down

been feeling down. I keep hoping that I will get enough sleep and wake up feeling like doing life again. It has been almost 2 weeks since I quit all sugar and sweetners(except for stevia)and all grain products. Though I did splurge on Blue Corn chip nachos and a few carob covered almonds and a few chocolate covered espresso beans when we were in the mountains. If you know me than you know that it is a breakthrough for me not to have more than a few of anything sweet! I really felt the detox of it on the 3rd and 4th days and then I felt great, now I am breaking out and exhausted again. And I have been such a _______!
There is that little voice that reminds me that my expectations are a bit high after all. I tend to run full throttle until I hit the wall, that is just me. I am reading George Mueller's autobiography again and can see that he is the same, with an illness that comes on every so often and puts him in a literal place of submission and provides a way for him to write. I know I am not the only one who requires this kind of boundary.
I am bummed out about Church again. Feeling out of place and wondering where to go. I have been serving on Sunday's in our preschool department for a few monthes now, I like to do it a lot. I have been missing the services though, because they never did that much for me anyway, and we are having a hard time figuring out when to go. It just doesn't seem like a day of rest when we have to run around from here to there and get home way too late.
My kids started Awanas at a very large, very established Southern Baptist Church up the road. Last night was their second time. They love it. There is even a class for Ramone, he is a Puggle and has a cute little t shirt and tiny backpack. On our first night I mentioned to the lady at the sign in table that he would probably not do so well by himself. She invited me to stay and asked if I wanted to volunteer for that class. I had said as much on our registration sheet yet had no reply,so I was excited to be invited and said,"Yes!"
I did not say yes out of obligation or guilt or because I can't say no. Though maybe that is why I have said yes in the early years of attending church and I ended up burnt out fast! I learned my lesson. It took 10 years.
I was given a t shirt and welcomed into the room, well-sort of. The other ladies there to serve didn't seem impressed or excited to see me. They have yet to ask me anything about myself or talk to me much at all. I look directly at their faces and I smile, I get a,"What?!" look back. The only thing that they did say to me the first week was that it would be different next time, there would be order and more of a plan because all we did was put out toddler fires and try to keep the peace while holding 2 or 3 kids that cried for 2 hours. It was no different this week.
I didn't feel like going yesterday, I was tired and sick feeling, but my kids were excited. Ramone, after he was shirted and backpacked up, insisted that I put on my shirt so we could go. I did and we went. After dropping off the older ones, I went with Ramone to our class. I was the first one there and was met with the head lady saying,"Oh here's Juliet, can you take Tatum?" Then I was handed the "la petite crier" and thus began another 2 hours of winging it that ended with a,"Thanks, see you next week."
I am wondering if this is some kind of initiation,like hell night at the Citadel or the 6 weeks that they make the freshman go without food for their stomachs, just torture and mean words to feast on.
I will go back, I will be praying much more and I will be looking for the Lord in all this.
I am currently reading a book about orphans while following a blog about people visiting and caring for poor children in Guatemala and I am trying to figure out how to see Jesus in an American child who looks adorable in her "matchy, matched homemade clothes, with headband to boot who is screaming in my face non stop" or the littlest girl there who wouldn't stop hitting other kids over the head and shoving them down, or the other volunteers who look so burnt out I can almost smell the smoke rising from the ashes. Jesus, are you there?
I like the traditional Church though, which is funny since the one we go to is deliberately non-traditional, which is probably why I long for tradition. I was telling my husband that I just want to hear more Scripture and Biblical History, not so much personal stories in sermons or underhanded recommendations and insinuations about our lives and the choices we make that would indicate to the pastor within 5 minutes who we are and what we need,(so they think)
I am studying up a lot on the Jewish Religion and teaching our kids about the Holidays and looking for Jesus in all that. There is a local messianic Jewish congregation and we also know some people who observe the Sabbath and the Holy Days, so we may get to learn some of this stuff first hand. Though I am fearful of becoming weird and religious, but I am so hungry for more. Church just feels...irreverent?
We watched the movie Date Night and though it was a silly comedy with an unrealistic plot it did speak some truth about what happens in our over busy lives in marriage. We become"excellent roommates" Not exactly what we think will happen, but it do.
I am wondering what we can do to avoid that rut or to get out of the one we are in.
Being on the verge of financial ruin and preparing for your almost 12 year old to have brain surgery next month while dealing with an unhappy 16 year old who blames you for his unhappiness and a almost 3 year old who goes non stop am to pm, does not make this any easier. We have our hurtles.
Lord,we are dealing with some stuff-Please help!
When I read the final line of Psalm 139 this morning that says,
"see if there is any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting"
I want to laugh and cry. I only feel offensive-as Tina Fey's character in Date Night said at one point,"Do you think that I can't hear myself? I don't like being such a _____!"
I know that my way is offensive in me. No testing required, my faith is small and my desire is big.
Lord, lead me in the way everlasting.