Thursday, June 17, 2010

walkin on sunshine, ohohoh!

I woke up to that song in my head because I dreamt that I was singing it along with a band that Dylan was practicing with. I was singing along at the top of my lungs, yet when the song was over the lady who had sung it into the mic expressed that it was not her type of song and wondered if I would be interested in trying to sing it for them and I laughed and I declined. The story of my life when it comes to singing.
My husband swears I can't sing at all. My 16 year old says I'm okay. I really don't think I am that bad. I have always dreamt of singing. and flying.
My voice has become so much better than it was before. Maybe one day I will sing and it will be lovely.
My dream was about some ladies that were playing with Dylan that were not your typical "musical "type that one sees nowadays. These women were large and with short hair, they had grey hair! THey were wrinkled, dressed fancy but overall not attractive, especially to our youth culture. But they could sing and play instruments. I came to the conclusion in my dream that it was better to be not so attractive on the outside with true beauty springing forth from within, than to be a cute 16 year old with noting more to offer than a nice voice. You know that this was about Dylan and his shallow desires for "Jenny" (my new name for an old friend"
I want him to see that beauty is fleeting. Outward beauty is temporal. How well have I done with this one? Seeing as I have a father who loves to look 30 years younger and even marries that way, and all I have ever wanted to be was the most beautiful. Well, I haven't done this well. I have been shallow. I am.
When I woke up and laid there for a moment and pondered my dreams this morning, I turned over onto my side and felt my loose skin and fat, the fleshy ball of dough that hits the bed before everything else. Yuck! That is what I thought. How did this get here and when and how can I get rid of it? If I had the money and the time, I would have it cut off and made new. One good thing is that I have decided to quit worrying so much about how I may look and instead go deeper. Sure, I want to be beautiful, but not at the expense of extremes. I have tried to be better for so long. TO be thinner, leaner, stronger, sexier. To no avail. Just a lot of wasted time. Gravity is here. I am now 38, I have birthed and am raising 5 kids. I am amazing. My body bears testimony of all I have done and continue to do, but in the end-it will be gone, a pile of bones and maybe ash. What I do with it is more important than how it appears.
I want to be lovely. This may mean keeping certain parts of my body covered at times and some other parts covered all the time. I am okay with that! Do I want to be healthy? Strong? Flexible? Thinner? leaner? Oh hell ya! Is that more important than all the other stuff I want? Can I have it all?
The Lord, my savior Jesus Christ. What matters to him, matters to me. The outside is the outside, the inside is true. Lord, let me love you from the inside out.
When You chose me, you picked a mess. I may have thought that I was beautiful on the outside and I had all the right stuff. I knew the truth, that I was on a path of self destruction that meets the approval of our culture and this world. I was hurting and hunting and I was not going to stop hurting others until I found what I was looking for. Yet, you found me! You completed me. I am done. I like what you are doing to me. Thank you and never stop. love

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