I just got halfway down the page and did one of those magic finger moves where I erase in a flash all my passionate ranting. Great. SO here I go some more again...
I have been living here for 5 years and have led a small group for about 4. The group that I am currently leading consists of 3 core members. 1 wants a divorce, 1 is getting a divorce and 1 is married with 2 children. Then there is me. 3 of us attend the same church though only I am the regular attendee. I want to do a Bible Study. I have had several girls tell me that they would like to join our group but I am not sure why. We said we would go over the church message and outline and we did once. We are supposed to meet every other week but due to the predictably unpredictable actions of the one whose home it is supposed to be at, we are unable to meet there as said.
It is nice to get together and to visit. I enjoy that but as I stand by and watch my friends suffering from lack of Jesus and Biblical understanding and there lives falling apart and their blindness. Well, I just don't see how this is doing any good.
I talked to my mentor and she said that I am allowing them to say they are in a small group as if to imply spiritual accountability and pursuit, while nothing is further from the truth.
I also must add that I did belong to a group of women who homeschool who are closer to my age who bored me to tears and seemed paranoid and intolerant not to mention a hint of dishonesty and judgy gossip. I was glad to leave that group.
Lord, what now? I am sad. I am frustrated and I am wondering what is up. I miss the old days when I could participate in a Bible Study and everyone tried to do their homework and show up for the video. When we knew the focus and pursued Christ together. I miss that.
My husband doesn't want to read the same books or participate in a group study either. He has been reading Proverbs for 10 years. I just get frustrated with his inability to speed read and lack of interest in Doctrine. I sense the danger of false teaching, and am nervous about some of the reading selections out there. I don't want to be deceived or led astray nor do I want to lead others away from the truth.
What next Lord? What about these girls? Why? What do you want me to do? What should my intention be?
How can I communicate the importance of You and of knowing Your Son?
Why am I here? And why does it seem like everytime I get into this place then someone comes along and basically says that i need to lighten up and just fellowship and understand that is what most young moms need and want. That is not true for me. Surely I am not alone!
Lord, please lead me to the next thing. Teach me how to know You and Your Word, the Truth from the lies. Help me to see and to hear and to walk in Your ways. Lead me to You. Use my mind and unite my heart-my body and soul to serve you alone. Let my light so shine that others would be drawn or repulsed, I'll take anything but being lukewarm. Show me where I am not on fire for you and do whatever it takes to get me there. I love you and I know that I can trust you. You are amazing God. I need you more.