Wednesday, October 27, 2010


I am feeling quite tired at the moment and wondering if I should pamper that feeling or stuff it way down deep. I am sitting in Pediatric Intensive Care Unit with my 12 year old who had Brain Surgery today. He got out around 3:30 we left a little after 4 and I came back after dinner, shower and putting the toddler to sleep. Peter is snoozing bigtime. He is in control of his own morphine drip which he has hardly used.
His only complaints have been hunger and thirst. He can't eat or drink yet for a long time.
We are sharing a room with a mystery patient who seems to be a little girl and from the reflection I sometimes get a glimpse of, might be bald. Her mom(?)I think is very blond, very southern and very talkative and has already gone on a rampage about poor service because there are more patients than private rooms available and she wants one now. She wanted one yesterday. She was pretty irate and the nurse is kissing her_____. I wish I couldn't hear everything, all I can hear is their TV and their constant talk. I am glad that my son can rest through it all.
The oldest boy and the youngest boy are at the Ronald McDonald house hopefully sleeping by now. I don't know how long I can make it. I am thinking 2 am is the max. Then I can go back and sleep, then return in the am, maybe Maury can come up early and I can sleep in. Kind of hard when we are all sharing a room to sneak in and/or out without waking anyone up.
I want to eat and there is a no eating rule here in the room, I have to go out into the waiting area to eat and drink.
I am not complaining, I am being lazy with my writing and only telling what is going on at this moment. There has been so much that needs to be written.
Much much more to go.
Until later. I love you Lord, thank you for everything.

Monday, October 25, 2010

about to go

Today is Monday of all Mondays.
The weekend was a bit jammed with one thing after the next thing.
My mom in law arrived on Saturday night, I started Saturday morning with a conference that convicted and reminded me and gave me great hope.
I have a set of goals. At last! I have never been a successful goal setter because there is a lot of chatter in my mind and yes, at times confusion. One day's conviction is out weighed by the next days desire and so most "dreams" are thrown to the dogs.
I have learned of late, by the Mercy of God that this is called...(anticipation and drum roll please...)Submitting to temptation which then leads to sin.
My yes has not been yes, in some areas.
My goals are applicable to every area of life that I live and our sauced in Grace.
Thank you God for second, third and fourth chances.
For humbling me and showing me my detestable pride that keeps me from getting up after I have fallen down. My fear of man, my inability to trust the one who made me and then called me His own.
I will post my goals later, but I want to comment on them now. I find myself immediately challenged. For example, one goal is to go to bed early and rise extra early to give the Lord the finer first fruits of my day. This started Saturday night,as said-my mom in law didn't arrive until 9:30 pm, my new bedtime(at least 4 days a week) but i was gracious and had work to do still. I went to bed at 11, praying for good rest and that the Lord would wake me up early and still help me make it through the day.He did and I did!
On Sunday, I really thought I'd better try harder, but as it turned out I was busy again until about 11-not on my pleasure mind you but on preps for the trip today.
As a faced the option of praying and asking for my Dad's help, I can hear the voice of the enemy whispering that I should try harder and not ask for help because God is not going to help me if I don't get to bed on time! I pray anyway and my sleep is so deep and I am awakened early and I feel great so far. I could tell you the same type of scenario in 2 other goal areas.
I truly believe that God has spoken these goals to me and as I lean into Him, He will bring me to see them happen and He will grant me new conviction and more dreams as we go.
Today, Maury, Dylan, Peter, Ramone and I are leaving for Duke, NC where a team of Drs. await Peter's arrival so he can have brain surgery on Wednesday. We are expecting to be home on Sunday. Mom in law is staying at our house with 2 dogs and 2 children. Many people are praying, bringing meals and taking a child to their house here and there. It is going to be an amazing week.
I am looking for You Lord! Show us Your Glory!! Call out to the dead mans hearts! Astound us again with the reality of You and Your love for us. We are depending on You. Thank you Jesus!
I love you

Sunday, October 24, 2010


A few days ago I sensed the Lord calling me to a specific verse. Do you ever have this happen? My husband and I were praying and he said,"The wicked borrow and do not repay and we don't want to be like the wicked, so Lord help us to get and stay out of debt"! Well, that is something I can agree with, and it impressed my heart and mind and stuck with me in a way that most prayers don't. That night, I decided to once again pick up my Autobiography on George Mueller and what page should I open to but one with a Scripture explaining why him and his mates decided not to ask openly or beg for their needs to be met for the orphan homes that they felt called to operate. This time it was Romans 13:8 "Owe no one anything except to love each other, for the one who loves another has fulfilled the law"(I did that without looking it up and without hesitation, Praise God!
Then the next morning when I sat down to my Bible reading time, I opened up to the assigned chapter, Romans 13 and there it was again. That is when I knew that this verse was for me. I love it when that happens. Thank you Daddy.
Keep on showing me your love, open my eyes and ears and show me!!
I had also already had it heavy on my heart that I was not really applying myself to memorizing scripture. I know some just because I have been reading the Bible or other books about the Bible and done may Bible studies through the last 13 years, but I haven't been really trying, I would write a verse down on a notecard and read it several times per day but not be able to take it to heart with my mind.
I was checking my blog subscriptions and one of them was about why to memorize scripture. It had a few you tube vids from John Piper on the subject.
First of all, I had no idea that he ever yelled from the pulpit. Secondly, I had never thought about all the useless weapons I yield towards the powerful enemy of my soul. Thank you Mr. Piper!
Again, I knew that the Lord was speaking to me all at once. To call me to a deeper, more committed walk of His Word.
At the bottom of the post there were also some links to sites that help you with memory verses. Awesome! I have only joined one,, and I love it. It is actually fun, not overwhelming and it works. If you want to grow in your memory verse bank, this is a great way to do it. I have yet to check out the other suggestions.
My goal is 10 verses by November 15(I think)
Already, I realized how many I do know, just needed to put the address on and pay closer attention. And I definitely know Romans 13:8, it is my meditation.
Thank you Father, my King.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Lazy perfectionism

"Procrastination refers to the counterproductive deferment of actions or tasks to a later time. Psychologists often cite such behavior as a mechanism for coping with the anxiety associated with starting or completing any task or decision."- Wikipedia

I see a common curse in our members. I want to reap the results without the effort. I try hard, I fail miserably, I decide to find another way and try again, I give up because I failed again. I hate to fail. To have a track record of should not haves.
Instead of repenting of my sin(most problems I struggle with and most victories I am not experiencing, I say most, the reason is because of habitual sin)I try harder in my own strength, then when that fails I blame the battle and try to avoid it by joining the other team! I am a traitor. My devotion is all over the place.
Discipline, Grace and Spirit led Obedience.
There is no easy button here.
I know what I should be doing.
I heard a truth today from a loop in the Chiropractors' office. Dr. Ben Lerner was on the screen talking about God made food versus man made food. In order to have a "Body By God" one must not focus first on deleting the bad stuff, he recommends the approach of first adding in the good God stuff. I know the truth hidden in this. I can't maintain a devotion to the good and the bad.
If I start adding in the good God food, I find the power of the bad stuff is weakened.
Overcoming the evil with good(Romans 12:21
Same truth applies to every area. It is not the list of do nots that motivates me. It is only when I do, when I seek Him first and fill my mind and mouth with the good God things that I am released from the desire to do and say the wrong. It is by being in the Presence of one so Pure that impurity is revealed.
I am saddened by the thought of many faces I know that are feasting on the world and growing empty everyday, refusing to drink the Living Water and eat the Bread of Life.Fully aware of their own personal failures and walking in guilt. Come die! So that we may live,
what is it that holds us back? What holds you back from doing the good?

Saturday, October 16, 2010

fight sin before behavoir

This link first, cut and paste into your browser

awesome, what can I say. I am such a to do list gal that I have a hard time believing that God can help me when I can't help myself. But He does! Every time I run to Him first instead of a well designed plan for victory, I am enveloped in Grace and power. The catch is that I have to admit that I have sin and that sin is the problem, and to recognize that means that the Holy Spirit is gonna be at work in me. According to the Word, it is not me or other people that point out my sin, it is a work of the Spirit. I think that sometimes I assume that the Spirit is present to make me feel good or high on life(false)then when I feel badly because I am not walking in obedience or truth I think it is the devil instead of repenting. A lack of repentance is what kept the Pharisees from believing Jesus was God. I think that we are afraid to admit our own sin, we admit our failures-but not our sin that lead us there. We are not bad people who just can't get it right and there is no amount of trying harder that is going to make us better. We are sinners saved by the blood of our beautiful and mighty Savior who suffered for us and calls us to the same. Conviction from His kindness, His Spirit within, we bow down and we worship Him, we realize His Highness and "better-ness" and it is through the humbling of us that we see Him as He is and find ourselves grateful that He loves us so and is not calling us to do anything on our own. In our weakness He is stronger, Hallelujah! Failure is not to be feared.
Our weakness, our inability to be perfect is a path leading us to Him.
Before we try to be better, we have to admit that we can't be better apart from Him
If we feel that we are perfect, that we can try harder and we seem to get better without Him, we are deceived by pride and that is cause to repent.
Repentance is a gift-
Sin is insidious-but by His Blood we are free.
Fight the good fight
I love you

Friday, October 15, 2010

love it hate it what to do with it

"In your struggle against sin you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood." Hebrews 12:4

No, indeed I have not. I avoid struggle at all costs. Lord, heal me of me self protection. Denying myself is so hard and it seems that the only way to do it is to remain face down(in the Spirit if not in the flesh) at all times. It seems like my flesh is like a dog that is constantly waiting for the opportunity to jump up on me and establish dominance. Down boy, down! That is the cry of my spirit.
I am overwhelmed with thoughts of hatred and disgust for the pride I see in others which is really the pride in me revealing it's ugly head. Is there anyone else that longs to be free and is tired of this world?
I am so full of me.
"Rid me of myself, I belong to you." Jennifer Knapp

Not because of the world, but because of me in it. I am torn. Come Jesus, come!

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Givin up

Have you ever given up?
As in realizing that there is something that you value more than the Lord and His leadership and you find yourself running to that thing and looking forward to that thing more than Him. You realize that you have an idol, a false idol that must be taken down and all worship thereby repented of so that true fellowship with the Father can be restored.
Have you ever heard Him ask you to give something to Him?
Give it up.
I have. and I did. Then I ran up to the altar when I thought no one was looking and I stole it back. I changed its name and dressed it differently in hopes that no one would recognize it and I could even live peacefully in deception myself with the same old substitute. The pattern drives deep. I am in my many years later with my habitual sin. God has opened my eyes to my own desperate measures and shown me that I do not need to hide from Him to come clean.
Again I am confounded by His attention to little ol me and my "little ol" sin.
But I willingly give it up.
I choose Him because of Him.
I know what to do, He makes it quite clear what I am to do instead of;
for example-
Instead of complaining...give thanks, praise Him and trust Him with the situation
Instead of looking to ? to satisfy-stop, drop and pray, look to Him to bring true satisfaction
Instead of judging, forgive
Instead of gossip, shut up
Instead of pity, rejoice in your trials

and I could go on.
Right now I get it and I do not want to forget it! The peace and the joy and the stillness that my soul is experiencing in this place of Him and me, I don't want to lose it. The Trust is happening and the fruit is love.
There is no change on the outside-but I am getting it more now. Fear of returning to the place where I worship my idol and indulge my self with sin could drive me to worry but instead of worry I am to...not worry-
Deny myself, take up my cross and follow hard after You.
Luke 9:23,24
23Then he said to them all: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.
I thank You God for every failure of the false-every trial that I have that only brings me closer to you. For the privilege of rising above if I will let go below.
You are so good to me and to all who love you and are called according to Your purpose. For it is in losing my life that it will be gained.
"24For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it."
I never knew I had a life until I met You.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Free Gift

"And you were once dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience--among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind. But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together in Christ--by grace you have been saved--and raised us up with him and seated us with him in heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them." Ephesians 2:1-10

How truly opposite of this truth I want to live! In my bad habit of walking in the flesh, I find myself turning this truth upside down. Here is my flesh version;
"I must look for good works to do, we all must. Then I must grit my teeth and do them in return for earning a right to get into heaven which is supposed to be good right? I am going to be a better person today, a better "Christian" by trying harder-He helps those who help themselves, Right? And like a good friend who wants to help me out but would rather see my character suffer to develop, god is watching but won't help. He is waiting for me to get it together so that I can repay him for what he is giving me even now. I can be perfect, if only he can wait another day. There is no such thing as free for me. I am a hopeless case, he is unable to do much with the situation i am in. If I was not so disobedient, he would help me. I have to "do my best and let God do the rest". All self help is god's way in disguise, he is interested in my success. I am not that bad am I?"
Sick, sad and false. How hard it is for me to accept something I have never had nor will ever have on my own Freedom. Grace-For Freeeeeeeeeeeeee....
In our world it is much better to give than receive, right?
Yet so opposite of what the Lord wants to do with us. He wants us to receive from Him, Jesus is the ransom paid. Thank you Father and Son. I can't add anything to that. The gift of grace is free for us who faithfully believe. We can't even take credit for our belief! He says he called us first. How much my pride is forced to let go of. We are His workmanship, not our own. It is His kingdom we are in and going to. It is His, all His-we are His, all His. Enjoy this free gift.
Only in accepting it continually for ourselves are we free to give it away to others. Others who hurt us, offend us, use us and frustrate us. Our friends and family, our inner circle. No way I can do that on my own, I must receive this precious free gift. How about you?