Saturday, March 26, 2011


so many things that I would like to write about and everytime my keyboard beckons I am somehow unable to come to this place. Now, I am procrastinating and running late and I just have to write something before I go out into the world and get whatever it offers today.
Yesterday I vented to a dear friend of mine who understood my frustrations and confirmed my suspicions-there are some mean girls out there who just can't help but get under my skin by saying ugly things to me and about me or by refusing to talk to me at all, they look right through me and that really drives me crazy when I am trying to be nice to someone. The problem I am having is that these situations keep repeating themselves and I am the only common denominator, the faces and places change. It is like being reincarnated or more like Ground Hog Day but again with different faces and places. I will go into these specific characters and actions later on when I return in my next post before my head explodes.
Until then, I pray that today will be a different kind of day and that my response to the same old stuff will be fresh and new, motivated by the Holy Spirit. Thank you God that I have been set free and do not have to repeat my mistakes, help me to pass the tests before me today, grant me wisdom to respond with salt and light and love-
I love you

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Tempted by the fruit of another

The skinny B on the sidebar of my email server threatens to steal my peace and derail my joy. It is not her fault that I hate her and love her all the same. Her stick straight figure and muscle-less arms lull me like a siren to a sailor out to sea. Wait, I am not a sailor, I shouldn't be lured away by a beautiful woman, I am a happily married heterosexual mom approaching 40 and expecting my 6th child. How is this possible, that I would be wooed by beauty? The beauty of a woman.
Of course, my lust is not one that leads me to want to treat her like a man may want to. No, I want to be inside her, but not in the sexual way. I want to wear her skin, but not in the Silence of the Lambs way! I just want to look as good as she does, no- I want to believe that I can look better than she does. To stop traffic with my figure because it is so awesome and not be the one who is jealous and envious for a change, I want to invoke hatred for my beauty, while I just smile and laugh and accept all the gifts that are thrown at my feet. I don't want to be caught off guard by a wayward comment on how "huge my stomach is already, asked if I am sure it is not twins or coming much sooner" I want only good angles on my face and no deep wrinkles in my forehead. No marionette lines from laughter(such a terrible punishment for smiling) I want to struggle to gain weight and when everyone asks what I eat to stay in such slender shape I want to say," Whatever I want, whenever I want" The truth is, I will never be her.
If I click on her I will be carried away momentarily to drool over dresses I can not afford and beauty that I would never attain. I will never look like her. But this reality is hard to sink in. I would rather be deceived. Is that why I fall for it every time? How many of us can admit that we care about being more beautiful than everyone else? On the outside, for the whole world to see? I guess it is just another one of my weaknesses. This whole temptation and trial wilderness journey that I am on right now is bringing up some stuff that I thought was dead and buried.
I feel sensuality sticking to me like a wet coat. I keep it on because I am afraid I'll grow cold without it, I will be exposed and lightly dressed. I am afraid of being the opposite of a Victoria's Secret Model. I mean, I like Mrs. Doubtfire and greatly respect Jane Eyre, but I don't want to look like them.
Is is possible to be an ideal picture of what is considered beautiful on the outside and have a strong moral code and the rule of Christ on the inside? Can we have it all? Or does my desire for breast implants make me a harlot at heart? Even though I have been and will continue to be a faithful wife and mono-man lover forever.
Why am I still tempted by the flesh that I so long to be free of, my head knows better and I just know that there are you skinny B's out there who probably struggle to gain weight, and can't relate to any struggles with monogamy.
Here are some worldly quotes on temptation;
"I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it."- Mae West (1892 - 1980)

"The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it."-Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)

"Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch."-Robert Orben

This is the general attitude and take on temptation I gather that is the norm from our culture. To resist is to be a prude and to reveal it or confess it makes you a leper. What I see is that we accept the sensual lures that are laid out all around us as okay and invite them into our lives without thought of where they will lead us. We like the sweet siren song, we long to sleep rather then deal with the pain, the sickness and the death that come so early as a result of our promiscuity. We would rather die than say no.
I reveal these things about me to expose the plans of the enemy who knows me and my weaknesses. To bring into the light my shameful desires and seek to encourage you, if you are like me in any way. If you too struggle with jealousy, envy, lust and sensuality. It is not random, it is part of your downfall if you don't let it be revealed, confessed for what it is and inviting God's Strength into our weaknesses. I know it is not right for me to look at the women and men that God created in His image as my own personal meat market but I can't stop doing it on my own! It could be the end of me, if I try to do it alone.
The definition of Temptation as found on Blue Letter Bible(#3 stands out to me esp)

) an experiment, attempt, trial, proving

a) trial, proving: the trial made of you by my bodily condition, since condition served as to test the love of the Galatians toward Paul (Gal. 4:14)

b) the trial of man's fidelity, integrity, virtue, constancy

1) an enticement to sin, temptation, whether arising from the desires or from the outward circumstances

2) an internal temptation to sin

a) of the temptation by which the devil sought to divert Jesus the Messiah from his divine errand

3) of the condition of things, or a mental state, by which we are enticed to sin, or to a lapse from the faith and holiness

4) adversity, affliction, trouble: sent by God and serving to test or prove one's character, faith, holiness

c) temptation (i.e. trial) of God by men

1) rebellion against God, by which his power and justice are, as it were, put to the proof and challenged to show themselves

Lord, I see that there are many reasons for the allotment of temptation in my life. It proves to me who I am and reveals my need for a savior, a helper and fellowship with one or many who have suffered in the same way. I am sick. I need healing and wholeness in order not to be diverted from a life of faith and holiness, to not have a lapse into sin. Forgive me for my worry and self protection because I feel so hopeless a case. Keep me from the enemy, Keep the enemy away from me. Continue to reveal my habitual participation in the wrong stuff that leads to no good and help me to stay on the rails! A train with no track is a dangerous thing indeed.
I love you

Mat 6:13 "And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one.'
Mat 26:41 "Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the body is weak."
Luk 11:4 "Forgive us our sins, for we also forgive everyone who sins against us. And lead us not into temptation.' "
1Cr 10:13 "No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it."

Jam 1:13-16 "When tempted, no one should say, "God is tempting me." For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full‑grown, gives birth to death.Don't be deceived, my dear brothers."

Friday, March 18, 2011

My weaknesses

This week on one of my favorite teaching Pastor's T.V. broadcast, Joyce Meyer has been talking about temptation and how to resist it. I have relished every word and it has made me to pray and think more clearly about "knowing my self" I am very good at picking out the faults and weaknesses of others and then exploiting them to keep my self exalted. (a weakness? Indeed!)
So, let me pick on my self for now. As I began to pray about discovering, uncovering-I should say- my incidences of temptations that lead to sin. Sin being the end result of all behavior that leads ultimately to premature death. No, I don't struggle anymore with the oh so obvious stuff that ruled over my rebellious youth; drunkeness, carousing, debauchery, witchcraft, drug induced stupors, stealing merchandise, foul mouthed cursing and less than modest attire meant to draw attention to what I considered my greatest "assets" As a matter of fact, these days don't even seem like rebelliousness because I don't remember ever knowing that these things were not okay, not to the people I wanted to impress anyway. I knew that I was going against the grain of what is considered normal and average, I still do that. A non conforming attitude I guess.
Well, now that I have given up drugs, alcohol, stealing and sex outside of marriage, I suppose that all is well on my moral front. But wait! What is inside these walls proves to be more disturbing than the enemies that roam about the outside. My inward desires left unchecked remain the same; to escape from reality, be irresponsible, draw attention to myself, conform the world to me and my way of thinking, exalt my opinions above yours, demand service with a smile, be left alone when I want to be and have close friends who love me and want to be with me more than anyone else, to be approved of by everyone while not myself giving approval at all, I may not steal merchandise but I am tempted to steal the show. Laziness, procrastination, anger, jealousy, gossip, slander and good intentions that never amount to anything good.
It has been an interesting week as I have been called to attention in these moments of temptation, these pre-fall moments. Seriously, it is like I hear this little voice saying"Here it is! You are about to go in the wrong direction, are you sure this is the right way to go?"
Here is a sample of a situation I was drawn into with more speculation than usual this week... As the woman at the Deli used her gloved hands to grab my meat, slap it on the scale, after sighing loudly about my order and complaining to her co workers about her readiness to leave, as she used her gloved hand to rub her face(ewww!) and then when she went to hand me my order while trying to avoid my smile, she threw the meat onto the counter and missed, thus throwing it onto the floor. As she apologized lamely and said how tired she was while still avoiding my gaze and thrusting the package over the top more gently and as I considered every wrong, mean thing I thought of her that I wanted to say and wondered if I could disguise my anger with a "concern" while letting the manager know of her disgusting and inconsiderate behavior, while I considered her delicate fate and the power of life and death that lay in my hands at that moment...Oh, how hard it was to listen to that still small voice that cries"Grace and Mercy and Forgiveness" but I did! And I haven't even told a soul about that event until now-I can be such an elephant, refusing to forget even the smallest injustice and the enemy outside the gate need never to come in as long as I am in here with my selfish desires and self righteousness to keep me company. I just walked on, I finished my shopping and went about my day. I did not cry out or tattle on her. If you only could understand how hard it is for me to be quiet about things that bother me! If you only knew how easily I am bothered by everyone and everything! How I can ignore the big stuff and trip all over the small stuff all day long. Lord help me for I am weak!
Now that I know what tempts me I am called to pray-to avoid it at all costs and to pray to God to strengthen me, by no means is this something that I can fix on my own. My eyes have been opened, I am a bit less deceived about my own righteousness and ever so grateful for God who loves me just as I am.