Wednesday, November 17, 2010

still sleeping

Imagining my children full of life, touched by the healing of the Lord, happy and healthy and wanting to learn. Imagining them fully immersed in their gifting and talent doing what they love to make a sustain a living. Imagining them being who God made them to be and loving it.
That is why we home school.
12-13 years of home school and my in laws are still trying to talk us into quitting. We must hand them over to public school teachers who can do what is best, they say. Then the wife can work full time and we won't have the financial trouble we have.
Yes, right, Public School is the answer to every problem we face now.
This advice comes from people whose marriages have been many.This advice comes from people who have never had 5 kids. Who never experimented with the drugs, sex and rock n roll side of life nor admitted the wrongs they have done to their own children nor admitted weakness. Who openly denounce that their is someone above us who loves us and created us. This advice comes from small town hopes and dreams and people who have never told us that we did anything right. People who keep a safe distance and only come when there is tragedy to give "sage" advice. People who wouldn't recognize raw talent if it smacked them in the face. Who like what they are told to like and believe in themselves just enough to get by.
Can you tell that I am over it?
I have never tried to convince anyone of the benefits of home school, because I don't feel that I have to.
Whether it is choosing to not vaccinate, teach at home or raise chickens(someday maybe) we have not come to these decisions lightly, we have done the research, we have prayed to the one above us, we have sweated and struggled and we continue to learn as we grow. Why then, the disrespect and insinuation that we have done what was natural and easy, without thought or statistics or education?
LOVE IS...patient, kind, long suffering, not rude, not proud, hopes all things, believes all things, endures all things, Love never fails.
Lord help me to love those who may never understand.

Sunday, November 14, 2010


It seems selfish and I have never done it quite this openly before. Today I have written down my ideas, my hearts desires for the kind of Thanksgiving and Christmas that I imagine. In my heart these desires abide.
I have been carrying them around,these wishes and wants for a long time and as the days near I find that I am heaping on additional values/standards and today after I read my devotionals,Bible etc.I decided that I needed to unload.
To some this may not seem like any big deal because you may be used to sticking to your desires and think nothing of following through. You may even do it without a moments hesitation, make it happen without a breakdown and enjoy the process. For me to articulate my dreams is a big deal. To capture and release is unheard of me, til now.
Probably what sparked the idea to even approach this was my devotional that told me to read about Abraham when he took his only son that was a result of a long awaited God promise to the altar of God to obey God and murder him as a sacrifice to God.(He didn't have to after all, God provided a ram instead. Whew!) Sounds really mean doesn't it? Well, the devotional writer asked me to ask God in prayer to surrender my dreams to him, to let go and trust Him with the desires that He has planted in my heart so that I am not clinging more to the dream than to God because if there is a dream that I have that is not part of His plan for my life than He will not Bless it and obviously I don't want to go alone trying to make something happen that is not for me. For a long time now, that kind of thinking has kept me from voicing my wants at all, because of my perfectionism problem. I don't even want to ask for something if it could be the wrong thing so I have given up on asking. Seriously.
Before I could out think myself, I grabbed my journal and wrote "I Want" at the top of the page and 4 pages later(yes, 4) I felt done for now. I started with my descriptions of what the Holidays would be like around here, then on to what gifts I want to give, the tools I want for my kitchen, my garden aspirations, my technical desires, career options-the list was like a big release of breath that I have been holding in for a year. It feels good to breathe in again.
After I finished(for now)I closed my book and the first thought that came after my breath of freedom was that I was selfish. Here I am making a list of what "I" want and it is mostly to do with "stuff" and atmospheres and well, me.Who do I think that I am laying out my wish list of demands?
Well, let me tell you, little voice that seeks to destroy me, who wants me to fail and forget that the God of the Universe who I believe loves me and is always with me, accepts me and understands me, who I claim knows everything about me, well He is not upset with me for spitting this all out! He already knew what was in my heart, I do not need to be afraid of myself. He is not afraid of me. So there.
Some of my wants have been laid out today. I do not lay them out as a bribe or a ransom or as absolutely anything than what they are. They were in and now they are out and I feel lighter.
I give them to you Lord, what do I need to do to bring them to pass? I know that You will guide me in. If they are not the kind of desires that You want to Bless because You know what is best for us, then I know I will figure that out because I can trust You to get my attention and speak to me as I listen to You. I vow to not be lazy or complacent or irresponsible and call it faith. I faithfully believe you want me to work, to work wisely and with love.
I think I see a lot more lists coming on...

Wednesday, November 10, 2010


Sick of this____________!!!
Today started with a way too early rise and shine from my toddler around 6:30 am.
It continued with an email from a loved one who is generously going to bail us out of our foreclosure asking me what would change in our lives after the rescue. What are we going to do differently to keep ourselves from homelessness?(NEXT month) Great question.
I have been researching my own dreams and talking a lot to my husband about his. See, the problem is that we have never had one. Not even one, especially one together. 17 years of marriage and no vision for the future, we have been living on the edge for far too long. Putting out fires with gasoline.
After throwing around some lifestyle change ideas and thinking that we were on the right track, I called the generous one and told of our so called plans. What came next, me crying a lot as I listened to the truth about how we have always, ALWAYS, always had money problems, that I don't have to live like this and that my husband is primarily responsible for not providing or protecting or maintaining good relationships with the generous one. I listened and I accepted and I agreed, how can I argue, we have been idiots and it shows.I hung up. Crushed. Squeezed and now on the very edge.
I have no idea how to turn our lives around. I have lots of ideas of what we should do. I have 5 kids and no help in raising them. Did I mention that yesterday was a long day of driving and waiting and driving some more. Stitches out from brain surgery that 12 year old had 2 weeks ago.Unhappy, whiney, screaming and crying kids, Mom coming down with most recent virus to come our way. I came home and collapsed and today I awoke to be crushed.
My head feels like a melon and I have no appetite.
Dreams? Oh yeah, I've got em.

Thursday, November 4, 2010


The time has been announced and the date set, Dec 14 2010, ironically my 5th childs 3rd Birthday, is our court date for the loss of our home of almost 3 years.
The down payment for our house was a gift that was only to be used for the purchase of this home. We have never even come close to saving a 5th of what we were given. This house was a step up from where we were, a stab at suburban living, a dream I have never had.
We must learn the hard way, anyone else have that issue?
Grace must abound. We are allowed to make mistakes, my biggest fear, the thing that torments me is that my children suffer for my stupidity, they will either learn from our mistakes or make the same mistakes. Ugh, that is the part about having kids that breaks my heart. The inheritance.
That is why I suppose it is very good news indeed that the Lord has adopted us into His family and calls us children. His children. We are His inheritance, He is ours. If nothing else I pray that my children will know the Truth and walk in it. That they will love Jesus and comprehend His love for them, that they will walk in forgiveness and love and fullness of His Spirit. I pray that the problems we face, like the loss of a house, physical ailments, feeling inadequate, out of place and awkward, being broke and unable to change it quickly enough. I pray that above all else, that we would know the Love and acceptance and provision of the Father.

Monday, November 1, 2010


Yesterday we joined in some festivities to commemorate the fall with lots of costumes and candy. The kids were; Dylan, a bunny( I haven't seen the pictures yet) Peter, a scary scarecrow thing, he didn't do because he felt too tired from surgery on Wednesday, but he still got plenty of candy! Joshua, the best Darth Vader ever-Maddy, the most beautiful pink and black cat/girl and Ramone, the knight in shining armor that wanted to fight any and everyone who had on any kind of armor or carried a weapon.
We had fun and ended the evening with a trip over to Papa's then home for a movie.
Mimi left yesterday, those of us who were gone to Duke returned on Saturday.
This is probably going to be a rough week with the recovery and recovering of our schedules, plus some sugar detox and realities of responsibilities building up.
We are in foreclosure, our house is falling apart, I got laid off, plus all the usual stuff that keeps us consumed.
Lord, You are our hope and our Salvation