DENIAL

Crapping my pants because it is December 2nd and I have no gifts to give, no cards to send, no money to spend, no plans except survival. AGAIN. Talking to my husband yesterday in the car, I brought up this subject. Like, hey here we are again. It is time to participate and we can't. It has been like this every year since we have been together. Frankly I sick of it. What ensued was our usual money discussion where he says that mathematically speaking, we need to spend less than we make. then I hold my tongue, and find a more delicate way to say-"no shit Sherlock" but that is not all I say because-we live on less money than most and don't do what most do. My weakness in spending is insisting on healthy food. Because I think that it matters. I have learned how to do it on less and not all we do is great. But we get to eat well. And overall we are healthy. I say, let's make more. He says,"Go ahead" I am going to scream. BECAUSE here it is December again- and here we are with no gifts, no plans and no desire to change. at least not enough to try. Why? I want to change. I want to change I want to change I am always reading about God's ability to change us. I am impatient. I hate the process on days like today when I can't go get the tree I want and the tree stand I need and make our house look festive and cute. When I have to wonder why it seems like I am the only AWAKE person that is here. Am I denial or are you? What should I be denying exactly? According to some schools of thought...EVERYTHING. Because none of this here that I can see with my human eyes matters. It is an illusion and egocentric and not the truth but a house of lies. The real world lays beyond and within. And if that is true than why is this the best that I could come up with? What is wrong with my mind? I want more but I don't know of what. Maybe Love. I definitely want more love. I get ignorance. God Help Me.