It seems selfish and I have never done it quite this openly before. Today I have written down my ideas, my hearts desires for the kind of Thanksgiving and Christmas that I imagine. In my heart these desires abide.
I have been carrying them around,these wishes and wants for a long time and as the days near I find that I am heaping on additional values/standards and today after I read my devotionals,Bible etc.I decided that I needed to unload.
To some this may not seem like any big deal because you may be used to sticking to your desires and think nothing of following through. You may even do it without a moments hesitation, make it happen without a breakdown and enjoy the process. For me to articulate my dreams is a big deal. To capture and release is unheard of me, til now.
Probably what sparked the idea to even approach this was my devotional that told me to read about Abraham when he took his only son that was a result of a long awaited God promise to the altar of God to obey God and murder him as a sacrifice to God.(He didn't have to after all, God provided a ram instead. Whew!) Sounds really mean doesn't it? Well, the devotional writer asked me to ask God in prayer to surrender my dreams to him, to let go and trust Him with the desires that He has planted in my heart so that I am not clinging more to the dream than to God because if there is a dream that I have that is not part of His plan for my life than He will not Bless it and obviously I don't want to go alone trying to make something happen that is not for me. For a long time now, that kind of thinking has kept me from voicing my wants at all, because of my perfectionism problem. I don't even want to ask for something if it could be the wrong thing so I have given up on asking. Seriously.
Before I could out think myself, I grabbed my journal and wrote "I Want" at the top of the page and 4 pages later(yes, 4) I felt done for now. I started with my descriptions of what the Holidays would be like around here, then on to what gifts I want to give, the tools I want for my kitchen, my garden aspirations, my technical desires, career options-the list was like a big release of breath that I have been holding in for a year. It feels good to breathe in again.
After I finished(for now)I closed my book and the first thought that came after my breath of freedom was that I was selfish. Here I am making a list of what "I" want and it is mostly to do with "stuff" and atmospheres and well, me.Who do I think that I am laying out my wish list of demands?
Well, let me tell you, little voice that seeks to destroy me, who wants me to fail and forget that the God of the Universe who I believe loves me and is always with me, accepts me and understands me, who I claim knows everything about me, well He is not upset with me for spitting this all out! He already knew what was in my heart, I do not need to be afraid of myself. He is not afraid of me. So there.
Some of my wants have been laid out today. I do not lay them out as a bribe or a ransom or as absolutely anything than what they are. They were in and now they are out and I feel lighter.
I give them to you Lord, what do I need to do to bring them to pass? I know that You will guide me in. If they are not the kind of desires that You want to Bless because You know what is best for us, then I know I will figure that out because I can trust You to get my attention and speak to me as I listen to You. I vow to not be lazy or complacent or irresponsible and call it faith. I faithfully believe you want me to work, to work wisely and with love.
I think I see a lot more lists coming on...