Saturday, October 29, 2011

October 2011

It has been a while to say it shortly.
We moved into the country, into a house I love with scenery surrounding us and we are doing much better. I gave birth to my 6th child and 2nd girl on the 24th of September at home in 2 hours and 10 minutes.
I have decided that women are amazing and I am glad to be one.
The drawbacks of our new home are few, and inconvenient; we have to drive 30 minutes to run most errands, we cannot get internet service, not even dial up, we have terrible phone reception and must stand on our front porch to talk. All these things are worth the pleasures of a big house in the country.
This weekend I am on the internet because I came to the mountains with my friend and 2 of her children and 3 of mine. A little getaway.
Just like our home, the price of retreat means more miles to town, little phone reception and lots and lots of natural beauty. I look out the window and it is postcard pretty on every side, I am confronted with majesty, like it or not.
The clouds are puffy and white and the sky is dotting the clouds with blue. Sun shines fiercly yet the air is crispy chilly. Today we will eat, drive, wander and meander, return and eat, talk and rest, plan for tomorrow. God, I love a holiday! thank you

Saturday, May 28, 2011

how hard!

"If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are always above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on the earth." Colossians 3:1-2

the pile of dirty dishes that never stops
Mt. Clothsmore and its many peaks ranging from room to room and out to the clothsline and back again.
Bills, bills and bills
the way I often get avoided and rejected by the ones I love the most
resistance that meets every ounce of instruction and frustration that seeks root all day long
the unkind words and thoughtless judgements of those who mean well but know little
aching feet and cramping legs and a record of sleepless nights
the lack of cool air
the abundance of ridiculously diligent ants that won't quit,no matter what
a rude person or two serving in the public eye
news that seems to be bad
my mind
what I see and feel

It's so hard! The big tragedies, the huge tests and trials-those have been easier somehow, the stuff that others can see without you having to explain. When it's nobodies business and they tread carefully around what is said(to your face anyways)
It's these daily trials of repetitive failures and "Murphy's Law" the long haul and the stuff that you wrestle with day in and out over and over. It's the same old, same old.
and again I fall, I fail and flail and again I remember why...I am driven to my knees and don't even know what to ask for except help.
It isn't always pretty, the stuff above-often I can't even make it out, I can barely tell it's there. But if I go low enough, if I fall on my face and cry out-confess my little faith and doubts and fears, if I can go that low again.As often as it takes. Then I find a way to let go, even if there is nothing big to see, when I am crushed and squeezed and the breath of the enemy heavy and hot on my heels seeks to snag and consume me. I resist, but I can't fight- so I surrender again.
My way for His way
My lowness for His Highness
My wrong for His Right
It's hard to find the above from here below...

Thursday, May 26, 2011


Looking and finding and searching and seeking-This is the call of Christ.
Matthew 6:33
"But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you."

Matthew 7:7
"Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you."

Luke 12:29-31
"And do not seek what you are to eat and what you are to drink, nor be worried.For all the nations of the world seek after these things, and your Father knows that you need them.Instead, seek his kingdom, and these things will be added to you."
Seeking Him, His ways and His will- that means not seeking Me, My ways or My will.
It is a death to self. I gladly relinquish control. After many years of blaming others for being in the way of "MY" dreams and "MY" great ideas, plans and schemes I can truly say that I don't know what to do with ME. I also don't know what to do with YOU.
Now that I have given up control and the right to believe that I am right does this excuse my responsibility(ies) Am I no longer called to do well or to even try?
Do I just lazily sit back and let the world(His world)fall apart and just hope that Christ's forgiveness is enough. Or am I still to "seek" and if I am seeking what am I seeking for? Why can't it just be plain? or is it?
I am on a quest-
to find Blessing and gifts in the most unlikely places. No time for slothful living here on this search. To the judgemental bystander I appear a fool, with my hands up and open, my eyes looking past the mess to see the glory, the fingerprints of a loving God who has tried so tenderly to explain over and over and over again that this world is not all there is, that what happens here is about Him, not me and that His plans for me are great and wise. To look at how He came, His only Son not spared rejection, torture or misunderstanding, yet the fullness of all the Deity within Him. He did more for us than any ever will- He gave us a great example of how to live, serve, speak, not speak, submit to the Father, Trust and yes, die.
Look for the treasure, it is all around. Now that I have started to look-I admit I realize how badly wired and lazy I am-I resist praise! It is so simple, to seek- it is what we are created to do. Oh, how distorted pride makes our vision. We seek to escape the reality that God gives us that will refine and transform us like we know we need to be. His Word tells us that His mercies are new every morning-Seek for them!
Am I carrying a miracle of life in my old used womb again? PRAISE HIM- it is a mercy and a gift!
Am I inconvenienced by people, little and big who need help and I am here to give it?
Am I tired, worn out, spent and waiting on others to come through?
Am I totally dependent on God the Father because I have no idea how to do all I have been given to do?
Did I just forget to look for the Blessing and then He sent a messenger to remind me, like a clue in National Treasure? Did I see the clue?
Is my air conditioner out and we are having a heat wave and now I find myself wondering how missionaries give up their creature comforts for Christ, so I pray for them and the ones who live day in and day out without standard american comfort all over the world- and I wonder if they have found joy, if they are thankful and I pray that they are-and I am now wondering over the mystery of Christ and the Cross and how I need not question God's goodness, His intentions for me- How when years ago He answered my prayers to make me "new" with a baptism of fire that hasn't stopped-how hungry and thirsty I am for Him and Heaven and how I know that no matter how hot and uncomfortable I may be here, now- it is as close to hell as I will ever get.
and my day will continue now, and I will be searching-high and low- for treasures amid the shipwreck, you should too-

Monday, May 23, 2011

why so serious?

I am currently reading another book about gratitude and it has revealed much fear in me. I don't know if it is because I am pregnant and it's a girl or if this would feel so, well, "feely" for me any other time. I had the realization before I read the current book, early on in my pregnancy that I had a hard time relating to a certain type of woman. Just look for Yoga pregnancy workout videos on You Tube and you may find what I did and see what I mean. There is so much femininity, so much "connecting" with the new life within you, so much acknowledgment of this miracle within your womb-that honestly I felt like running and lifting weights would be a better option for me. (As if I will be able to do anything of the sort regularly!) I mentioned to a friend who was exploring becoming a birth educator and had really fallen in like with a class/curriculum/philosophy called "Spiritual Birthing" or something like that, that I didn't like to focus on my unborn baby because I was afraid to love something so uncertain, so unseen, so small-. I left it at that. I have not pursued anything"Spiritual" and have even quit doing my Yoga because I didn't want to become "that kind of woman" I have instead pursued the firm foundation of reading my Bible and obeying God's Law or at least wanting to and praying to. I just can't seem to blend the two types together. The woman that Loves the Law and the Spirit, that is soft and feminine but not helpless, vulnerable but able to bear a burden or ten, wild and free, loyal and devoted...
I haven't liked her very much, the "spiritually soft one" I left her alone and I expected her to do the same to me.
Now I'm reading this book on being thankful as a doorway to communion with the Lord, the key to living in Grace and the fullness of life that He died for us to live. And she is back, I am afraid of her. She is syrupy and teary eyed and sentimental(focus on the mental)She dances in the moonlight and takes pictures of flowers and I stare at my sleeping toddler who looks absolutely like the closest thing to god that I can imagine-and I hate time and the "what if's" that wake me up at night and the fact that there is so much pain in childbirth and that part of me wishes that I could just drink and drug my way through it all and drown all these tender emotions. I hate that I could be totally in love with my sleeping toddler and completely mean to my walking, wakeful teenager and wicked to the stranger who doesn't serve me well. How forgetful I am of wearing my shoes of the gospel of peace because I am busy shining my breastplate of righteousness. How little I trust God. I am afraid to love. Because I am afraid to lose.
yeah, I know-"Perfect love casts out fear"
What does that even mean? To the one who loves much and loses everything-Who knows what it means to be saved and then no longer wishes to dance on the edge of the boat rail. Who would rather wait in the boat these days and forget about walking on the water.
I am no longer interested in being a spiritual super hero. I just want relief.

Monday, May 16, 2011

It's a GIRL!

Had an ultrasound today, the only one I plan to have-and yes, it is true...she's a girl! I brought Maddie and Ramone with me to see the process and Ramone mostly crawled around on the floor while Maddy tried to keep him from trouble and waited patiently for it to end. It seems like they take such a long time, counting every bone, every organ, taking way more views than I feel necessary. The midwife will receive the report tomorrow or within 3 days or so, hope there is nothing abnormal. My main concern being that it was not twins and that the due date that we estimated was accurate. I have been thinking that I am 21 weeks and even though most people think that I am near the end I am only just half way there. The size of the baby and the development would indicate that she is exactly 21 weeks and 2 days. I am still huge! No real reason for that and I am surrendered to this- it is just what I do. I get big, get over it people!!!
At first Maddy seemed quite excited and I was sure to brag to the nurses about how glad I was to have another girl and that I how I hoped that she would be as good, smart, creative and hard-working as my first girl. After we came home, Maddy began to melt down and by the time her Dad came home from work I had sent her to her room for being so disruptive. Ramone broke the news to Daddy about the baby girl and right away he comforted Maddy as she just cried and cried. He understood her much better than I did. I tend to be more like Grandma Walton who said," It's about time she learned that she's not the only pebble on the beach!"
But that's why I need my man, he is so smart-so kind and so sensitive. He babied her and assured her of her firm place in his heart. He told the boys of her sadness and called them to care.(even if they don't quite get it)
Now, after crying and eating dinner she is back to her playful self, running around the back yard with blankets around her and little brother's neck like capes, playing in the fort she built. The ONLY fort that has ever been successfully built by any children in this family so far. (not counting couch cushion forts and blanket tents)
She is a fabulous girl and is going to make a wonderful big sister and a great mama one day. She is irreplaceable.
Thanks God for my girls.

Friday, May 13, 2011


I am. We are moving. We found a house, a house found us. It is more lovely than I could have ever imagined. Though I know it is ours, we move in 3 or 4 weeks, I am still having a hard time believing it is going to happen. We have been in the foreclosure process for about a year. Until 2 weeks ago, my husband went from being unemployed and doing whatever he could for meager income to fully, gainfully, steadily employed at a great company doing something interesting with interesting people. It is in a quaint, little town about 30 miles from here. It took a few monthes for him to get this job and within the first week of working we were notified by the attorney that our hearing had been moved to this week(yesterday) we decided to take action and put the house on the market for a short sale and I also went online to notify our friends of our situation. Within 3 days we were also told of an available house and when to check it out last Friday. As I said, it is amazing. 2 story, built in 1917 on about 3 acres with 6 Pecan trees, at least 2 magnolias and 3 oaks, Mimosa tree, Cedar tree-huge screened in front porch. 9 foot ceilings, long leaf pine floors throughout, 4 bedrooms and 3 full bathrooms, 3 out buildings, a well... big kitchen, what else? it is in between 2 cornfields with a lot of grass to cut and a small patch of woods behind it. Across the highway there is land that is used for hunting(in season) so it is all woods as well. I am in love with this house. Oh yeah, did I mention that it is only 3 miles from my hubbies new job? and yes, this is a historic house-it has a name! We have had so much rough stuff to go through in the past 3-5 years that I am having a hard time believing that this is actually going to all work out. I go between sighes of relief and songs of Praise to doubts and fears and the what if's? It doesn't help that right now I am struggling with the worst cold that I can remember ever having in years. I feel physically like ________(you fill it in) My nose is on drip cycle and my head is on spin, my throat is itchy only when I want to sleep-I have eaten so much garlic today that I probably smell like an Italian Sub. Nevertheless, I let the realtor come and take some pics for the listing and after picking up more boxes from the store have continued to pack. According to the realtors secretary and current tenant, we are good to go and can bring the kids by to see the place tomorrow or Sunday. We are also allowed to bring boxes and put them into the bedrooms if we like, she hardly has anything in the house and says it will all be fine.
This is an unusually sweet situation. Thanks God, I am sorry that I am having a hard time accepting that I am being Blessed in such a real way. Forgive me for my unbelief.
I love you.

Friday, April 22, 2011

18 weeks

and counting- though sometimes forgetting but that is getting more difficult since the simple pleasures like facing the kitchen sink head on and not having stains from my breasts down to my thighes from bumping into things and being able to hold my 3 yr old and have his arms and legs wrap all the way around me like a monkey are becoming faint memories as I adapt to my new "robust" figure. I am feeling lots of movement and sometimes realize it may be gas or a muscle spasm(esp when it is in my legs) and not always another human thrashing about in my belly. The movement is cool to behold, but I swear that this one feels like it is jumping and every time it happens I think of the story in the Bible when pregnant with Jesus Mary sees pregnant with John Aunt Elizabeth and he(John) leaps in her womb, she gets filled with the Holy Ghost and they both have a Praise session right then and there!

Luke 1:39-56 (King James Version)

"39And Mary arose in those days, and went into the hill country with haste, into a city of Juda;

40And entered into the house of Zacharias, and saluted Elisabeth.

41And it came to pass, that, when Elisabeth heard the salutation of Mary, the babe leaped in her womb; and Elisabeth was filled with the Holy Ghost:

42And she spake out with a loud voice, and said, Blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb.

43And whence is this to me, that the mother of my Lord should come to me?

44For, lo, as soon as the voice of thy salutation sounded in mine ears, the babe leaped in my womb for joy.

45And blessed is she that believed: for there shall be a performance of those things which were told her from the Lord.

46And Mary said, My soul doth magnify the Lord,

47And my spirit hath rejoiced in God my Saviour.

48For he hath regarded the low estate of his handmaiden: for, behold, from henceforth all generations shall call me blessed.

49For he that is mighty hath done to me great things; and holy is his name.

50And his mercy is on them that fear him from generation to generation.

51He hath shewed strength with his arm; he hath scattered the proud in the imagination of their hearts.

52He hath put down the mighty from their seats, and exalted them of low degree.

53He hath filled the hungry with good things; and the rich he hath sent empty away.

54He hath helped his servant Israel, in remembrance of his mercy;

55As he spake to our fathers, to Abraham, and to his seed for ever.

56And Mary abode with her about three months, and returned to her own house."

That is not to say that I am carrying John the Baptist in my womb or anything, it is really just funny to me how God uses an everyday happening which one may take for granted to draw you to His Word and remind you of His Magnificence. I too rejoice when I feel what I know is big movement, an indicator of life within that there is no mistaking for. A miracle in the simplest way.

Monday, April 11, 2011


We are broke, more broke than i can remember being.We have run out of milk, which is okay since I think that we depend on it more than water sometimes. Now the kids are forced to drink water which is filtered but our filter is in need of replacing so it is trickling out very slowly. There is a 25 lb bag of rice on the counter that we have been dipping into daily and I think it will last a while longer. There is a little butter, a bit of oatmeal, 1 and 1/2 dozen eggs, frozen veges and a bit of frozen meat that I am not sure what it is, lurking in our kitchen. I have $6 and about 1/8 tank of gas. The children all have medicaid now til next year and my husband and I will have it for the next 6 monthes, so our medicine is plentiful and paid for. My pay as you go phone is out of order and I don't know when it will be on again. Car insurance is past due, Cable internet connection is down and modem gone. Trash pick up is due for payment to continue service, and I am sure that water and electric bills will be here this week. We have 2 birthdays and Easter to celebrate within the next 2 weeks. Maury had his final interview for the job that seems like it would be a good and much needed change for us. They called him back on Friday and said it "looks promising" and to expect to hear from them on Monday or Tuesday. In the meantime, he is finishing up one job and has a little bit of stuff lined up here and there. Our house is still in foreclosure and we expect we'll have to move due to the cost of living as is in the City Limits.
These past 3 years have S-T-R-E-T-C-H-E-D me in ways I never knew needed stretching. I know now how much I can live without and have been awakened to abundance in ways I previously had missed. I do have peace and joy and have learned to be grateful for the simplest of pleasures and the feast that nature provides for the eyes everyday. My desire is to reap from that abundance and to do as much for ourselves as we can. To grow our own food and raise some meat, even dairy or goat. My eyes have been opened to the beauty of living in a way more closely related to our ancestors and less like the madness I see in our current situation.
I have come more to realize the desires of my heart from this poverty. Now I now what I want and what distracts me every time. My weakness revealed, my hope enlarged.
Today I can put no confidence in myself or my husband or in anyone elses flesh to deliver us from this need. I eagerly work, I do my part and I encourage us all to do more than we think we can, yet to trust the One who controls the winds and the rain to bring the harvest in due time.
"For we are the circumcision, who worship God in the Spirit, rejoice in Christ Jesus, and have no confidence in the flesh." Philippians 3:3

Saturday, March 26, 2011


so many things that I would like to write about and everytime my keyboard beckons I am somehow unable to come to this place. Now, I am procrastinating and running late and I just have to write something before I go out into the world and get whatever it offers today.
Yesterday I vented to a dear friend of mine who understood my frustrations and confirmed my suspicions-there are some mean girls out there who just can't help but get under my skin by saying ugly things to me and about me or by refusing to talk to me at all, they look right through me and that really drives me crazy when I am trying to be nice to someone. The problem I am having is that these situations keep repeating themselves and I am the only common denominator, the faces and places change. It is like being reincarnated or more like Ground Hog Day but again with different faces and places. I will go into these specific characters and actions later on when I return in my next post before my head explodes.
Until then, I pray that today will be a different kind of day and that my response to the same old stuff will be fresh and new, motivated by the Holy Spirit. Thank you God that I have been set free and do not have to repeat my mistakes, help me to pass the tests before me today, grant me wisdom to respond with salt and light and love-
I love you

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Tempted by the fruit of another

The skinny B on the sidebar of my email server threatens to steal my peace and derail my joy. It is not her fault that I hate her and love her all the same. Her stick straight figure and muscle-less arms lull me like a siren to a sailor out to sea. Wait, I am not a sailor, I shouldn't be lured away by a beautiful woman, I am a happily married heterosexual mom approaching 40 and expecting my 6th child. How is this possible, that I would be wooed by beauty? The beauty of a woman.
Of course, my lust is not one that leads me to want to treat her like a man may want to. No, I want to be inside her, but not in the sexual way. I want to wear her skin, but not in the Silence of the Lambs way! I just want to look as good as she does, no- I want to believe that I can look better than she does. To stop traffic with my figure because it is so awesome and not be the one who is jealous and envious for a change, I want to invoke hatred for my beauty, while I just smile and laugh and accept all the gifts that are thrown at my feet. I don't want to be caught off guard by a wayward comment on how "huge my stomach is already, asked if I am sure it is not twins or coming much sooner" I want only good angles on my face and no deep wrinkles in my forehead. No marionette lines from laughter(such a terrible punishment for smiling) I want to struggle to gain weight and when everyone asks what I eat to stay in such slender shape I want to say," Whatever I want, whenever I want" The truth is, I will never be her.
If I click on her I will be carried away momentarily to drool over dresses I can not afford and beauty that I would never attain. I will never look like her. But this reality is hard to sink in. I would rather be deceived. Is that why I fall for it every time? How many of us can admit that we care about being more beautiful than everyone else? On the outside, for the whole world to see? I guess it is just another one of my weaknesses. This whole temptation and trial wilderness journey that I am on right now is bringing up some stuff that I thought was dead and buried.
I feel sensuality sticking to me like a wet coat. I keep it on because I am afraid I'll grow cold without it, I will be exposed and lightly dressed. I am afraid of being the opposite of a Victoria's Secret Model. I mean, I like Mrs. Doubtfire and greatly respect Jane Eyre, but I don't want to look like them.
Is is possible to be an ideal picture of what is considered beautiful on the outside and have a strong moral code and the rule of Christ on the inside? Can we have it all? Or does my desire for breast implants make me a harlot at heart? Even though I have been and will continue to be a faithful wife and mono-man lover forever.
Why am I still tempted by the flesh that I so long to be free of, my head knows better and I just know that there are you skinny B's out there who probably struggle to gain weight, and can't relate to any struggles with monogamy.
Here are some worldly quotes on temptation;
"I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it."- Mae West (1892 - 1980)

"The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it."-Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)

"Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch."-Robert Orben

This is the general attitude and take on temptation I gather that is the norm from our culture. To resist is to be a prude and to reveal it or confess it makes you a leper. What I see is that we accept the sensual lures that are laid out all around us as okay and invite them into our lives without thought of where they will lead us. We like the sweet siren song, we long to sleep rather then deal with the pain, the sickness and the death that come so early as a result of our promiscuity. We would rather die than say no.
I reveal these things about me to expose the plans of the enemy who knows me and my weaknesses. To bring into the light my shameful desires and seek to encourage you, if you are like me in any way. If you too struggle with jealousy, envy, lust and sensuality. It is not random, it is part of your downfall if you don't let it be revealed, confessed for what it is and inviting God's Strength into our weaknesses. I know it is not right for me to look at the women and men that God created in His image as my own personal meat market but I can't stop doing it on my own! It could be the end of me, if I try to do it alone.
The definition of Temptation as found on Blue Letter Bible(#3 stands out to me esp)

) an experiment, attempt, trial, proving

a) trial, proving: the trial made of you by my bodily condition, since condition served as to test the love of the Galatians toward Paul (Gal. 4:14)

b) the trial of man's fidelity, integrity, virtue, constancy

1) an enticement to sin, temptation, whether arising from the desires or from the outward circumstances

2) an internal temptation to sin

a) of the temptation by which the devil sought to divert Jesus the Messiah from his divine errand

3) of the condition of things, or a mental state, by which we are enticed to sin, or to a lapse from the faith and holiness

4) adversity, affliction, trouble: sent by God and serving to test or prove one's character, faith, holiness

c) temptation (i.e. trial) of God by men

1) rebellion against God, by which his power and justice are, as it were, put to the proof and challenged to show themselves

Lord, I see that there are many reasons for the allotment of temptation in my life. It proves to me who I am and reveals my need for a savior, a helper and fellowship with one or many who have suffered in the same way. I am sick. I need healing and wholeness in order not to be diverted from a life of faith and holiness, to not have a lapse into sin. Forgive me for my worry and self protection because I feel so hopeless a case. Keep me from the enemy, Keep the enemy away from me. Continue to reveal my habitual participation in the wrong stuff that leads to no good and help me to stay on the rails! A train with no track is a dangerous thing indeed.
I love you

Mat 6:13 "And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one.'
Mat 26:41 "Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the body is weak."
Luk 11:4 "Forgive us our sins, for we also forgive everyone who sins against us. And lead us not into temptation.' "
1Cr 10:13 "No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it."

Jam 1:13-16 "When tempted, no one should say, "God is tempting me." For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full‑grown, gives birth to death.Don't be deceived, my dear brothers."

Friday, March 18, 2011

My weaknesses

This week on one of my favorite teaching Pastor's T.V. broadcast, Joyce Meyer has been talking about temptation and how to resist it. I have relished every word and it has made me to pray and think more clearly about "knowing my self" I am very good at picking out the faults and weaknesses of others and then exploiting them to keep my self exalted. (a weakness? Indeed!)
So, let me pick on my self for now. As I began to pray about discovering, uncovering-I should say- my incidences of temptations that lead to sin. Sin being the end result of all behavior that leads ultimately to premature death. No, I don't struggle anymore with the oh so obvious stuff that ruled over my rebellious youth; drunkeness, carousing, debauchery, witchcraft, drug induced stupors, stealing merchandise, foul mouthed cursing and less than modest attire meant to draw attention to what I considered my greatest "assets" As a matter of fact, these days don't even seem like rebelliousness because I don't remember ever knowing that these things were not okay, not to the people I wanted to impress anyway. I knew that I was going against the grain of what is considered normal and average, I still do that. A non conforming attitude I guess.
Well, now that I have given up drugs, alcohol, stealing and sex outside of marriage, I suppose that all is well on my moral front. But wait! What is inside these walls proves to be more disturbing than the enemies that roam about the outside. My inward desires left unchecked remain the same; to escape from reality, be irresponsible, draw attention to myself, conform the world to me and my way of thinking, exalt my opinions above yours, demand service with a smile, be left alone when I want to be and have close friends who love me and want to be with me more than anyone else, to be approved of by everyone while not myself giving approval at all, I may not steal merchandise but I am tempted to steal the show. Laziness, procrastination, anger, jealousy, gossip, slander and good intentions that never amount to anything good.
It has been an interesting week as I have been called to attention in these moments of temptation, these pre-fall moments. Seriously, it is like I hear this little voice saying"Here it is! You are about to go in the wrong direction, are you sure this is the right way to go?"
Here is a sample of a situation I was drawn into with more speculation than usual this week... As the woman at the Deli used her gloved hands to grab my meat, slap it on the scale, after sighing loudly about my order and complaining to her co workers about her readiness to leave, as she used her gloved hand to rub her face(ewww!) and then when she went to hand me my order while trying to avoid my smile, she threw the meat onto the counter and missed, thus throwing it onto the floor. As she apologized lamely and said how tired she was while still avoiding my gaze and thrusting the package over the top more gently and as I considered every wrong, mean thing I thought of her that I wanted to say and wondered if I could disguise my anger with a "concern" while letting the manager know of her disgusting and inconsiderate behavior, while I considered her delicate fate and the power of life and death that lay in my hands at that moment...Oh, how hard it was to listen to that still small voice that cries"Grace and Mercy and Forgiveness" but I did! And I haven't even told a soul about that event until now-I can be such an elephant, refusing to forget even the smallest injustice and the enemy outside the gate need never to come in as long as I am in here with my selfish desires and self righteousness to keep me company. I just walked on, I finished my shopping and went about my day. I did not cry out or tattle on her. If you only could understand how hard it is for me to be quiet about things that bother me! If you only knew how easily I am bothered by everyone and everything! How I can ignore the big stuff and trip all over the small stuff all day long. Lord help me for I am weak!
Now that I know what tempts me I am called to pray-to avoid it at all costs and to pray to God to strengthen me, by no means is this something that I can fix on my own. My eyes have been opened, I am a bit less deceived about my own righteousness and ever so grateful for God who loves me just as I am.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011


Today I have felt so much worse than I can ever remember being during any other previous pregnancy, while eating I feel better and when I am asleep it is divine. It is only when I am upright that I struggle. Maybe I did feel this way before but I have blocked it out or completely forgotten it. I was thinking today how funny it is that I don't remember much of my pregnancies but about every detail of the delivery is etched onto my mind, in color. I can't believe how low I have been today. I thought I was beyond this. My hormones must be raging because it is like PMS on Steroids with a side of nausea and vomiting. I can't look into the mirror, I hate my new haircut and I can already see that this is going to be a butt pregnancy, my face seems giant and masculine, the lines from my nose to my chin look deeper and my mustache is thickening, I look around the house and all I want to do is declutter and clean. In other words, everything outside of me is a mess. I am worrying about my fear, afraid still to tell my Dad that I am expecting, trying to resist writing the drama in my mind about what he really thinks and what he will say. I am in the middle of training to be a Yogi and the last thing I feel like doing is Yoga. It is like I have perfectionism goggles on and am looking at everything through a fine tooth microscope. Therefore, nothing is good enough or okay.
So, after I took a snooze on the couch today I felt the incredible urge to go sit with my Father in my new prayer closet space. I grabbed my pen and poured out my heart, dumped it out, all my mess-because in these moments I am even offended by own lack of godly truth being said, so I have to dump quickly or else I will try to deny my own feelings and cover my hide. A cool thing happened in this process, I found out that I was missing the point again. God reminded me (again)that He is in control, my job is to do the work He gives me to do with gladness and gratitude and excellence but not to push beyond that.That what I like to do, "push!" Push me, push you, push it all. And what does God say? Rest. Receive. Rest. Receive, Do only what I lead you to.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

nice and queasy

So how am I doing? Am I;
eating only whole healthy food, sugar and wheat free, organic, fresh and oh so good for me?
I have started dealing with the inevitable waves of all day long morning sickness, the only time I feel good is when I am sleeping or when I am eating. I mean at the precise moment of consumption. Before and after I feel like I am on a boat, clinging to the rail in the middle of a storm.
Yesterday in the grocery store I was overwhelmed with the need and desire for something sweet, carbonated and deliciously cold. I opted for the Sierra Mist all natural with real cane sugar and no syrup or aspartame. I only drank 1/2 and gave the rest to my 3 yr old. It was so good.
I then had a small bowl of high protein pasta with meat sauce before heading to the mall for a girls night out. 5 little girls and me and another mom/friend. We window shopped for a while and eventually made our way to the food court. My intention all day had been to have a Blizzard, which i did. A Medium Georgia Pecan Fudge blizzard and I ate every bite. Yum. After we were done with our sweets, everyone wanted chicken nuggets and we also got Hummus with Pita. We feasted on Food Court food. I felt good until the end. I couldn't believe it when I came home last night and went to bed and actually felt hungry, I didn't think that was possible. I ignored it and slept very well.
So far today, I have only had a bowl of Ezekial Crunch with sliced banana, honey, cinnamon and whole organic milk. Coffee with stevia and cream too of course. My man is going out for a bit with a couple of the kids and I have already instructed him on bringing me back my favorite cookie in the whole world. Reese's Peanut butter cup cookie, mmm mmm good.
I only did Yoga once last week.
I plan to do it today, soon-
Lord knows that I am trying but I just don't know why it is so hard to eat healthy when I am pregnant.
I want this to be a maximized pregnancy and delivery. Today I need to write down my limiting beliefs about this and replace them with God beliefs.
That will make the difference, I know it.


This morning is foggy, wet and gray outside. Inside I am not these things. I am radiant, warm and thankful. Though I don't always see clearly, I see much more clearly what matters. The rest can be covered in fog and stay in the misty edges, I will not go after it.
It is only by the sheer movement of God in my life that I can be so grateful, full of peace and joy and love at a time in my life when others may think I should be miserable.
Our house is still swaying in a limbo between foreclosure and short sale. We may get to stay until August. My Husband is totally self employed, he has no choice,and is staying steadily occupied. His truck was repossessed in November, friends of ours stepped up very quickly to let him use their work truck(they won't need it until march)I was laid off from receiving what has been a generous addition of income from my dad for doing nothing except being his daughter, our federal assistance for food(food stamps)was reduced to 1/10 of what it has been, and I am pregnant with our 6th child due in September;-)
Yet, I rejoice.
We get to move, my husband gets to work for himself, thanks to the income tax return, he gets another truck soon, I still receive help from my Dad for health insurance, but way less help than before, we always have enough to eat, this pregnancy was completely unplanned and a total surprise but we are so Blessed to get to have yet another baby to raise.
I choose to believe that God is good, He is faithful and He uses the simple to confound the wise. Having the "perfect" life would be such a bore to me, I would probably sabotage anything that seemed right if He wasn't working so diligently on making me into someone different than I was. I don't want my success to run ahead of my character. These are hard times, but they are good times. Times of clarity. What really matters?
Hosea 6:3
"Let us acknowledge the LORD; let us press on to acknowledge him. As surely as the sun rises, he will appear; he will come to us like the winter rains, like the spring rains that water the earth."