Tuesday, June 22, 2010

and then

Been a little while and I am feeling it! My thoughts are all jumbled up with all the sidenotes of stuff I want to write about. It is going to be a mish mosh mash thinks I.
Today was good with a bit of decluttering coupled with a good phone call to catch up with a friend. I finally rid my 2 year olds dresser of his winter clothes, which was taking up 3 of 5 drawers. I think it is finally safe to say that we are not going to have a 'cold snap' for some time. This daunting task took all of 6 minutes and again I wonder why I procrastinate and make such a big deal mentally about little tasks.
My Dad called me around 9 this morning to let me know that I am a sister again!
His wife gave birth to their second son in 2 years! What a joyful thing, a baby!
New hope and sweetness, a physical reminder of what it is to love and care.
My heart is overjoyed for them.
Last night I let my husband have a verbal whippin because he has been using his time away to indulge our 16 year old in extra curricular "Blues Jam" activities. Hence, many nights spent out at bars. It makes me sick.
I am so over my husband not being into the Lord. Lord I know you know, and I am sorry. After I called him out on what he has been doing, he sheepishly admitted that maybe it wasn't the best way to spend his time and decided to stay in. Which meant that he and Dylan had to get out of the car and come inside. After talking for a while more he commented that he missed me. I asked him what he missed about me and he said, "this" and I can still hardly believe it! Me telling him what is right and what is wrong? Is that my purpose? Am I enabling him to be an infant by giving him direction at times? Lord, I long for a manly husband. Someone to spark with. This is how it has been for so long. We come back to this place where the best way to imagine it would be me telling him to dominate me. It just never works. Truth is maybe I wouldn't like to be ruled over like that. I have just accepted that part of us as us at our worst. At our best we work well side by side, each doing our part and not expecting the other to do what we are already doing. It just leaves me in an awkward position when it comes to our roles.Our God given roles. I don't want to be disobedient or disappointing to the Lord. I have backed off and I have submitted to so much. My expectation truly is in the Lord and the impossible things He can do. I have let go of so much, how much more do I have a hold on? I have decided to fast and pray as led for breakthrough in Maury and our family's faith in the Lord in general.
I do miss my man, I will call him that, he is all I've got in the husband department! I let him know that I missed him physically, I am sure that got his truck wheels turning towards home.
What I really want is for him to stand alone before you Lord. That he would know that You are God and Jesus is the only Way and that he would be filled with passion to know you more and seek your will for his life. That he would have a vivid,real prayer life and love you more than me or anything this world can give. I pray he'd admit his failures and repent of sin, that he would be free from whatever it is that holds him back and keeps him in a state of impotency. For life lived to the fullest and an abundant overflowing love expressed clearly. To be a mighty man of God and for me to be wife to that man. His love for me to be effusive and obvious. I want him to want me. Not because I tell him what to do, but just me. Want God, then me. That's what I want.
Last night I watched half of High Fidelity with John Cusack and laughed a bit to myself. Whoever wrote it, nailed the characters. The dialogue and monologue is really funny. I like it even though it reminds me of past lives that I never lived, though I am sure that am an extra somewhere on the scene.
My 20 year high school reunion is coming up in a few weeks and I will not be making it. I have very mixed feelings about wanting to go and see what really is going on in Columbus. I would have to go for a walk down High Street to all my old haunts. Of course a trip down the road where Smith Farms was and through the old neighborhood. Part of me is all about this nostalgia and I get weird imaginary feelings as I consider it. But-that is all I am going to do this time. Cause I can't afford to go anywhere and if I could I am not sure that this would be my choice.
I am afraid that I would face of ton of rejection and other people would be so much more successful, namely my old friend Robin who is going, and seems to be living the dream in California where she has settled down after many years of traveling the world and is a paralegal who is engaged and expecting her first child in 5 months or so. She is the star. Who am I?
I know that it is silly to think this way. Just because somebody is a star in Facebook world does not equate a fabulous life. It is just an image thing. I am not so sure what my image would look like in Ohio. It would be weird. just saying.
So, I think that everyone but the dogs is asleep and tomorrow is another day with plans for the beach in the a.m., after the chiro of course, I may even grab some frappucinos on the way to the beach for my friend and I to indulge in. Then home and breakfast for lunch. A restful afternoon(i hope) and kids to VBS for a time while I do a friend's hair at my house. Whew!
I am not even asleep yet and I need to get up soon.
I finished reading the book Green by Ted Dekker today. Weirdest one out of the series. Lots to ponder. Would love to have a sit down conversation about the Bible and stuff with him.
oh well. gotta go
Lord, give me right words, words full of light and truth, love and salt-Use my mouth to proclaim You. Cleanse me of all filth and wasteful words, don't let me be afraid of silence!

No comments:

Post a Comment