sick

Sick of this____________!!!
Today started with a way too early rise and shine from my toddler around 6:30 am.
It continued with an email from a loved one who is generously going to bail us out of our foreclosure asking me what would change in our lives after the rescue. What are we going to do differently to keep ourselves from homelessness?(NEXT month) Great question.
I have been researching my own dreams and talking a lot to my husband about his. See, the problem is that we have never had one. Not even one, especially one together. 17 years of marriage and no vision for the future, we have been living on the edge for far too long. Putting out fires with gasoline.
After throwing around some lifestyle change ideas and thinking that we were on the right track, I called the generous one and told of our so called plans. What came next, me crying a lot as I listened to the truth about how we have always, ALWAYS, always had money problems, that I don't have to live like this and that my husband is primarily responsible for not providing or protecting or maintaining good relationships with the generous one. I listened and I accepted and I agreed, how can I argue, we have been idiots and it shows.I hung up. Crushed. Squeezed and now on the very edge.
I have no idea how to turn our lives around. I have lots of ideas of what we should do. I have 5 kids and no help in raising them. Did I mention that yesterday was a long day of driving and waiting and driving some more. Stitches out from brain surgery that 12 year old had 2 weeks ago.Unhappy, whiney, screaming and crying kids, Mom coming down with most recent virus to come our way. I came home and collapsed and today I awoke to be crushed.
My head feels like a melon and I have no appetite.
Dreams? Oh yeah, I've got em.