Nice morning, Thank You Lord.
I don't feel like doing anything today, just laying around, maybe eat then shower at some point. I am not depressed or anything,I just feel like being lazy.
But I won't be, not today.
Today is library day, meatloaf and mashed potatoes with gravy day and it is always time to clean the house and do the laundry day.And a school day. Apparently it is also the day of my toddler getting up way too early and not leave me alone day. Later on, it will turn into going on a date 1 and 1/2 hours to meet a guy from Norway that my man hasn't seen since high school(30 years ago)day. Oh yeah, the toddler will be attending.
Lord, help me rest in Your Presence today, no matter where I am or what I have to do.
This is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Monday, September 20, 2010
Hopeful
My faith is in God
where else can it rest?
Monday morning can bring the D word(disappointment)which actually tries to start creeping in sometime over the weekend when I realize that the weekend is going by and I still haven't done what I wanted to do,
my problem?
An unrealistic standard set about how much one can do in a day.
Our Church just started a new series about stewardship and we each received a book(full of blanks!) with a pen(to fill them in!).
We are to track our spending for the next 6 weeks and see how we are spending our money and then work towards a budget. There are several real life steps we are invited to take.
You know what scares me about all this?
Me
I am so forgetful about what I thought was important yesterday. Today, I am onto something new, which is most likely something old. I tend to rotate my solutions and blow them up regularly.
It is hard for me to stay on the straight and narrow. I can't do it as a matter of fact.
SO, as I get the nifty little book of blanks, this time-I check my spirit. Back to Jesus. I can participate, I can do my best but I can not force my husband to do it to my standard of excellence and truth be told, I am not even going to be able to reach that standard myself. GRACE
That's what I am talking about, I have to trust in the Lord and swim, maybe even backstroke in His Grace every moment of everyday. This is all going to work out for the best, and if we could get there on our own...why would we need Jesus?
Lord, please help me to keep my eyes, my heart my faith, rooted in and set on you. You are able. You make straight the crooked path and use the simple to confound the wise. You are a lamp to my feet and a light that leads the way. You speak to me and tell me which way to go. I am leaning not on my own comprehension, You are so not me.
You are a different being all together. Help me to never forget that.
You do the impossible everyday. You love me to the moon and back and I can never repay what you have done.
Open my eyes, my ears to hear-my heart to receive and my mind to grasp the depth and height, the strength of Your Love.
where else can it rest?
Monday morning can bring the D word(disappointment)which actually tries to start creeping in sometime over the weekend when I realize that the weekend is going by and I still haven't done what I wanted to do,
my problem?
An unrealistic standard set about how much one can do in a day.
Our Church just started a new series about stewardship and we each received a book(full of blanks!) with a pen(to fill them in!).
We are to track our spending for the next 6 weeks and see how we are spending our money and then work towards a budget. There are several real life steps we are invited to take.
You know what scares me about all this?
Me
I am so forgetful about what I thought was important yesterday. Today, I am onto something new, which is most likely something old. I tend to rotate my solutions and blow them up regularly.
It is hard for me to stay on the straight and narrow. I can't do it as a matter of fact.
SO, as I get the nifty little book of blanks, this time-I check my spirit. Back to Jesus. I can participate, I can do my best but I can not force my husband to do it to my standard of excellence and truth be told, I am not even going to be able to reach that standard myself. GRACE
That's what I am talking about, I have to trust in the Lord and swim, maybe even backstroke in His Grace every moment of everyday. This is all going to work out for the best, and if we could get there on our own...why would we need Jesus?
Lord, please help me to keep my eyes, my heart my faith, rooted in and set on you. You are able. You make straight the crooked path and use the simple to confound the wise. You are a lamp to my feet and a light that leads the way. You speak to me and tell me which way to go. I am leaning not on my own comprehension, You are so not me.
You are a different being all together. Help me to never forget that.
You do the impossible everyday. You love me to the moon and back and I can never repay what you have done.
Open my eyes, my ears to hear-my heart to receive and my mind to grasp the depth and height, the strength of Your Love.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
sad
I called my mom on the way home from church this morning. After not knowing her for 27 years then reconnecting when I was 30-8 years now- one thing I have learned is that if I don't call her, she doesn't call me. It makes me mad sometimes but I have resigned to acceptance, so I just call her often. Lately, she has a new job and I have a terrible time reaching her. Today, she answered even though she was at work.
She told me that her Mom died 2 days ago(yes, my grandma that I never knew) Phyllis had spent the last 40 years in mental health facilities and finally assisted living.She developed some serious mental issues as a young woman, and even 6 kids didn't keep her from it. My mom has told me over and over again that the woman that has been living like that is not her Mom. That it is way too painful for her to visit. That her mom doesn't even know who she is,so she has not had a relationship with her for many years.
Even though I have only talked to her once on the phone myself, she did praise God and know who I was-I felt incredibly sad as my mom justified her reason for not attending the funeral which would be today. She had to work. And, she didn't want to see her Mom as she became but to remember her as she was.
Sad. I am sad and ashamed that this is my mom. How selfish and un-compassionate and ignorant of doing what is right versus what feels good, can one be?
And then I know that I am being un compassionate to my mom who is obviously full of hurt and needs completion.
Her biggest concern about her mom was whether or not her Mom was going to make it through the pearly gates or be cast into the burning lake. She voiced that concern to a regular customer whom she knows is a Believer and he responded by giving her 2 books, one by Max Lucado and one by Franklin Graham. Thank you stranger and brother!
I have nothing to say to her, I am often in this state when we "talk"
Lord forgive me for my lack of compassion and my refusal to reach out to know Phyllis when she lived. I pray she rests with You now.
I pray that my Mom's heart will be pricked and healed as she reads about You. I pray she would put You first.
Help me to forgive as I have been forgiven.
She told me that her Mom died 2 days ago(yes, my grandma that I never knew) Phyllis had spent the last 40 years in mental health facilities and finally assisted living.She developed some serious mental issues as a young woman, and even 6 kids didn't keep her from it. My mom has told me over and over again that the woman that has been living like that is not her Mom. That it is way too painful for her to visit. That her mom doesn't even know who she is,so she has not had a relationship with her for many years.
Even though I have only talked to her once on the phone myself, she did praise God and know who I was-I felt incredibly sad as my mom justified her reason for not attending the funeral which would be today. She had to work. And, she didn't want to see her Mom as she became but to remember her as she was.
Sad. I am sad and ashamed that this is my mom. How selfish and un-compassionate and ignorant of doing what is right versus what feels good, can one be?
And then I know that I am being un compassionate to my mom who is obviously full of hurt and needs completion.
Her biggest concern about her mom was whether or not her Mom was going to make it through the pearly gates or be cast into the burning lake. She voiced that concern to a regular customer whom she knows is a Believer and he responded by giving her 2 books, one by Max Lucado and one by Franklin Graham. Thank you stranger and brother!
I have nothing to say to her, I am often in this state when we "talk"
Lord forgive me for my lack of compassion and my refusal to reach out to know Phyllis when she lived. I pray she rests with You now.
I pray that my Mom's heart will be pricked and healed as she reads about You. I pray she would put You first.
Help me to forgive as I have been forgiven.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
learning curve
Thank you God, for grading me on a great big curve
For being so patient with my obstinance and big ideas of how to be better.
So the question I feel that I need to ask myself each and everyday is;
What if nothing ever changed?
What if I never wear a single digit size of pants ever again(this side of eternity)
What if we are always just barely getting by on our income
What if I never change for the better
What if I forget to pray
What if I ask for the wrong things
What if someone I know lives in sin
What if I live in sin
What if everything gets worse
What if I can't do anything to stop the worse from happening
What if Church is always somehow not right
What if I forget to be good
What if we always sleep in
What if we eat the wrong food
What if nobody likes me
What if nobody likes us
What if nobody cares
What if I say the wrong thing
What if God isn't who I think He is
What if, what if? What if....
Matthew 12;22-48
As I have really thought and prayed a lot lately about my long list of shortcomings and failures, it all really came full force when I read a blog about striving.
Why do I embrace striving?
Again, there is a balance-to not strive does not mean to not try, it means to not try harder.
in other words,"enough is enough already"
I get so caught up in what I want and what I think, I don't give God any room to move in me, or rather I resist His movement in me. The path becomes blocked with sticks and stones and stumps and trash. Disappointment, un-forgiveness, bitterness, anger, control.
The only way to clear this path?
Sit down, shut up and listen- "STOP!"
Wait on the Lord.
I get so caught up in trying to pick my way through the junk and clear my own path that I fail to notice that I am exhausted and I am not getting anywhere. Then, the LORD in His mercy, grabs me up and sets me down, again.
I am listening now, LORD.
So He says,"Remember who I am, what I can do, my capabilities, I am fierce and mighty, Holy and not like you, I am the Only One who can do what I do and oh yeah, I love you. Just like you are...still. So be still and know that I am God. Live like you believe Me. It is not me who is impatient, I have plans and I will see them through. I don't need your help, you get to help-Strive not to please even yourself, let go and let life happen. Deny yourself daily,take up your cross daily and follow me daily. I've got the whole world in My Hand. That includes you, I created you and I chose you for such a time as this. I will not fail.I love you."
For being so patient with my obstinance and big ideas of how to be better.
So the question I feel that I need to ask myself each and everyday is;
What if nothing ever changed?
What if I never wear a single digit size of pants ever again(this side of eternity)
What if we are always just barely getting by on our income
What if I never change for the better
What if I forget to pray
What if I ask for the wrong things
What if someone I know lives in sin
What if I live in sin
What if everything gets worse
What if I can't do anything to stop the worse from happening
What if Church is always somehow not right
What if I forget to be good
What if we always sleep in
What if we eat the wrong food
What if nobody likes me
What if nobody likes us
What if nobody cares
What if I say the wrong thing
What if God isn't who I think He is
What if, what if? What if....
Matthew 12;22-48
As I have really thought and prayed a lot lately about my long list of shortcomings and failures, it all really came full force when I read a blog about striving.
Why do I embrace striving?
Again, there is a balance-to not strive does not mean to not try, it means to not try harder.
in other words,"enough is enough already"
I get so caught up in what I want and what I think, I don't give God any room to move in me, or rather I resist His movement in me. The path becomes blocked with sticks and stones and stumps and trash. Disappointment, un-forgiveness, bitterness, anger, control.
The only way to clear this path?
Sit down, shut up and listen- "STOP!"
Wait on the Lord.
I get so caught up in trying to pick my way through the junk and clear my own path that I fail to notice that I am exhausted and I am not getting anywhere. Then, the LORD in His mercy, grabs me up and sets me down, again.
I am listening now, LORD.
So He says,"Remember who I am, what I can do, my capabilities, I am fierce and mighty, Holy and not like you, I am the Only One who can do what I do and oh yeah, I love you. Just like you are...still. So be still and know that I am God. Live like you believe Me. It is not me who is impatient, I have plans and I will see them through. I don't need your help, you get to help-Strive not to please even yourself, let go and let life happen. Deny yourself daily,take up your cross daily and follow me daily. I've got the whole world in My Hand. That includes you, I created you and I chose you for such a time as this. I will not fail.I love you."
redhead
I felt it in my bones, why? I am not sure-why...all I want to do is create and craft and play in paint. I have been gathering my thoughts and they have been plentiful, I am resisting the urge to buy more stuff and be resourceful-that always leads to the best art in my opinion anyways.
I have been knitting, coloring, sewing and cooking-
I have a bunch of ideas of what is next, paintings that need to happen, beads to make, cards to create, letters to write, BUT FIRST;
I had to color my hair!
Very, very red. My hair is to the small of my back now with shorter layers around the front and long side bangs, so coloring it is quite the process. Good thing I am a professional! So after 2 lovely long hours at the beach enjoying drinking in every single moment, I stopped off at the beauty supply and made my buy. Reddest copper red and red brown with a little red orange. and by 6:00 o clock Friday night, my hair was hot.
I am really enjoying the change. It won't be permanent, I love to rotate between brown, almost black and red-I just can't seem to leave it alone.
Thank God this is an option for me.
Right now, I am shirking housework-my toddler is still in a t-shirt and a diaper, we have already partaken of the birthday monkey bread(thanks Paula Dean)and too much coffee. This is Maury's birthday weekend- I will be making a cake and chili today too. Teenage son is away at a weekend retreat. There are so many things I want to do with this time. Mainly, I want to savor and enjoy every moment of it.
I am going to write another blog right now about what I think I have learned from God this week-it just wouldn't go well with this casual account of my desire to create.
I have been knitting, coloring, sewing and cooking-
I have a bunch of ideas of what is next, paintings that need to happen, beads to make, cards to create, letters to write, BUT FIRST;
I had to color my hair!
Very, very red. My hair is to the small of my back now with shorter layers around the front and long side bangs, so coloring it is quite the process. Good thing I am a professional! So after 2 lovely long hours at the beach enjoying drinking in every single moment, I stopped off at the beauty supply and made my buy. Reddest copper red and red brown with a little red orange. and by 6:00 o clock Friday night, my hair was hot.
I am really enjoying the change. It won't be permanent, I love to rotate between brown, almost black and red-I just can't seem to leave it alone.
Thank God this is an option for me.
Right now, I am shirking housework-my toddler is still in a t-shirt and a diaper, we have already partaken of the birthday monkey bread(thanks Paula Dean)and too much coffee. This is Maury's birthday weekend- I will be making a cake and chili today too. Teenage son is away at a weekend retreat. There are so many things I want to do with this time. Mainly, I want to savor and enjoy every moment of it.
I am going to write another blog right now about what I think I have learned from God this week-it just wouldn't go well with this casual account of my desire to create.
Friday, September 17, 2010
Relieved
Well, He has done it again...God has relieved me of my job as the one who thinks she knows everything and can do it all if she just tries harder.
I am now accepting Grace, thank you Jesus.
Why do I forget?
Why does everyone else have a cross to bear that looks so much smaller and prettier than mine?
What do I want?
The joy of the LORD to be my strength.
and like a grape as hard as a marble, I shoot out across the horizon and try to avoid being pressed down and squeezed.
I recant-
a few blogs ago and i think that I may have deleted it later, I went on a rant about how much I hated the first woman's ministry event that our church put on. Because it was about acceptance and love and being a bride, blah, blah, blah--also insert beautiful artsy girl(not me)reading awesome poetry and I sat there jealous, because I can be beautiful, artsy and poetic, right?
I sat there and thought to myself,"I hope that someone else is getting this, because I don't need it." I was so blind to my own need for acceptance, which I am now accepting.
God is so gentle and thorough in His discipline process. Like a loving Father.
I am resting in His Grace, I am willing to be pressed.
I am now accepting Grace, thank you Jesus.
Why do I forget?
Why does everyone else have a cross to bear that looks so much smaller and prettier than mine?
What do I want?
The joy of the LORD to be my strength.
and like a grape as hard as a marble, I shoot out across the horizon and try to avoid being pressed down and squeezed.
I recant-
a few blogs ago and i think that I may have deleted it later, I went on a rant about how much I hated the first woman's ministry event that our church put on. Because it was about acceptance and love and being a bride, blah, blah, blah--also insert beautiful artsy girl(not me)reading awesome poetry and I sat there jealous, because I can be beautiful, artsy and poetic, right?
I sat there and thought to myself,"I hope that someone else is getting this, because I don't need it." I was so blind to my own need for acceptance, which I am now accepting.
God is so gentle and thorough in His discipline process. Like a loving Father.
I am resting in His Grace, I am willing to be pressed.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
okay
I am not okay, so don't ask. OK?
Why is it easier to read about other people suffering in silence through Nazi concentration camp and be inspired and even believe that they did, that God Blessed them abundantly for it and that somehow I may even be able to do the same, then for me to suffer my self inflicted sorrows for a day?
We are on the verge of foreclosing on our home, serious surgery for our almost 12 year old and a whole slew of daily inconveniences. Can I find a way to shut up and suffer? Can I please trade in my long list of disappointments(that grow by the h
I am looking for you Lord- I am in my private place of wilderness. Please hear my prayers, I am repenting of unforgiveness, unclean thoughts and cruel words.
My last dream before waking was me going from here to there with varying groups of people in different environments and asking everyone,"Where's Gerard?"
Gerard who? Butler of course.
How dumb! I don't know him, but I have fallen for his image of a fierce protector(SPARTA!!)hopeless Scottish romantic husband that dies young(P.S.I love you) and sexy bounty hunting ex husband who screws up a lot(The Bounty Hunter)
In my dream, I felt dumb for asking because I knew that he was coming, so I would laugh nervously every time I would ask where he was. I just couldn't wait.
maybe "Gerard" is my subconscious name for the Lord! Sorry if I have offended you Lord.
Save me Lord and I will be saved.
Why is it easier to read about other people suffering in silence through Nazi concentration camp and be inspired and even believe that they did, that God Blessed them abundantly for it and that somehow I may even be able to do the same, then for me to suffer my self inflicted sorrows for a day?
We are on the verge of foreclosing on our home, serious surgery for our almost 12 year old and a whole slew of daily inconveniences. Can I find a way to shut up and suffer? Can I please trade in my long list of disappointments(that grow by the h
I am looking for you Lord- I am in my private place of wilderness. Please hear my prayers, I am repenting of unforgiveness, unclean thoughts and cruel words.
My last dream before waking was me going from here to there with varying groups of people in different environments and asking everyone,"Where's Gerard?"
Gerard who? Butler of course.
How dumb! I don't know him, but I have fallen for his image of a fierce protector(SPARTA!!)hopeless Scottish romantic husband that dies young(P.S.I love you) and sexy bounty hunting ex husband who screws up a lot(The Bounty Hunter)
In my dream, I felt dumb for asking because I knew that he was coming, so I would laugh nervously every time I would ask where he was. I just couldn't wait.
maybe "Gerard" is my subconscious name for the Lord! Sorry if I have offended you Lord.
Save me Lord and I will be saved.
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