What the?

Woke up around 2:40 am from a dead sleep that started around 11pm. I laid there in denial about the fact that I was wide awake and unable to find comfort. Until at last my mind began to race with worries about money, appointments, responsibilities
and the like. Then my stomach began to growl and I got up to get a glass of water, laid back down and moments later decided to get a piece of provolone. Turned on my light and began to read Green by Ted Dekker, then got up to have peanut butter and milk since my stomach was acting very hungry. I read until a little after 4, then prayed(which I should have done much sooner, and went back to sleep)Until about 8 am which is way too late for me to get up on a Friday morning when I am supposed to go get adjusted at 8:45 and head for the beach immediately after. I decided to skip the chiropractor and feel guilty because of the time slot I took and didn't use, they are way too accommodating as is. I woke up everyone, not hard since they were coming to anyhow, and rushed to the beach arriving there by 9:20. We got a parking spot, sunscreen on, purchased our ticket to park and headed down to the water. We have been to the beach every other day at least once, often coming back after 6 when parking is free. We played in the surf and sand for 2 hours then came home to eat lunch and relax. I coaxed my youngest into taking a nice 2 hour siesta. When I woke up we had to head to the bank and then stop by the store again. We decided on soup and croissants for dinner with brownies for dessert. The kids have been out back for a few minutes tossing the baseball in the drizzly rain. Now they are anticipating the completion of the brownies and asking to go do something else.
Lord, I feel so tired. Maury is going to be gone for probably another week and right now it is hard for me to explain how I feel about that. On one hand, this week has been nice without all the confusion and stress that he brings or else that happens when we are together. Today I lost my temper and gracious attitude because I specifically asked him to think up a plan to make sure that I wasn't stuck here at home with no cash waiting for the electric to be cut off while he was working and earning far away.I still had to bring it up yesterday as there had been no mention of any plan. Today he called first thing to tell me that money would be on the way and then I didn't hear back until after 4. That means that maybe it wouldn't be in there until monday which made me mad. I let him know, I found out that the money had been put into our savings and did go through but that didn't make me feel any better about the fact that he doesn't seem to think of me much. I miss our physical relationship, kind of. But the reality is that we share our bed with a 2 year old and never spend anytime away so it is kind of hard to have any hot and heavy action. I do not miss my 16 yr old who is always complaining and torn and trying to get something. He messed up again before he left and I am enjoying the lack of warfare. Our 11 yr old has health problems that involve epilepsy and causes a few delays developmentally. He has a terrible mean streak and loves to ponder blood and killing. I don't miss that. He picks fights regularly.

So, I am feeling a bit down today. It is a build up and a frustration. Frustration is a build up, I suppose. I am frustrated about;
lack of true Christian Fellowship with my local "friends" who are not so interested in the Lord as they are themselves.
The Church because it still forgets to focus on Jesus
My husband because he also does not seem to be interested in__________, (whatever)
Our financial inability, instability
As a wife and as a parent
Weeds and grass that won't grow slower
A weed eater that is too heavy and not working
my body, my face and my life
my desire to eat dessert all day everyday
Cellulite

God I know that I am being ungrateful and that all these things I have named are temporary and able to be changed. Thank you that you love me anyway. You never change.

walkin on sunshine, ohohoh!

I woke up to that song in my head because I dreamt that I was singing it along with a band that Dylan was practicing with. I was singing along at the top of my lungs, yet when the song was over the lady who had sung it into the mic expressed that it was not her type of song and wondered if I would be interested in trying to sing it for them and I laughed and I declined. The story of my life when it comes to singing.
My husband swears I can't sing at all. My 16 year old says I'm okay. I really don't think I am that bad. I have always dreamt of singing. and flying.
My voice has become so much better than it was before. Maybe one day I will sing and it will be lovely.
My dream was about some ladies that were playing with Dylan that were not your typical "musical "type that one sees nowadays. These women were large and with short hair, they had grey hair! THey were wrinkled, dressed fancy but overall not attractive, especially to our youth culture. But they could sing and play instruments. I came to the conclusion in my dream that it was better to be not so attractive on the outside with true beauty springing forth from within, than to be a cute 16 year old with noting more to offer than a nice voice. You know that this was about Dylan and his shallow desires for "Jenny" (my new name for an old friend"
I want him to see that beauty is fleeting. Outward beauty is temporal. How well have I done with this one? Seeing as I have a father who loves to look 30 years younger and even marries that way, and all I have ever wanted to be was the most beautiful. Well, I haven't done this well. I have been shallow. I am.
When I woke up and laid there for a moment and pondered my dreams this morning, I turned over onto my side and felt my loose skin and fat, the fleshy ball of dough that hits the bed before everything else. Yuck! That is what I thought. How did this get here and when and how can I get rid of it? If I had the money and the time, I would have it cut off and made new. One good thing is that I have decided to quit worrying so much about how I may look and instead go deeper. Sure, I want to be beautiful, but not at the expense of extremes. I have tried to be better for so long. TO be thinner, leaner, stronger, sexier. To no avail. Just a lot of wasted time. Gravity is here. I am now 38, I have birthed and am raising 5 kids. I am amazing. My body bears testimony of all I have done and continue to do, but in the end-it will be gone, a pile of bones and maybe ash. What I do with it is more important than how it appears.
I want to be lovely. This may mean keeping certain parts of my body covered at times and some other parts covered all the time. I am okay with that! Do I want to be healthy? Strong? Flexible? Thinner? leaner? Oh hell ya! Is that more important than all the other stuff I want? Can I have it all?
Focus;
The Lord, my savior Jesus Christ. What matters to him, matters to me. The outside is the outside, the inside is true. Lord, let me love you from the inside out.
When You chose me, you picked a mess. I may have thought that I was beautiful on the outside and I had all the right stuff. I knew the truth, that I was on a path of self destruction that meets the approval of our culture and this world. I was hurting and hunting and I was not going to stop hurting others until I found what I was looking for. Yet, you found me! You completed me. I am done. I like what you are doing to me. Thank you and never stop. love

so long

Okay, so I found a check for I think almost 700 bucks while decluttering and reorganizing my files and bills. Praise God! I started a new and simpler system and decided that I am a crazy person who starts too many systems with extreme optimism and forgets that I did, then I neglect and confusion sets in and I procrastinate. AGHHH.
We cashed the check,it was almost a year old, we spent it promptly on necessities. I filled out the app for "food stamps" which I will now refer to as EBT, since it is a card like a debit and not "stamps" Maury took the app in and we are now the grateful if not proud recipients of a lot of money for food each month. Thank you Jesus.
I began to feel quite sick and suffered major digestive discomfort before I remembered why I quit this"healing diet" in the first place.So, I quit! I gave up and I realized that I have been serving a false idol of "Skinny" Skinny has promised to save me for many years, but really all she's done has been a lie. She is unable to save me, she is too thin! (haha) I put my foot down and picked up my fork.
I serve an amazing God who has Blessed me with an amazing body and wisdom to care for it accordingly. I love to cook and eat delicious foods. I don't need much at once, but variety is essential. Fresh is essential. Creative and seasonal is essential. I am currently enjoying the book, "French Women Don't Get Fat" the recipes and suggestions are wonderfully practical yet not average. Thank you French women everywhere. I am a student of your ways.
Yesterday, I made my own birthday cake to share with some friends who were pleasantly surprised at my actions. They forgot my day was near but were glad to partake in the eating. Afterward, I heard moans and groans about being over stuffed and too full. But I could honestly say that I was not guilty. I hadn't overeaten. After they left and I had another piece with ice cream at bedtime, well that was a bit more than I needed and my french sisters would not suggest this.
The call is to serve, and to have and to enjoy and to not be a glutton...to be grateful and creative and work hard. To enjoy the Lord and all His fullness-
that is what I aim to do.

Day-what? of the D-stuff

Okay, I have kinda been off track for a day or two. I decided to take Sunday off from decluttering and then found myself working on the laundry room and the jewelry boxes on top of my dresser. I have put us back on a more organized schedule and I have been taking myself off of junk email lists daily. One thing that has happened as I have cleared out some spaces is that the nasty dirt has been revealed. My sin room is now clutter free yet filthy upon close inspection which is now easier without all the stuff blocking the way.
SO, today...I would love to start going through the file cabinet and let go of the useless things I have kept and make room for what is necessary. I must be organized with the bills. Though right now it hardly seems important since we are so low on money that a budget is not going to matter. I want to prepare for times of prosperity now, so I will pursue a working system again.
I should also post some more stuff on Amazon and maybe Craig's list. Maybe take a look at E bay.
Lord, please help me continue to let go of the stuff that I don't need.
Thank you Jesus!

DAY 8

I can hardly believe the amount of 'stuff' I have released in the past week. Yesterday I was feeling overwhelmed in the process and couldn't see the progress. I have been pulling out everything, so my house is not it's usual bursting with clutter yet in the overall order that I keep it in. It will be this way for a while. And I have to deal with it.
I have taken so many bags to the new drop box that I found by Kohl's that I am afraid that someone is going to rush out from behind it and tell me to stop already. I have things to sell on Craig's list. Things to take to the upscale home furnishing consignment here in town called The Ivy Cottage. I have thrown out about as much as I have given away. I am returning items to friends that they lent me a long time ago. I have stuff for a yard sale and for Craig's list. I put my first item on Amazon yesterday and today I praised God because it has already sold!
Along with this stuff fling, I realize that I must be especially careful about my impulsive buying. Sunday at Church I decided to buy a book that looked sooooo good, it was $14 and though I don't have the extra money right now-I quickly over road that thought, that still small voice and bought it anyway. I realized my mistake on the way home when I remembered that I am already reading 2 books with a new one also given to me last week by a friend! I don't have time for a new book. I don't need a new book. I justified it by assuring myself that I could sell it on Amazon. After posting my first book I looked up how much my new book could sell for. $3.25
As punishment I am forcing myself to read it in its entirety as quickly as possible. I will sell it on Amazon, if only for a $1. I told my man and he promised to remind me never to impulsively buy a book again. To look on Amazon first. God remind me!
Today is a new day.
I plan to tackle my yarn. God help me.
Maybe I can sell it on E bay? maybe Amazon?
we will see.

day 4 of D-Stuff

Oh, how I wanted to Blog for the past 2 days and even I myself find it hard to believe that I could not find the time. I barely have time to sleep it seems.
I have gone through so much stuff and made a few give away trips to the drop box and to a friend with more children than me. I have a long way to go, before I become stuff free. It is a way of life I want to adapt to. So, I must allow myself time to process, I realize that just getting rid of the physical clutter on a big spree is like a crash diet. I have done this in the past as i mentioned before.
The Truth shall set me free. I know the truth, as much as I can right now. I am getting it! Possessions have the ability to possess the possessor.I have given in to this and lived most of my life worshiping at the throne of More is better. To live with the knowledge that we as humans have a very specific short list of essentials.To act on that knowledge. I have a choice. I am not controlled by lust. I have it, I may always have it. According to the Word of God, I am able to call on Him in my time of need(all the time) and He will provide for me. I do not have to strive and struggle to obtain and yet just because something is easy to obtain doesn't mean it is for me either. With the power of the cross of Christ,I can resist evil and the list of the flesh. "My chains are gone, I've been set free"
I don't want to become a superstitious Christian who is always peeking behind every door for the enemy. Yet, I am willing to sound a bit crazy by saying that I believe in the power of stuff(small p and s) as a false god it beckons me to bow down, to place it in prominence above the importance of the Truth and relationships. It gnaws away at my roots and binds me up in a pretty little pot. For example; I am in possession of about 5 Bibles that I don't like. Why do I keep them? because I want to appear studious. In my fantasy world, the world of imagery, I am a Bible scholar who relishes spending hours in Parables and original Greek definitions. This is not who I am at this time. If the Lord should choose to make me that in the future than He will provide a way and the Study tools I need.
Well, it is Saturday and I have an opportunity to go listen to my purses and hear what they are saying to me.
I also hope to go to the consignment shop today and put some stuff up for sale.
more later.

DAY ONE of D-STUFF

I got a new book. It is right on the money. The purchase of this new little book of mine is the final catalyst in my most desirable of habit. I desire to be free of stuff. Not entirely, I do require a minimum of comfort. I am a mother of 5 artistic, active, musically and physically inclined children and I homeschool. SO, I will always have stuff.
God has gently whispered to me of my false idol, "Stuffy" I am a pig when it comes to things. I love thrift shops and great deals and recycling crap. I am addicted to trying a create a certain persona based on appearance. I am done playing this game. I want out.
I am committed to D-Stuff everyday at least for the next 87 days including today. You see, I am also on day 3 of a 90 day fast from sugar and grains(esp wheat)I am trying a new training program known as "burst training". I will be spending less time on food and exercise-what better thing to do than to let go of some weight in my surrounding environment.
I have done all this before to some degree, but never with a time goal. I have been off and on the wagon many times. Somehow, this is different and I feel fresher. I have been praying a lot and consistantly seeking God and trying to follow the Spirit as it leads, maybe that is the difference. I have a desire to be who He created me to be and somehow all the "stuff" in my life has way too much power to define who I am. I want to have a clear path and calling, to see and hear Him, be near to Him and not spend my life feeling like a failure because my stuff doesn't measure up.
Today, I began by not checking out way too many library books, then not overspending at the Farmer's Market. I read my new book, then felt inspired to bag up all my extra workout shoes and the messages they send me. One pair reminds me that I spent money on shoes that I don't really like and another pair reminds me that they were a great deal but I don't like them either. Another pair was boasting of glory days when we used to work out so hard and long. I kept my old favorite pair and my new favorite p ir. I also threw out some great deal but beat flip flops, heels that won't stay on right and strappy black shoes that I spent 30 dollars on but never really loved.
I went through the sock drawer too, and even though there are several pairs of perfectly good socks in there, I hate them or have tired of them and don't need them, so they are going too.
I went through my vintage fur coats that I don't really want to wear again, a knock off designer coat that is not my style(a gift) a coat that a girl left at our house 4 years ago. 2 coats that a Korean exchange student left behind about 8 years ago. You see what I mean. I am committed to only keep the things I need and really love,NOW! Not things I have somehow acquired and might need someday.
Oh, how I long for an empty wall, well placed inspirational art that I have picked and to know where the thing I need is at.
I also went through the computer desk and 4 kitchen drawers. I know I won't be able to keep up this pace everyday, but here is to a roaring start.
My clothes are next. I want to narrow it down, more than I ever have before. I wonder if I could get by with the same 7 outfits?
Simplicity is what I long for.
I have a prediction.
By next week, someone will offer me hand me downs from their decluttering attempts, wait and see- some kind of Murphy's Law or something.