Friday, June 18, 2010

What the?

Woke up around 2:40 am from a dead sleep that started around 11pm. I laid there in denial about the fact that I was wide awake and unable to find comfort. Until at last my mind began to race with worries about money, appointments, responsibilities
and the like. Then my stomach began to growl and I got up to get a glass of water, laid back down and moments later decided to get a piece of provolone. Turned on my light and began to read Green by Ted Dekker, then got up to have peanut butter and milk since my stomach was acting very hungry. I read until a little after 4, then prayed(which I should have done much sooner, and went back to sleep)Until about 8 am which is way too late for me to get up on a Friday morning when I am supposed to go get adjusted at 8:45 and head for the beach immediately after. I decided to skip the chiropractor and feel guilty because of the time slot I took and didn't use, they are way too accommodating as is. I woke up everyone, not hard since they were coming to anyhow, and rushed to the beach arriving there by 9:20. We got a parking spot, sunscreen on, purchased our ticket to park and headed down to the water. We have been to the beach every other day at least once, often coming back after 6 when parking is free. We played in the surf and sand for 2 hours then came home to eat lunch and relax. I coaxed my youngest into taking a nice 2 hour siesta. When I woke up we had to head to the bank and then stop by the store again. We decided on soup and croissants for dinner with brownies for dessert. The kids have been out back for a few minutes tossing the baseball in the drizzly rain. Now they are anticipating the completion of the brownies and asking to go do something else.
Lord, I feel so tired. Maury is going to be gone for probably another week and right now it is hard for me to explain how I feel about that. On one hand, this week has been nice without all the confusion and stress that he brings or else that happens when we are together. Today I lost my temper and gracious attitude because I specifically asked him to think up a plan to make sure that I wasn't stuck here at home with no cash waiting for the electric to be cut off while he was working and earning far away.I still had to bring it up yesterday as there had been no mention of any plan. Today he called first thing to tell me that money would be on the way and then I didn't hear back until after 4. That means that maybe it wouldn't be in there until monday which made me mad. I let him know, I found out that the money had been put into our savings and did go through but that didn't make me feel any better about the fact that he doesn't seem to think of me much. I miss our physical relationship, kind of. But the reality is that we share our bed with a 2 year old and never spend anytime away so it is kind of hard to have any hot and heavy action. I do not miss my 16 yr old who is always complaining and torn and trying to get something. He messed up again before he left and I am enjoying the lack of warfare. Our 11 yr old has health problems that involve epilepsy and causes a few delays developmentally. He has a terrible mean streak and loves to ponder blood and killing. I don't miss that. He picks fights regularly.

So, I am feeling a bit down today. It is a build up and a frustration. Frustration is a build up, I suppose. I am frustrated about;
lack of true Christian Fellowship with my local "friends" who are not so interested in the Lord as they are themselves.
The Church because it still forgets to focus on Jesus
My husband because he also does not seem to be interested in__________, (whatever)
Our financial inability, instability
As a wife and as a parent
Weeds and grass that won't grow slower
A weed eater that is too heavy and not working
my body, my face and my life
my desire to eat dessert all day everyday

God I know that I am being ungrateful and that all these things I have named are temporary and able to be changed. Thank you that you love me anyway. You never change.

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