Tuesday, February 8, 2011


Today I have felt so much worse than I can ever remember being during any other previous pregnancy, while eating I feel better and when I am asleep it is divine. It is only when I am upright that I struggle. Maybe I did feel this way before but I have blocked it out or completely forgotten it. I was thinking today how funny it is that I don't remember much of my pregnancies but about every detail of the delivery is etched onto my mind, in color. I can't believe how low I have been today. I thought I was beyond this. My hormones must be raging because it is like PMS on Steroids with a side of nausea and vomiting. I can't look into the mirror, I hate my new haircut and I can already see that this is going to be a butt pregnancy, my face seems giant and masculine, the lines from my nose to my chin look deeper and my mustache is thickening, I look around the house and all I want to do is declutter and clean. In other words, everything outside of me is a mess. I am worrying about my fear, afraid still to tell my Dad that I am expecting, trying to resist writing the drama in my mind about what he really thinks and what he will say. I am in the middle of training to be a Yogi and the last thing I feel like doing is Yoga. It is like I have perfectionism goggles on and am looking at everything through a fine tooth microscope. Therefore, nothing is good enough or okay.
So, after I took a snooze on the couch today I felt the incredible urge to go sit with my Father in my new prayer closet space. I grabbed my pen and poured out my heart, dumped it out, all my mess-because in these moments I am even offended by own lack of godly truth being said, so I have to dump quickly or else I will try to deny my own feelings and cover my hide. A cool thing happened in this process, I found out that I was missing the point again. God reminded me (again)that He is in control, my job is to do the work He gives me to do with gladness and gratitude and excellence but not to push beyond that.That what I like to do, "push!" Push me, push you, push it all. And what does God say? Rest. Receive. Rest. Receive, Do only what I lead you to.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

nice and queasy

So how am I doing? Am I;
eating only whole healthy food, sugar and wheat free, organic, fresh and oh so good for me?
I have started dealing with the inevitable waves of all day long morning sickness, the only time I feel good is when I am sleeping or when I am eating. I mean at the precise moment of consumption. Before and after I feel like I am on a boat, clinging to the rail in the middle of a storm.
Yesterday in the grocery store I was overwhelmed with the need and desire for something sweet, carbonated and deliciously cold. I opted for the Sierra Mist all natural with real cane sugar and no syrup or aspartame. I only drank 1/2 and gave the rest to my 3 yr old. It was so good.
I then had a small bowl of high protein pasta with meat sauce before heading to the mall for a girls night out. 5 little girls and me and another mom/friend. We window shopped for a while and eventually made our way to the food court. My intention all day had been to have a Blizzard, which i did. A Medium Georgia Pecan Fudge blizzard and I ate every bite. Yum. After we were done with our sweets, everyone wanted chicken nuggets and we also got Hummus with Pita. We feasted on Food Court food. I felt good until the end. I couldn't believe it when I came home last night and went to bed and actually felt hungry, I didn't think that was possible. I ignored it and slept very well.
So far today, I have only had a bowl of Ezekial Crunch with sliced banana, honey, cinnamon and whole organic milk. Coffee with stevia and cream too of course. My man is going out for a bit with a couple of the kids and I have already instructed him on bringing me back my favorite cookie in the whole world. Reese's Peanut butter cup cookie, mmm mmm good.
I only did Yoga once last week.
I plan to do it today, soon-
Lord knows that I am trying but I just don't know why it is so hard to eat healthy when I am pregnant.
I want this to be a maximized pregnancy and delivery. Today I need to write down my limiting beliefs about this and replace them with God beliefs.
That will make the difference, I know it.


This morning is foggy, wet and gray outside. Inside I am not these things. I am radiant, warm and thankful. Though I don't always see clearly, I see much more clearly what matters. The rest can be covered in fog and stay in the misty edges, I will not go after it.
It is only by the sheer movement of God in my life that I can be so grateful, full of peace and joy and love at a time in my life when others may think I should be miserable.
Our house is still swaying in a limbo between foreclosure and short sale. We may get to stay until August. My Husband is totally self employed, he has no choice,and is staying steadily occupied. His truck was repossessed in November, friends of ours stepped up very quickly to let him use their work truck(they won't need it until march)I was laid off from receiving what has been a generous addition of income from my dad for doing nothing except being his daughter, our federal assistance for food(food stamps)was reduced to 1/10 of what it has been, and I am pregnant with our 6th child due in September;-)
Yet, I rejoice.
We get to move, my husband gets to work for himself, thanks to the income tax return, he gets another truck soon, I still receive help from my Dad for health insurance, but way less help than before, we always have enough to eat, this pregnancy was completely unplanned and a total surprise but we are so Blessed to get to have yet another baby to raise.
I choose to believe that God is good, He is faithful and He uses the simple to confound the wise. Having the "perfect" life would be such a bore to me, I would probably sabotage anything that seemed right if He wasn't working so diligently on making me into someone different than I was. I don't want my success to run ahead of my character. These are hard times, but they are good times. Times of clarity. What really matters?
Hosea 6:3
"Let us acknowledge the LORD; let us press on to acknowledge him. As surely as the sun rises, he will appear; he will come to us like the winter rains, like the spring rains that water the earth."