Sunday, March 20, 2011

Tempted by the fruit of another

The skinny B on the sidebar of my email server threatens to steal my peace and derail my joy. It is not her fault that I hate her and love her all the same. Her stick straight figure and muscle-less arms lull me like a siren to a sailor out to sea. Wait, I am not a sailor, I shouldn't be lured away by a beautiful woman, I am a happily married heterosexual mom approaching 40 and expecting my 6th child. How is this possible, that I would be wooed by beauty? The beauty of a woman.
Of course, my lust is not one that leads me to want to treat her like a man may want to. No, I want to be inside her, but not in the sexual way. I want to wear her skin, but not in the Silence of the Lambs way! I just want to look as good as she does, no- I want to believe that I can look better than she does. To stop traffic with my figure because it is so awesome and not be the one who is jealous and envious for a change, I want to invoke hatred for my beauty, while I just smile and laugh and accept all the gifts that are thrown at my feet. I don't want to be caught off guard by a wayward comment on how "huge my stomach is already, asked if I am sure it is not twins or coming much sooner" I want only good angles on my face and no deep wrinkles in my forehead. No marionette lines from laughter(such a terrible punishment for smiling) I want to struggle to gain weight and when everyone asks what I eat to stay in such slender shape I want to say," Whatever I want, whenever I want" The truth is, I will never be her.
If I click on her I will be carried away momentarily to drool over dresses I can not afford and beauty that I would never attain. I will never look like her. But this reality is hard to sink in. I would rather be deceived. Is that why I fall for it every time? How many of us can admit that we care about being more beautiful than everyone else? On the outside, for the whole world to see? I guess it is just another one of my weaknesses. This whole temptation and trial wilderness journey that I am on right now is bringing up some stuff that I thought was dead and buried.
I feel sensuality sticking to me like a wet coat. I keep it on because I am afraid I'll grow cold without it, I will be exposed and lightly dressed. I am afraid of being the opposite of a Victoria's Secret Model. I mean, I like Mrs. Doubtfire and greatly respect Jane Eyre, but I don't want to look like them.
Is is possible to be an ideal picture of what is considered beautiful on the outside and have a strong moral code and the rule of Christ on the inside? Can we have it all? Or does my desire for breast implants make me a harlot at heart? Even though I have been and will continue to be a faithful wife and mono-man lover forever.
Why am I still tempted by the flesh that I so long to be free of, my head knows better and I just know that there are you skinny B's out there who probably struggle to gain weight, and can't relate to any struggles with monogamy.
Here are some worldly quotes on temptation;
"I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it."- Mae West (1892 - 1980)

"The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it."-Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)

"Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch."-Robert Orben

This is the general attitude and take on temptation I gather that is the norm from our culture. To resist is to be a prude and to reveal it or confess it makes you a leper. What I see is that we accept the sensual lures that are laid out all around us as okay and invite them into our lives without thought of where they will lead us. We like the sweet siren song, we long to sleep rather then deal with the pain, the sickness and the death that come so early as a result of our promiscuity. We would rather die than say no.
I reveal these things about me to expose the plans of the enemy who knows me and my weaknesses. To bring into the light my shameful desires and seek to encourage you, if you are like me in any way. If you too struggle with jealousy, envy, lust and sensuality. It is not random, it is part of your downfall if you don't let it be revealed, confessed for what it is and inviting God's Strength into our weaknesses. I know it is not right for me to look at the women and men that God created in His image as my own personal meat market but I can't stop doing it on my own! It could be the end of me, if I try to do it alone.
The definition of Temptation as found on Blue Letter Bible(#3 stands out to me esp)

) an experiment, attempt, trial, proving

a) trial, proving: the trial made of you by my bodily condition, since condition served as to test the love of the Galatians toward Paul (Gal. 4:14)

b) the trial of man's fidelity, integrity, virtue, constancy

1) an enticement to sin, temptation, whether arising from the desires or from the outward circumstances

2) an internal temptation to sin

a) of the temptation by which the devil sought to divert Jesus the Messiah from his divine errand

3) of the condition of things, or a mental state, by which we are enticed to sin, or to a lapse from the faith and holiness

4) adversity, affliction, trouble: sent by God and serving to test or prove one's character, faith, holiness

c) temptation (i.e. trial) of God by men

1) rebellion against God, by which his power and justice are, as it were, put to the proof and challenged to show themselves

Lord, I see that there are many reasons for the allotment of temptation in my life. It proves to me who I am and reveals my need for a savior, a helper and fellowship with one or many who have suffered in the same way. I am sick. I need healing and wholeness in order not to be diverted from a life of faith and holiness, to not have a lapse into sin. Forgive me for my worry and self protection because I feel so hopeless a case. Keep me from the enemy, Keep the enemy away from me. Continue to reveal my habitual participation in the wrong stuff that leads to no good and help me to stay on the rails! A train with no track is a dangerous thing indeed.
I love you

Mat 6:13 "And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one.'
Mat 26:41 "Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the body is weak."
Luk 11:4 "Forgive us our sins, for we also forgive everyone who sins against us. And lead us not into temptation.' "
1Cr 10:13 "No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it."

Jam 1:13-16 "When tempted, no one should say, "God is tempting me." For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full‑grown, gives birth to death.Don't be deceived, my dear brothers."

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