Saturday, May 28, 2011

how hard!

"If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are always above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on the earth." Colossians 3:1-2

the pile of dirty dishes that never stops
Mt. Clothsmore and its many peaks ranging from room to room and out to the clothsline and back again.
Bills, bills and bills
the way I often get avoided and rejected by the ones I love the most
resistance that meets every ounce of instruction and frustration that seeks root all day long
the unkind words and thoughtless judgements of those who mean well but know little
aching feet and cramping legs and a record of sleepless nights
the lack of cool air
the abundance of ridiculously diligent ants that won't quit,no matter what
a rude person or two serving in the public eye
news that seems to be bad
my mind
what I see and feel

It's so hard! The big tragedies, the huge tests and trials-those have been easier somehow, the stuff that others can see without you having to explain. When it's nobodies business and they tread carefully around what is said(to your face anyways)
It's these daily trials of repetitive failures and "Murphy's Law" the long haul and the stuff that you wrestle with day in and out over and over. It's the same old, same old.
and again I fall, I fail and flail and again I remember why...I am driven to my knees and don't even know what to ask for except help.
It isn't always pretty, the stuff above-often I can't even make it out, I can barely tell it's there. But if I go low enough, if I fall on my face and cry out-confess my little faith and doubts and fears, if I can go that low again.As often as it takes. Then I find a way to let go, even if there is nothing big to see, when I am crushed and squeezed and the breath of the enemy heavy and hot on my heels seeks to snag and consume me. I resist, but I can't fight- so I surrender again.
My way for His way
My lowness for His Highness
My wrong for His Right
It's hard to find the above from here below...

Thursday, May 26, 2011


Looking and finding and searching and seeking-This is the call of Christ.
Matthew 6:33
"But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you."

Matthew 7:7
"Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you."

Luke 12:29-31
"And do not seek what you are to eat and what you are to drink, nor be worried.For all the nations of the world seek after these things, and your Father knows that you need them.Instead, seek his kingdom, and these things will be added to you."
Seeking Him, His ways and His will- that means not seeking Me, My ways or My will.
It is a death to self. I gladly relinquish control. After many years of blaming others for being in the way of "MY" dreams and "MY" great ideas, plans and schemes I can truly say that I don't know what to do with ME. I also don't know what to do with YOU.
Now that I have given up control and the right to believe that I am right does this excuse my responsibility(ies) Am I no longer called to do well or to even try?
Do I just lazily sit back and let the world(His world)fall apart and just hope that Christ's forgiveness is enough. Or am I still to "seek" and if I am seeking what am I seeking for? Why can't it just be plain? or is it?
I am on a quest-
to find Blessing and gifts in the most unlikely places. No time for slothful living here on this search. To the judgemental bystander I appear a fool, with my hands up and open, my eyes looking past the mess to see the glory, the fingerprints of a loving God who has tried so tenderly to explain over and over and over again that this world is not all there is, that what happens here is about Him, not me and that His plans for me are great and wise. To look at how He came, His only Son not spared rejection, torture or misunderstanding, yet the fullness of all the Deity within Him. He did more for us than any ever will- He gave us a great example of how to live, serve, speak, not speak, submit to the Father, Trust and yes, die.
Look for the treasure, it is all around. Now that I have started to look-I admit I realize how badly wired and lazy I am-I resist praise! It is so simple, to seek- it is what we are created to do. Oh, how distorted pride makes our vision. We seek to escape the reality that God gives us that will refine and transform us like we know we need to be. His Word tells us that His mercies are new every morning-Seek for them!
Am I carrying a miracle of life in my old used womb again? PRAISE HIM- it is a mercy and a gift!
Am I inconvenienced by people, little and big who need help and I am here to give it?
Am I tired, worn out, spent and waiting on others to come through?
Am I totally dependent on God the Father because I have no idea how to do all I have been given to do?
Did I just forget to look for the Blessing and then He sent a messenger to remind me, like a clue in National Treasure? Did I see the clue?
Is my air conditioner out and we are having a heat wave and now I find myself wondering how missionaries give up their creature comforts for Christ, so I pray for them and the ones who live day in and day out without standard american comfort all over the world- and I wonder if they have found joy, if they are thankful and I pray that they are-and I am now wondering over the mystery of Christ and the Cross and how I need not question God's goodness, His intentions for me- How when years ago He answered my prayers to make me "new" with a baptism of fire that hasn't stopped-how hungry and thirsty I am for Him and Heaven and how I know that no matter how hot and uncomfortable I may be here, now- it is as close to hell as I will ever get.
and my day will continue now, and I will be searching-high and low- for treasures amid the shipwreck, you should too-

Monday, May 23, 2011

why so serious?

I am currently reading another book about gratitude and it has revealed much fear in me. I don't know if it is because I am pregnant and it's a girl or if this would feel so, well, "feely" for me any other time. I had the realization before I read the current book, early on in my pregnancy that I had a hard time relating to a certain type of woman. Just look for Yoga pregnancy workout videos on You Tube and you may find what I did and see what I mean. There is so much femininity, so much "connecting" with the new life within you, so much acknowledgment of this miracle within your womb-that honestly I felt like running and lifting weights would be a better option for me. (As if I will be able to do anything of the sort regularly!) I mentioned to a friend who was exploring becoming a birth educator and had really fallen in like with a class/curriculum/philosophy called "Spiritual Birthing" or something like that, that I didn't like to focus on my unborn baby because I was afraid to love something so uncertain, so unseen, so small-. I left it at that. I have not pursued anything"Spiritual" and have even quit doing my Yoga because I didn't want to become "that kind of woman" I have instead pursued the firm foundation of reading my Bible and obeying God's Law or at least wanting to and praying to. I just can't seem to blend the two types together. The woman that Loves the Law and the Spirit, that is soft and feminine but not helpless, vulnerable but able to bear a burden or ten, wild and free, loyal and devoted...
I haven't liked her very much, the "spiritually soft one" I left her alone and I expected her to do the same to me.
Now I'm reading this book on being thankful as a doorway to communion with the Lord, the key to living in Grace and the fullness of life that He died for us to live. And she is back, I am afraid of her. She is syrupy and teary eyed and sentimental(focus on the mental)She dances in the moonlight and takes pictures of flowers and I stare at my sleeping toddler who looks absolutely like the closest thing to god that I can imagine-and I hate time and the "what if's" that wake me up at night and the fact that there is so much pain in childbirth and that part of me wishes that I could just drink and drug my way through it all and drown all these tender emotions. I hate that I could be totally in love with my sleeping toddler and completely mean to my walking, wakeful teenager and wicked to the stranger who doesn't serve me well. How forgetful I am of wearing my shoes of the gospel of peace because I am busy shining my breastplate of righteousness. How little I trust God. I am afraid to love. Because I am afraid to lose.
yeah, I know-"Perfect love casts out fear"
What does that even mean? To the one who loves much and loses everything-Who knows what it means to be saved and then no longer wishes to dance on the edge of the boat rail. Who would rather wait in the boat these days and forget about walking on the water.
I am no longer interested in being a spiritual super hero. I just want relief.

Monday, May 16, 2011

It's a GIRL!

Had an ultrasound today, the only one I plan to have-and yes, it is true...she's a girl! I brought Maddie and Ramone with me to see the process and Ramone mostly crawled around on the floor while Maddy tried to keep him from trouble and waited patiently for it to end. It seems like they take such a long time, counting every bone, every organ, taking way more views than I feel necessary. The midwife will receive the report tomorrow or within 3 days or so, hope there is nothing abnormal. My main concern being that it was not twins and that the due date that we estimated was accurate. I have been thinking that I am 21 weeks and even though most people think that I am near the end I am only just half way there. The size of the baby and the development would indicate that she is exactly 21 weeks and 2 days. I am still huge! No real reason for that and I am surrendered to this- it is just what I do. I get big, get over it people!!!
At first Maddy seemed quite excited and I was sure to brag to the nurses about how glad I was to have another girl and that I how I hoped that she would be as good, smart, creative and hard-working as my first girl. After we came home, Maddy began to melt down and by the time her Dad came home from work I had sent her to her room for being so disruptive. Ramone broke the news to Daddy about the baby girl and right away he comforted Maddy as she just cried and cried. He understood her much better than I did. I tend to be more like Grandma Walton who said," It's about time she learned that she's not the only pebble on the beach!"
But that's why I need my man, he is so smart-so kind and so sensitive. He babied her and assured her of her firm place in his heart. He told the boys of her sadness and called them to care.(even if they don't quite get it)
Now, after crying and eating dinner she is back to her playful self, running around the back yard with blankets around her and little brother's neck like capes, playing in the fort she built. The ONLY fort that has ever been successfully built by any children in this family so far. (not counting couch cushion forts and blanket tents)
She is a fabulous girl and is going to make a wonderful big sister and a great mama one day. She is irreplaceable.
Thanks God for my girls.

Friday, May 13, 2011


I am. We are moving. We found a house, a house found us. It is more lovely than I could have ever imagined. Though I know it is ours, we move in 3 or 4 weeks, I am still having a hard time believing it is going to happen. We have been in the foreclosure process for about a year. Until 2 weeks ago, my husband went from being unemployed and doing whatever he could for meager income to fully, gainfully, steadily employed at a great company doing something interesting with interesting people. It is in a quaint, little town about 30 miles from here. It took a few monthes for him to get this job and within the first week of working we were notified by the attorney that our hearing had been moved to this week(yesterday) we decided to take action and put the house on the market for a short sale and I also went online to notify our friends of our situation. Within 3 days we were also told of an available house and when to check it out last Friday. As I said, it is amazing. 2 story, built in 1917 on about 3 acres with 6 Pecan trees, at least 2 magnolias and 3 oaks, Mimosa tree, Cedar tree-huge screened in front porch. 9 foot ceilings, long leaf pine floors throughout, 4 bedrooms and 3 full bathrooms, 3 out buildings, a well... big kitchen, what else? it is in between 2 cornfields with a lot of grass to cut and a small patch of woods behind it. Across the highway there is land that is used for hunting(in season) so it is all woods as well. I am in love with this house. Oh yeah, did I mention that it is only 3 miles from my hubbies new job? and yes, this is a historic house-it has a name! We have had so much rough stuff to go through in the past 3-5 years that I am having a hard time believing that this is actually going to all work out. I go between sighes of relief and songs of Praise to doubts and fears and the what if's? It doesn't help that right now I am struggling with the worst cold that I can remember ever having in years. I feel physically like ________(you fill it in) My nose is on drip cycle and my head is on spin, my throat is itchy only when I want to sleep-I have eaten so much garlic today that I probably smell like an Italian Sub. Nevertheless, I let the realtor come and take some pics for the listing and after picking up more boxes from the store have continued to pack. According to the realtors secretary and current tenant, we are good to go and can bring the kids by to see the place tomorrow or Sunday. We are also allowed to bring boxes and put them into the bedrooms if we like, she hardly has anything in the house and says it will all be fine.
This is an unusually sweet situation. Thanks God, I am sorry that I am having a hard time accepting that I am being Blessed in such a real way. Forgive me for my unbelief.
I love you.