Wednesday, June 30, 2010


It must not go unnoticed that Jesus
triumphed over the great enemy of his soul and our salvation
through fasting.-john piper

Jesus began his ministry with fasting.
And he triumphed over his enemy through fasting. And our
salvation was accomplished through perseverance by fasting.-john piper

“[God led you in the wilderness] that He might humble you,
testing you, to know what was in your heart, whether you would
keep His commandments or not. And He humbled you and let
you be hungry” (Deuteronomy 8:2).

Richard Foster’s
comment in The Celebration of Discipline that “more than any
other discipline, fasting reveals the things that control us.”

Fasting is a periodic—and sometimes decisive—declaration
that we would rather feast at God’s table in the kingdom of
heaven than feed on the finest delicacies of this world. -john piper

Therefore the fight of faith and the battle to behold the
glory of the Lord day by day is fought not only by feeding the
soul on truth, but fasting, to put our appetites to the test, and
if necessary to death.-john piper

Lord, I know that I need more of You and less of me. When I read about fasting or any spiritual discipline I am overwhelmed with excitement and ready to take it on. I have learned from the past that all too often I commit to a long term fast with goo intentions and then forget what I am doing or like this last time I cave and find it too difficult-so I give up.
I am not able to fast in my own strength anymore.
Please help me and lead me and keep from the sin of lying.I know that I need to fast for the right reasons, I am in a special place as a teacher, leader and friend. I need you to speak through me, to show me how to live free of gluttony Thank you fro breaking the chains of the enemy, thank you that I do not serve sin, please lead me in all righteousness to live a life worthy of the call.

Monday, June 28, 2010

where am i?

My newly found routines of being a single mom (for two weeks) with 3 children 10 and under has now been interupted and I am found to be a wife and mom of 5, ages 16 and under. I kinda missed some things about my big guys, but there are so many things that I didn't miss. Having older children lurking around means having your things that you have done undone and usually not redone until you redo them. Like locking the doors at night. I had a perfect little routine. I would lock the storm door, the dead bolt and the knob. I would lock the sunroom door and the workshop stayed locked since I never go in there and when I do, I lock it back immediately. I would also lock the garage door to the outside and the inside door to the garage. These also almost always stayed locked, since rarely were they unlocked without my knowledge. Since the junior and senior men have returned, there has been a lot of open, unlocked doors- a lot of in and out. And this is the kind of thing that gets on my nerves when I am trying to go to sleep after "locking up" I find that part of the problem is that when I am with the 10 and under crowd, I don't expect them to cook their own food or to put away left overs after dinner. But as soon as the big guys are back I am depending on them to just come along side and serve and pull weight, but they don't work like I do. I get mad, I get worried and I get frustrated. I run late and I am disappointed. How can I be so dumb?
Lord please help me to "possess my vessel" and lay my expectations down at Your feet. To let them be guys and ask for help plainly when I need it. And when I don't get it, let me be grateful anyway. You are my Rock, I can lean on You, I love you and I thank you.

Saturday, June 26, 2010


"If I continue to preach the Gospel and more importanly LIVE the Gospel in this community, though the outward conditions of the people may never change or may change very slowly, but if these people can come with us to Heaven, a few years of suffering will pale in comparison." From the Journey written by Katie who is living in Africa and has given her life to serving the people in Christ.

Lord, how often do I not do anything because I am certain that my little effort will not make a big difference, not enough to show. Lord I pray for Katie, for her protection and the protection of all the lives that are coming to her to come to You. I pray for provision and to give as much as you ask me to. Lord, those babies, those women, they are so beautiful-I long to hold them, to bandage them to pray with them, to feed them. It is crazy that I would have affection for little ones that I have never met. Please continue to give me passion and compassion for the hungry and the hurting. Free us from complacency and greed, ingratitude and self righteousness,shallow lust and hate-all these fruits of our twisted culture. We are like spoiled children in our casual confessions and lack of conviction. I don't want to be spit out! Lord, free me from the lukewarm!
Continue to grant Katie and all those who help her, fullness of Spirit. A love that won't be depleted.
And here I sit, with an 11 year old that is "impossible"Lord, forgive me-love him through me. Help me to see him as you do. Transform his heart-yes-but also heal my hardness, impatience and frustration. I am sorry.
I love you and cannot live without you, nor do I want to. Use me Lord, just use me.

Thursday, June 24, 2010


"Between the dangers of self-denial and self-indulgence there
is a path of pleasant pain.It is not the pathological pleasure of a
masochist, but the passion of a lover’s quest: “I have suffered the
loss of all things, and count them but rubbish in order that I may
gain Christ” (Philippians 3:8)." -John Piper/A Hunger For God

"When God is the supreme hunger of
our hearts, he will be supreme in everything." -JP

Whom have I in heaven but thee?
And there is nothing upon earth
that I desire besides thee.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion for ever.
—PS A L M 7 3 : 2 5 - 2 6 , R S V

God, be the supreme hunger of my heart! Lead me on the path of pleasant pain that I may gain Christ. I long for more of You.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

and then

Been a little while and I am feeling it! My thoughts are all jumbled up with all the sidenotes of stuff I want to write about. It is going to be a mish mosh mash thinks I.
Today was good with a bit of decluttering coupled with a good phone call to catch up with a friend. I finally rid my 2 year olds dresser of his winter clothes, which was taking up 3 of 5 drawers. I think it is finally safe to say that we are not going to have a 'cold snap' for some time. This daunting task took all of 6 minutes and again I wonder why I procrastinate and make such a big deal mentally about little tasks.
My Dad called me around 9 this morning to let me know that I am a sister again!
His wife gave birth to their second son in 2 years! What a joyful thing, a baby!
New hope and sweetness, a physical reminder of what it is to love and care.
My heart is overjoyed for them.
Last night I let my husband have a verbal whippin because he has been using his time away to indulge our 16 year old in extra curricular "Blues Jam" activities. Hence, many nights spent out at bars. It makes me sick.
I am so over my husband not being into the Lord. Lord I know you know, and I am sorry. After I called him out on what he has been doing, he sheepishly admitted that maybe it wasn't the best way to spend his time and decided to stay in. Which meant that he and Dylan had to get out of the car and come inside. After talking for a while more he commented that he missed me. I asked him what he missed about me and he said, "this" and I can still hardly believe it! Me telling him what is right and what is wrong? Is that my purpose? Am I enabling him to be an infant by giving him direction at times? Lord, I long for a manly husband. Someone to spark with. This is how it has been for so long. We come back to this place where the best way to imagine it would be me telling him to dominate me. It just never works. Truth is maybe I wouldn't like to be ruled over like that. I have just accepted that part of us as us at our worst. At our best we work well side by side, each doing our part and not expecting the other to do what we are already doing. It just leaves me in an awkward position when it comes to our roles.Our God given roles. I don't want to be disobedient or disappointing to the Lord. I have backed off and I have submitted to so much. My expectation truly is in the Lord and the impossible things He can do. I have let go of so much, how much more do I have a hold on? I have decided to fast and pray as led for breakthrough in Maury and our family's faith in the Lord in general.
I do miss my man, I will call him that, he is all I've got in the husband department! I let him know that I missed him physically, I am sure that got his truck wheels turning towards home.
What I really want is for him to stand alone before you Lord. That he would know that You are God and Jesus is the only Way and that he would be filled with passion to know you more and seek your will for his life. That he would have a vivid,real prayer life and love you more than me or anything this world can give. I pray he'd admit his failures and repent of sin, that he would be free from whatever it is that holds him back and keeps him in a state of impotency. For life lived to the fullest and an abundant overflowing love expressed clearly. To be a mighty man of God and for me to be wife to that man. His love for me to be effusive and obvious. I want him to want me. Not because I tell him what to do, but just me. Want God, then me. That's what I want.
Last night I watched half of High Fidelity with John Cusack and laughed a bit to myself. Whoever wrote it, nailed the characters. The dialogue and monologue is really funny. I like it even though it reminds me of past lives that I never lived, though I am sure that am an extra somewhere on the scene.
My 20 year high school reunion is coming up in a few weeks and I will not be making it. I have very mixed feelings about wanting to go and see what really is going on in Columbus. I would have to go for a walk down High Street to all my old haunts. Of course a trip down the road where Smith Farms was and through the old neighborhood. Part of me is all about this nostalgia and I get weird imaginary feelings as I consider it. But-that is all I am going to do this time. Cause I can't afford to go anywhere and if I could I am not sure that this would be my choice.
I am afraid that I would face of ton of rejection and other people would be so much more successful, namely my old friend Robin who is going, and seems to be living the dream in California where she has settled down after many years of traveling the world and is a paralegal who is engaged and expecting her first child in 5 months or so. She is the star. Who am I?
I know that it is silly to think this way. Just because somebody is a star in Facebook world does not equate a fabulous life. It is just an image thing. I am not so sure what my image would look like in Ohio. It would be weird. just saying.
So, I think that everyone but the dogs is asleep and tomorrow is another day with plans for the beach in the a.m., after the chiro of course, I may even grab some frappucinos on the way to the beach for my friend and I to indulge in. Then home and breakfast for lunch. A restful afternoon(i hope) and kids to VBS for a time while I do a friend's hair at my house. Whew!
I am not even asleep yet and I need to get up soon.
I finished reading the book Green by Ted Dekker today. Weirdest one out of the series. Lots to ponder. Would love to have a sit down conversation about the Bible and stuff with him.
oh well. gotta go
Lord, give me right words, words full of light and truth, love and salt-Use my mouth to proclaim You. Cleanse me of all filth and wasteful words, don't let me be afraid of silence!

Sunday, June 20, 2010


I am so much enjoying blogging that I can't help but wonder how long this habit will last. I never thought that I would exchange my pen and paper for a laptop. I have previously enjoyed penmanship way too much. But as for today, right now-I am pleasantly obsessed with typing.
Took back 3 of the things that I bought last night from Target and proceeded to buy 3 newer ones. Love the choices I have made so far. Thank you Lord. Even though I do not have to pray about these simple little decisions according to the Naked Gospel and I know that I don't HAVE to, I still enjoy bringing it all to my Dad in Heaven and watching how it all works. What a privilege.
Went onto the 11 o clock service where once again I have noted the lack of teaching on the Gospel. We are in a series on Family and parenting specifically. We sing songs about Jesus before the message and proclaim him as Savior. Then the message assumes we know the basics(like the gospel) and moves right on to a "to do" list on righteous living. I agree with the basic principles and the teacher made some great points and abbreviations for stuff like, "Rules - Relationship=Rebellion"( a quote from a known author) and "Quality+Quantity squared" a time equation and I was very impressed by the said speaker's manly ability to shoot a bow and hit the bullseye on stage,(almost) Here it is Father's Day, why not address the Fathers? Why not address the statistics that you shared on how the church is losing members, lifelong members and why people take God for granted and then walk away never to return?
I spoke to a friend this week whose unsaved husband does not wish to allow her to bring their only child, a daughter, into the church anymore."At this point, he doesn't want her in that type of environment." That is what she said to me! I was too stunned to react but if I could go back would say,"what do you mean? a Christian environment? Is your husband anti-Christ?" What the???? Just another brick in the wall.
I have spent the majority of birthday money given to me on clothing from Target and now I think I will buy the ESV Study Bible from the Church Bookstore. I thought I would save money and buy a softcover woman's devotional bible for the new year and overall I don't like to use it. Certainly not for study, devotionally it is okay. I guess that is what it was for!!!
Right now I am passionate about stepping up and onto a more studious route of Bible reading. I think that I am like this for His Purpose and I am accepting that. Yayayayayyyyyyyy!
Well, now I get to go and hold some babies for an hour while their parents hear the message. Lord, love them through me and thank you for letting me be there. Loveyou

what i would like to say...again

I just got halfway down the page and did one of those magic finger moves where I erase in a flash all my passionate ranting. Great. SO here I go some more again...
I have been living here for 5 years and have led a small group for about 4. The group that I am currently leading consists of 3 core members. 1 wants a divorce, 1 is getting a divorce and 1 is married with 2 children. Then there is me. 3 of us attend the same church though only I am the regular attendee. I want to do a Bible Study. I have had several girls tell me that they would like to join our group but I am not sure why. We said we would go over the church message and outline and we did once. We are supposed to meet every other week but due to the predictably unpredictable actions of the one whose home it is supposed to be at, we are unable to meet there as said.
It is nice to get together and to visit. I enjoy that but as I stand by and watch my friends suffering from lack of Jesus and Biblical understanding and there lives falling apart and their blindness. Well, I just don't see how this is doing any good.
I talked to my mentor and she said that I am allowing them to say they are in a small group as if to imply spiritual accountability and pursuit, while nothing is further from the truth.
I also must add that I did belong to a group of women who homeschool who are closer to my age who bored me to tears and seemed paranoid and intolerant not to mention a hint of dishonesty and judgy gossip. I was glad to leave that group.
Lord, what now? I am sad. I am frustrated and I am wondering what is up. I miss the old days when I could participate in a Bible Study and everyone tried to do their homework and show up for the video. When we knew the focus and pursued Christ together. I miss that.
My husband doesn't want to read the same books or participate in a group study either. He has been reading Proverbs for 10 years. I just get frustrated with his inability to speed read and lack of interest in Doctrine. I sense the danger of false teaching, and am nervous about some of the reading selections out there. I don't want to be deceived or led astray nor do I want to lead others away from the truth.
What next Lord? What about these girls? Why? What do you want me to do? What should my intention be?
How can I communicate the importance of You and of knowing Your Son?
Why am I here? And why does it seem like everytime I get into this place then someone comes along and basically says that i need to lighten up and just fellowship and understand that is what most young moms need and want. That is not true for me. Surely I am not alone!
Lord, please lead me to the next thing. Teach me how to know You and Your Word, the Truth from the lies. Help me to see and to hear and to walk in Your ways. Lead me to You. Use my mind and unite my heart-my body and soul to serve you alone. Let my light so shine that others would be drawn or repulsed, I'll take anything but being lukewarm. Show me where I am not on fire for you and do whatever it takes to get me there. I love you and I know that I can trust you. You are amazing God. I need you more.

Saturday, June 19, 2010


I finished reading the book the Naked Gospel by Andrew Farley this morning and just as I have wanted all along, I want someone else to read it and chew on it with me.
It has some really great points about Jesus plus nothing and Grace, all Grace and nothing but Grace. I couldn't agree more with some of what was said. Yet I still love Marc Driscoll and Francis Chan who challenge us to examine our "works" and to pray to God for behavior modification as needed. I guess that doesn't really disagree with what the book was saying.
My mind is a little cloudy at this moment.

And now I confess that there is only one thing that is needed. Lord, I cannot and will not live without you. I love you. I need you. Your Spirit is sweet, wine to my soul and peace to my mind. I pray to be full of you today. Help me to remain in You. You are in me. I pray to follow you. Thank you that you have given me everything I need to live the life you have called me to live. Thank you that you continually provide for us out of your abundant wealth. Thank you for such a time as this. That you are always working and that your work in us is never done. That all suffering is temporary for those whom who have chosen. I love you

Friday, June 18, 2010

What the?

Woke up around 2:40 am from a dead sleep that started around 11pm. I laid there in denial about the fact that I was wide awake and unable to find comfort. Until at last my mind began to race with worries about money, appointments, responsibilities
and the like. Then my stomach began to growl and I got up to get a glass of water, laid back down and moments later decided to get a piece of provolone. Turned on my light and began to read Green by Ted Dekker, then got up to have peanut butter and milk since my stomach was acting very hungry. I read until a little after 4, then prayed(which I should have done much sooner, and went back to sleep)Until about 8 am which is way too late for me to get up on a Friday morning when I am supposed to go get adjusted at 8:45 and head for the beach immediately after. I decided to skip the chiropractor and feel guilty because of the time slot I took and didn't use, they are way too accommodating as is. I woke up everyone, not hard since they were coming to anyhow, and rushed to the beach arriving there by 9:20. We got a parking spot, sunscreen on, purchased our ticket to park and headed down to the water. We have been to the beach every other day at least once, often coming back after 6 when parking is free. We played in the surf and sand for 2 hours then came home to eat lunch and relax. I coaxed my youngest into taking a nice 2 hour siesta. When I woke up we had to head to the bank and then stop by the store again. We decided on soup and croissants for dinner with brownies for dessert. The kids have been out back for a few minutes tossing the baseball in the drizzly rain. Now they are anticipating the completion of the brownies and asking to go do something else.
Lord, I feel so tired. Maury is going to be gone for probably another week and right now it is hard for me to explain how I feel about that. On one hand, this week has been nice without all the confusion and stress that he brings or else that happens when we are together. Today I lost my temper and gracious attitude because I specifically asked him to think up a plan to make sure that I wasn't stuck here at home with no cash waiting for the electric to be cut off while he was working and earning far away.I still had to bring it up yesterday as there had been no mention of any plan. Today he called first thing to tell me that money would be on the way and then I didn't hear back until after 4. That means that maybe it wouldn't be in there until monday which made me mad. I let him know, I found out that the money had been put into our savings and did go through but that didn't make me feel any better about the fact that he doesn't seem to think of me much. I miss our physical relationship, kind of. But the reality is that we share our bed with a 2 year old and never spend anytime away so it is kind of hard to have any hot and heavy action. I do not miss my 16 yr old who is always complaining and torn and trying to get something. He messed up again before he left and I am enjoying the lack of warfare. Our 11 yr old has health problems that involve epilepsy and causes a few delays developmentally. He has a terrible mean streak and loves to ponder blood and killing. I don't miss that. He picks fights regularly.

So, I am feeling a bit down today. It is a build up and a frustration. Frustration is a build up, I suppose. I am frustrated about;
lack of true Christian Fellowship with my local "friends" who are not so interested in the Lord as they are themselves.
The Church because it still forgets to focus on Jesus
My husband because he also does not seem to be interested in__________, (whatever)
Our financial inability, instability
As a wife and as a parent
Weeds and grass that won't grow slower
A weed eater that is too heavy and not working
my body, my face and my life
my desire to eat dessert all day everyday

God I know that I am being ungrateful and that all these things I have named are temporary and able to be changed. Thank you that you love me anyway. You never change.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

walkin on sunshine, ohohoh!

I woke up to that song in my head because I dreamt that I was singing it along with a band that Dylan was practicing with. I was singing along at the top of my lungs, yet when the song was over the lady who had sung it into the mic expressed that it was not her type of song and wondered if I would be interested in trying to sing it for them and I laughed and I declined. The story of my life when it comes to singing.
My husband swears I can't sing at all. My 16 year old says I'm okay. I really don't think I am that bad. I have always dreamt of singing. and flying.
My voice has become so much better than it was before. Maybe one day I will sing and it will be lovely.
My dream was about some ladies that were playing with Dylan that were not your typical "musical "type that one sees nowadays. These women were large and with short hair, they had grey hair! THey were wrinkled, dressed fancy but overall not attractive, especially to our youth culture. But they could sing and play instruments. I came to the conclusion in my dream that it was better to be not so attractive on the outside with true beauty springing forth from within, than to be a cute 16 year old with noting more to offer than a nice voice. You know that this was about Dylan and his shallow desires for "Jenny" (my new name for an old friend"
I want him to see that beauty is fleeting. Outward beauty is temporal. How well have I done with this one? Seeing as I have a father who loves to look 30 years younger and even marries that way, and all I have ever wanted to be was the most beautiful. Well, I haven't done this well. I have been shallow. I am.
When I woke up and laid there for a moment and pondered my dreams this morning, I turned over onto my side and felt my loose skin and fat, the fleshy ball of dough that hits the bed before everything else. Yuck! That is what I thought. How did this get here and when and how can I get rid of it? If I had the money and the time, I would have it cut off and made new. One good thing is that I have decided to quit worrying so much about how I may look and instead go deeper. Sure, I want to be beautiful, but not at the expense of extremes. I have tried to be better for so long. TO be thinner, leaner, stronger, sexier. To no avail. Just a lot of wasted time. Gravity is here. I am now 38, I have birthed and am raising 5 kids. I am amazing. My body bears testimony of all I have done and continue to do, but in the end-it will be gone, a pile of bones and maybe ash. What I do with it is more important than how it appears.
I want to be lovely. This may mean keeping certain parts of my body covered at times and some other parts covered all the time. I am okay with that! Do I want to be healthy? Strong? Flexible? Thinner? leaner? Oh hell ya! Is that more important than all the other stuff I want? Can I have it all?
The Lord, my savior Jesus Christ. What matters to him, matters to me. The outside is the outside, the inside is true. Lord, let me love you from the inside out.
When You chose me, you picked a mess. I may have thought that I was beautiful on the outside and I had all the right stuff. I knew the truth, that I was on a path of self destruction that meets the approval of our culture and this world. I was hurting and hunting and I was not going to stop hurting others until I found what I was looking for. Yet, you found me! You completed me. I am done. I like what you are doing to me. Thank you and never stop. love

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

so long

Okay, so I found a check for I think almost 700 bucks while decluttering and reorganizing my files and bills. Praise God! I started a new and simpler system and decided that I am a crazy person who starts too many systems with extreme optimism and forgets that I did, then I neglect and confusion sets in and I procrastinate. AGHHH.
We cashed the check,it was almost a year old, we spent it promptly on necessities. I filled out the app for "food stamps" which I will now refer to as EBT, since it is a card like a debit and not "stamps" Maury took the app in and we are now the grateful if not proud recipients of a lot of money for food each month. Thank you Jesus.
I began to feel quite sick and suffered major digestive discomfort before I remembered why I quit this"healing diet" in the first place.So, I quit! I gave up and I realized that I have been serving a false idol of "Skinny" Skinny has promised to save me for many years, but really all she's done has been a lie. She is unable to save me, she is too thin! (haha) I put my foot down and picked up my fork.
I serve an amazing God who has Blessed me with an amazing body and wisdom to care for it accordingly. I love to cook and eat delicious foods. I don't need much at once, but variety is essential. Fresh is essential. Creative and seasonal is essential. I am currently enjoying the book, "French Women Don't Get Fat" the recipes and suggestions are wonderfully practical yet not average. Thank you French women everywhere. I am a student of your ways.
Yesterday, I made my own birthday cake to share with some friends who were pleasantly surprised at my actions. They forgot my day was near but were glad to partake in the eating. Afterward, I heard moans and groans about being over stuffed and too full. But I could honestly say that I was not guilty. I hadn't overeaten. After they left and I had another piece with ice cream at bedtime, well that was a bit more than I needed and my french sisters would not suggest this.
The call is to serve, and to have and to enjoy and to not be a be grateful and creative and work hard. To enjoy the Lord and all His fullness-
that is what I aim to do.