Saturday, November 17, 2012

It's been a while...

I am stuck. To be or not is one of many questions I have. To start a new blog or re go with this one. I almost started off this post with a little bit of cussing but I have refrained for the moment. Ever heard the song,"99 Problems" well that is how I feel today. Although the chorus does say, " 99 problems but a bitch ain't one" and I think the whole premise is that the one singing this song is so amazing that he may be dealing with all kinds of stuff in his life but having a good woman on his arm is not a problem for him. COOL. Well, obviously I don't have a good woman to sing about, so perhaps for me the chorus would be more like,"99 problems and I feel like a bitch, you would too if you were me" not very catchy, is it? I decided to give up caffeinated coffee this week and I don't know if the whole world really has turned upside down or if feeling completely overwhelmed is part of my withdrawal. It seems that I am up and down and all around on any given day. I actually like the ups and all arounds it is the down and all around that I would like to say adios to forever. ANYHOW< It is weird to be a city girl that lives in the country. I took 5 of my kids to the rural Wal Mart today, 4 of them could spend money. The two boys had to get Red Rider BB guns, we went straight to the gun/hunting section. There was a boy about the same age also looking around at various stuff with an older looking man that I assumed to be his grandpa. The boy looked indigenous to the area with a buzz cut and about 20 lbs. more weight on him than necessary. The man was smiling nearly the whole time, he asked me how many and how old they were. He commented on us in a positive way and commended me for bringing them out. He then told me that he had 11 and that this boy was his 10th. I found myself commenting on his smile and assuming that he could smile because they probably had lots of money. Funny thing was that they had 2 or 3 small items in their cart- The boy looked at the guns but didn't get one today. Why were they happy? That's my issue. I know better.I struggle with more than an addiction to caffeine, I struggle with the illusion that more money would make me more happy. Right in the midst of thanksgiving and I am back on my face doing the hard Hallelujah! Thank you God, we have enough. Always! Joy doesn't come from the abundance of possessions or the anticipation of acquiring more stuff. It doesn't come from the outside in. Lord, help me remember. You are my unlimited source of joy. Peace and beauty, Love divine- it is in you. It is not in the resolving of my problems that I will find peace and freedom-but in the midst of the storm it is knowing that the one who designed it, also designed me and rides it out, calms it down and be with me. Thank you

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