What I must not do is worship anything else in her place, except God of course. As with most idols, there is nothing wrong with her until she becomes my source of all satisfaction, a job reserved for the Lord. The answer is not to worship,"Fat" as if that would lead me to joy, because it is just another thing-not God. Only He can satisfy, Seek Him first and all else will be added. He is aware of my every little need.
I think that this equation will work for me with most things. Like money, if I am afraid of being poor and I don't take it to the Lord first, I am likely to worship money and do its bidding. If I am afraid that people don't like me then I am going to bow down at the idol of pleasing people more than God.
Lord, help me to keep You first! Thank you for relieving me of my fears, help me to rest in You. You are able to meet my every need and You know more than I do what those needs are. Thank you for everything in my life that calls me to fear, because through them, I am driven to You. Show me how to fear You above all else. Forgive me for my irreverent ways. Help my to teach and lead others into that God based fear. I love you.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010


It must not go unnoticed that Jesus
triumphed over the great enemy of his soul and our salvation
through fasting.-john piper

Jesus began his ministry with fasting.
And he triumphed over his enemy through fasting. And our
salvation was accomplished through perseverance by fasting.-john piper

“[God led you in the wilderness] that He might humble you,
testing you, to know what was in your heart, whether you would
keep His commandments or not. And He humbled you and let
you be hungry” (Deuteronomy 8:2).

Richard Foster’s
comment in The Celebration of Discipline that “more than any
other discipline, fasting reveals the things that control us.”

Fasting is a periodic—and sometimes decisive—declaration
that we would rather feast at God’s table in the kingdom of
heaven than feed on the finest delicacies of this world. -john piper

Therefore the fight of faith and the battle to behold the
glory of the Lord day by day is fought not only by feeding the
soul on truth, but fasting, to put our appetites to the test, and
if necessary to death.-john piper

Lord, I know that I need more of You and less of me. When I read about fasting or any spiritual discipline I am overwhelmed with excitement and ready to take it on. I have learned from the past that all too often I commit to a long term fast with goo intentions and then forget what I am doing or like this last time I cave and find it too difficult-so I give up.
I am not able to fast in my own strength anymore.
Please help me and lead me and keep from the sin of lying.I know that I need to fast for the right reasons, I am in a special place as a teacher, leader and friend. I need you to speak through me, to show me how to live free of gluttony Thank you fro breaking the chains of the enemy, thank you that I do not serve sin, please lead me in all righteousness to live a life worthy of the call.

Monday, June 28, 2010

where am i?

My newly found routines of being a single mom (for two weeks) with 3 children 10 and under has now been interupted and I am found to be a wife and mom of 5, ages 16 and under. I kinda missed some things about my big guys, but there are so many things that I didn't miss. Having older children lurking around means having your things that you have done undone and usually not redone until you redo them. Like locking the doors at night. I had a perfect little routine. I would lock the storm door, the dead bolt and the knob. I would lock the sunroom door and the workshop stayed locked since I never go in there and when I do, I lock it back immediately. I would also lock the garage door to the outside and the inside door to the garage. These also almost always stayed locked, since rarely were they unlocked without my knowledge. Since the junior and senior men have returned, there has been a lot of open, unlocked doors- a lot of in and out. And this is the kind of thing that gets on my nerves when I am trying to go to sleep after "locking up" I find that part of the problem is that when I am with the 10 and under crowd, I don't expect them to cook their own food or to put away left overs after dinner. But as soon as the big guys are back I am depending on them to just come along side and serve and pull weight, but they don't work like I do. I get mad, I get worried and I get frustrated. I run late and I am disappointed. How can I be so dumb?
Lord please help me to "possess my vessel" and lay my expectations down at Your feet. To let them be guys and ask for help plainly when I need it. And when I don't get it, let me be grateful anyway. You are my Rock, I can lean on You, I love you and I thank you.

Saturday, June 26, 2010


"If I continue to preach the Gospel and more importanly LIVE the Gospel in this community, though the outward conditions of the people may never change or may change very slowly, but if these people can come with us to Heaven, a few years of suffering will pale in comparison." From the Journey written by Katie who is living in Africa and has given her life to serving the people in Christ.

Lord, how often do I not do anything because I am certain that my little effort will not make a big difference, not enough to show. Lord I pray for Katie, for her protection and the protection of all the lives that are coming to her to come to You. I pray for provision and to give as much as you ask me to. Lord, those babies, those women, they are so beautiful-I long to hold them, to bandage them to pray with them, to feed them. It is crazy that I would have affection for little ones that I have never met. Please continue to give me passion and compassion for the hungry and the hurting. Free us from complacency and greed, ingratitude and self righteousness,shallow lust and hate-all these fruits of our twisted culture. We are like spoiled children in our casual confessions and lack of conviction. I don't want to be spit out! Lord, free me from the lukewarm!
Continue to grant Katie and all those who help her, fullness of Spirit. A love that won't be depleted.
And here I sit, with an 11 year old that is "impossible"Lord, forgive me-love him through me. Help me to see him as you do. Transform his heart-yes-but also heal my hardness, impatience and frustration. I am sorry.
I love you and cannot live without you, nor do I want to. Use me Lord, just use me.

Thursday, June 24, 2010


"Between the dangers of self-denial and self-indulgence there
is a path of pleasant pain.It is not the pathological pleasure of a
masochist, but the passion of a lover’s quest: “I have suffered the
loss of all things, and count them but rubbish in order that I may
gain Christ” (Philippians 3:8)." -John Piper/A Hunger For God

"When God is the supreme hunger of
our hearts, he will be supreme in everything." -JP

Whom have I in heaven but thee?
And there is nothing upon earth
that I desire besides thee.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion for ever.
—PS A L M 7 3 : 2 5 - 2 6 , R S V

God, be the supreme hunger of my heart! Lead me on the path of pleasant pain that I may gain Christ. I long for more of You.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

and then

Been a little while and I am feeling it! My thoughts are all jumbled up with all the sidenotes of stuff I want to write about. It is going to be a mish mosh mash thinks I.
Today was good with a bit of decluttering coupled with a good phone call to catch up with a friend. I finally rid my 2 year olds dresser of his winter clothes, which was taking up 3 of 5 drawers. I think it is finally safe to say that we are not going to have a 'cold snap' for some time. This daunting task took all of 6 minutes and again I wonder why I procrastinate and make such a big deal mentally about little tasks.
My Dad called me around 9 this morning to let me know that I am a sister again!
His wife gave birth to their second son in 2 years! What a joyful thing, a baby!
New hope and sweetness, a physical reminder of what it is to love and care.
My heart is overjoyed for them.
Last night I let my husband have a verbal whippin because he has been using his time away to indulge our 16 year old in extra curricular "Blues Jam" activities. Hence, many nights spent out at bars. It makes me sick.
I am so over my husband not being into the Lord. Lord I know you know, and I am sorry. After I called him out on what he has been doing, he sheepishly admitted that maybe it wasn't the best way to spend his time and decided to stay in. Which meant that he and Dylan had to get out of the car and come inside. After talking for a while more he commented that he missed me. I asked him what he missed about me and he said, "this" and I can still hardly believe it! Me telling him what is right and what is wrong? Is that my purpose? Am I enabling him to be an infant by giving him direction at times? Lord, I long for a manly husband. Someone to spark with. This is how it has been for so long. We come back to this place where the best way to imagine it would be me telling him to dominate me. It just never works. Truth is maybe I wouldn't like to be ruled over like that. I have just accepted that part of us as us at our worst. At our best we work well side by side, each doing our part and not expecting the other to do what we are already doing. It just leaves me in an awkward position when it comes to our roles.Our God given roles. I don't want to be disobedient or disappointing to the Lord. I have backed off and I have submitted to so much. My expectation truly is in the Lord and the impossible things He can do. I have let go of so much, how much more do I have a hold on? I have decided to fast and pray as led for breakthrough in Maury and our family's faith in the Lord in general.
I do miss my man, I will call him that, he is all I've got in the husband department! I let him know that I missed him physically, I am sure that got his truck wheels turning towards home.
What I really want is for him to stand alone before you Lord. That he would know that You are God and Jesus is the only Way and that he would be filled with passion to know you more and seek your will for his life. That he would have a vivid,real prayer life and love you more than me or anything this world can give. I pray he'd admit his failures and repent of sin, that he would be free from whatever it is that holds him back and keeps him in a state of impotency. For life lived to the fullest and an abundant overflowing love expressed clearly. To be a mighty man of God and for me to be wife to that man. His love for me to be effusive and obvious. I want him to want me. Not because I tell him what to do, but just me. Want God, then me. That's what I want.
Last night I watched half of High Fidelity with John Cusack and laughed a bit to myself. Whoever wrote it, nailed the characters. The dialogue and monologue is really funny. I like it even though it reminds me of past lives that I never lived, though I am sure that am an extra somewhere on the scene.
My 20 year high school reunion is coming up in a few weeks and I will not be making it. I have very mixed feelings about wanting to go and see what really is going on in Columbus. I would have to go for a walk down High Street to all my old haunts. Of course a trip down the road where Smith Farms was and through the old neighborhood. Part of me is all about this nostalgia and I get weird imaginary feelings as I consider it. But-that is all I am going to do this time. Cause I can't afford to go anywhere and if I could I am not sure that this would be my choice.
I am afraid that I would face of ton of rejection and other people would be so much more successful, namely my old friend Robin who is going, and seems to be living the dream in California where she has settled down after many years of traveling the world and is a paralegal who is engaged and expecting her first child in 5 months or so. She is the star. Who am I?
I know that it is silly to think this way. Just because somebody is a star in Facebook world does not equate a fabulous life. It is just an image thing. I am not so sure what my image would look like in Ohio. It would be weird. just saying.
So, I think that everyone but the dogs is asleep and tomorrow is another day with plans for the beach in the a.m., after the chiro of course, I may even grab some frappucinos on the way to the beach for my friend and I to indulge in. Then home and breakfast for lunch. A restful afternoon(i hope) and kids to VBS for a time while I do a friend's hair at my house. Whew!
I am not even asleep yet and I need to get up soon.
I finished reading the book Green by Ted Dekker today. Weirdest one out of the series. Lots to ponder. Would love to have a sit down conversation about the Bible and stuff with him.
oh well. gotta go
Lord, give me right words, words full of light and truth, love and salt-Use my mouth to proclaim You. Cleanse me of all filth and wasteful words, don't let me be afraid of silence!

Sunday, June 20, 2010


I am so much enjoying blogging that I can't help but wonder how long this habit will last. I never thought that I would exchange my pen and paper for a laptop. I have previously enjoyed penmanship way too much. But as for today, right now-I am pleasantly obsessed with typing.
Took back 3 of the things that I bought last night from Target and proceeded to buy 3 newer ones. Love the choices I have made so far. Thank you Lord. Even though I do not have to pray about these simple little decisions according to the Naked Gospel and I know that I don't HAVE to, I still enjoy bringing it all to my Dad in Heaven and watching how it all works. What a privilege.
Went onto the 11 o clock service where once again I have noted the lack of teaching on the Gospel. We are in a series on Family and parenting specifically. We sing songs about Jesus before the message and proclaim him as Savior. Then the message assumes we know the basics(like the gospel) and moves right on to a "to do" list on righteous living. I agree with the basic principles and the teacher made some great points and abbreviations for stuff like, "Rules - Relationship=Rebellion"( a quote from a known author) and "Quality+Quantity squared" a time equation and I was very impressed by the said speaker's manly ability to shoot a bow and hit the bullseye on stage,(almost) Here it is Father's Day, why not address the Fathers? Why not address the statistics that you shared on how the church is losing members, lifelong members and why people take God for granted and then walk away never to return?
I spoke to a friend this week whose unsaved husband does not wish to allow her to bring their only child, a daughter, into the church anymore."At this point, he doesn't want her in that type of environment." That is what she said to me! I was too stunned to react but if I could go back would say,"what do you mean? a Christian environment? Is your husband anti-Christ?" What the???? Just another brick in the wall.
I have spent the majority of birthday money given to me on clothing from Target and now I think I will buy the ESV Study Bible from the Church Bookstore. I thought I would save money and buy a softcover woman's devotional bible for the new year and overall I don't like to use it. Certainly not for study, devotionally it is okay. I guess that is what it was for!!!
Right now I am passionate about stepping up and onto a more studious route of Bible reading. I think that I am like this for His Purpose and I am accepting that. Yayayayayyyyyyyy!
Well, now I get to go and hold some babies for an hour while their parents hear the message. Lord, love them through me and thank you for letting me be there. Loveyou

what i would like to say...again

I just got halfway down the page and did one of those magic finger moves where I erase in a flash all my passionate ranting. Great. SO here I go some more again...
I have been living here for 5 years and have led a small group for about 4. The group that I am currently leading consists of 3 core members. 1 wants a divorce, 1 is getting a divorce and 1 is married with 2 children. Then there is me. 3 of us attend the same church though only I am the regular attendee. I want to do a Bible Study. I have had several girls tell me that they would like to join our group but I am not sure why. We said we would go over the church message and outline and we did once. We are supposed to meet every other week but due to the predictably unpredictable actions of the one whose home it is supposed to be at, we are unable to meet there as said.
It is nice to get together and to visit. I enjoy that but as I stand by and watch my friends suffering from lack of Jesus and Biblical understanding and there lives falling apart and their blindness. Well, I just don't see how this is doing any good.
I talked to my mentor and she said that I am allowing them to say they are in a small group as if to imply spiritual accountability and pursuit, while nothing is further from the truth.
I also must add that I did belong to a group of women who homeschool who are closer to my age who bored me to tears and seemed paranoid and intolerant not to mention a hint of dishonesty and judgy gossip. I was glad to leave that group.
Lord, what now? I am sad. I am frustrated and I am wondering what is up. I miss the old days when I could participate in a Bible Study and everyone tried to do their homework and show up for the video. When we knew the focus and pursued Christ together. I miss that.
My husband doesn't want to read the same books or participate in a group study either. He has been reading Proverbs for 10 years. I just get frustrated with his inability to speed read and lack of interest in Doctrine. I sense the danger of false teaching, and am nervous about some of the reading selections out there. I don't want to be deceived or led astray nor do I want to lead others away from the truth.
What next Lord? What about these girls? Why? What do you want me to do? What should my intention be?
How can I communicate the importance of You and of knowing Your Son?
Why am I here? And why does it seem like everytime I get into this place then someone comes along and basically says that i need to lighten up and just fellowship and understand that is what most young moms need and want. That is not true for me. Surely I am not alone!
Lord, please lead me to the next thing. Teach me how to know You and Your Word, the Truth from the lies. Help me to see and to hear and to walk in Your ways. Lead me to You. Use my mind and unite my heart-my body and soul to serve you alone. Let my light so shine that others would be drawn or repulsed, I'll take anything but being lukewarm. Show me where I am not on fire for you and do whatever it takes to get me there. I love you and I know that I can trust you. You are amazing God. I need you more.

Saturday, June 19, 2010


I finished reading the book the Naked Gospel by Andrew Farley this morning and just as I have wanted all along, I want someone else to read it and chew on it with me.
It has some really great points about Jesus plus nothing and Grace, all Grace and nothing but Grace. I couldn't agree more with some of what was said. Yet I still love Marc Driscoll and Francis Chan who challenge us to examine our "works" and to pray to God for behavior modification as needed. I guess that doesn't really disagree with what the book was saying.
My mind is a little cloudy at this moment.

And now I confess that there is only one thing that is needed. Lord, I cannot and will not live without you. I love you. I need you. Your Spirit is sweet, wine to my soul and peace to my mind. I pray to be full of you today. Help me to remain in You. You are in me. I pray to follow you. Thank you that you have given me everything I need to live the life you have called me to live. Thank you that you continually provide for us out of your abundant wealth. Thank you for such a time as this. That you are always working and that your work in us is never done. That all suffering is temporary for those whom who have chosen. I love you