Today I have felt so much worse than I can ever remember being during any other previous pregnancy, while eating I feel better and when I am asleep it is divine. It is only when I am upright that I struggle. Maybe I did feel this way before but I have blocked it out or completely forgotten it. I was thinking today how funny it is that I don't remember much of my pregnancies but about every detail of the delivery is etched onto my mind, in color. I can't believe how low I have been today. I thought I was beyond this. My hormones must be raging because it is like PMS on Steroids with a side of nausea and vomiting. I can't look into the mirror, I hate my new haircut and I can already see that this is going to be a butt pregnancy, my face seems giant and masculine, the lines from my nose to my chin look deeper and my mustache is thickening, I look around the house and all I want to do is declutter and clean. In other words, everything outside of me is a mess. I am worrying about my fear, afraid still to tell my Dad that I am expecting, trying to resist writing the drama in my mind about what he really thinks and what he will say. I am in the middle of training to be a Yogi and the last thing I feel like doing is Yoga. It is like I have perfectionism goggles on and am looking at everything through a fine tooth microscope. Therefore, nothing is good enough or okay.
So, after I took a snooze on the couch today I felt the incredible urge to go sit with my Father in my new prayer closet space. I grabbed my pen and poured out my heart, dumped it out, all my mess-because in these moments I am even offended by own lack of godly truth being said, so I have to dump quickly or else I will try to deny my own feelings and cover my hide. A cool thing happened in this process, I found out that I was missing the point again. God reminded me (again)that He is in control, my job is to do the work He gives me to do with gladness and gratitude and excellence but not to push beyond that.That what I like to do, "push!" Push me, push you, push it all. And what does God say? Rest. Receive. Rest. Receive, Do only what I lead you to.