Sunday, September 19, 2010


I called my mom on the way home from church this morning. After not knowing her for 27 years then reconnecting when I was 30-8 years now- one thing I have learned is that if I don't call her, she doesn't call me. It makes me mad sometimes but I have resigned to acceptance, so I just call her often. Lately, she has a new job and I have a terrible time reaching her. Today, she answered even though she was at work.
She told me that her Mom died 2 days ago(yes, my grandma that I never knew) Phyllis had spent the last 40 years in mental health facilities and finally assisted living.She developed some serious mental issues as a young woman, and even 6 kids didn't keep her from it. My mom has told me over and over again that the woman that has been living like that is not her Mom. That it is way too painful for her to visit. That her mom doesn't even know who she is,so she has not had a relationship with her for many years.
Even though I have only talked to her once on the phone myself, she did praise God and know who I was-I felt incredibly sad as my mom justified her reason for not attending the funeral which would be today. She had to work. And, she didn't want to see her Mom as she became but to remember her as she was.
Sad. I am sad and ashamed that this is my mom. How selfish and un-compassionate and ignorant of doing what is right versus what feels good, can one be?
And then I know that I am being un compassionate to my mom who is obviously full of hurt and needs completion.
Her biggest concern about her mom was whether or not her Mom was going to make it through the pearly gates or be cast into the burning lake. She voiced that concern to a regular customer whom she knows is a Believer and he responded by giving her 2 books, one by Max Lucado and one by Franklin Graham. Thank you stranger and brother!
I have nothing to say to her, I am often in this state when we "talk"
Lord forgive me for my lack of compassion and my refusal to reach out to know Phyllis when she lived. I pray she rests with You now.
I pray that my Mom's heart will be pricked and healed as she reads about You. I pray she would put You first.
Help me to forgive as I have been forgiven.

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