Last night we(- the oldest son) went to attend the year end celebration/awards night for a church program that 2 of our children have attended for the last 2 years. It runs on Wednesday nights along with the traditional school year. Each age group is encouraged to memorize scripture,lots of scripture. They receive incentives like candy, prizes, patches, plaques etc. At the program last night, the leader of it all took the time to keep reiterating how every week these kids were "hearing the gospel" and she kept pointing out how many verses they learned and how that was beneficial and life changing. They had someone come up and share about money that the club had given to them to distribute in Africa, and how they use a soccer ball to tell the Gospel.
Now lately some of my thoughts on what is beneficial in our lives as individuals and as a family have come to a full head. I have been working diligently on our schedule for summer, fully anticipating the approach of the fall(school)
I myself have been seeking the Lord continually, intimately, daily-in every detail of my life. He is so sweet, I just want more. He's led me to a place of seeking order, prioritizing, setting standards and evaluating where we are at. It is a not my nature to live like that, I prefer chaos and being carried by the wind or else, in the past, I make such a strict standard that is so far off from where we are, usually based on somebody elses life, then get mad when I fail. This time-it is Christ first. How can we honor God with our lives? The time that He has graciously given us to use for His Glory, are we going to be caught off guard when Christ comes for us?
With that said, it has led to me questioning our current activities. Are they necessary? For what purpose and to what kingdom do they lead?
After all the awards were passed out, we were called to ice cream and socializing then on the way home I decided to ask the kids a question.
me, "What is the Gospel?"
them,"What?!"
Maury, frustrated,"Try wording it a different way.."
Me to him,"That is the term that the leader used, so they should know what I mean"
Him, "True."
Me,"So what is the Gospel"
Them,whispering, then,"don't know"
Us,"wow."
Our children have been in Church since they were born. For the past two years they have been at a traditional, southern style, established Church and attended VBS, Sunday School, Awanas, etc etc
We also have Home Schooled with Christian Curriculum and done devotions and Bible reading for years,
Is it that they don't have "ears to hear"? or is it that even the Church is permeated with too much busyness and distraction that no one is sure what the Truth of Jesus is anymore?
Is it both?
This breaks my heart and blows my mind.
It is the beginning of a new way of praying and living for us-
Thank you God
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
God loves
Isn't it ironic that the idea that I am a "special case, unique and different than everyone else" will keep me from doing what God and science have already proven works and I will continue to seek an alternative to the Truth-plain and simple.
The Irony is that God calls us to celebrate our uniqueness by joining together and to quit bending the truth to bow down to us and our self centered demands.
The problem with the first line of thought that the rules don't apply to me because I am so special is that I am deceived and don't really understand how special I really am! Keeping the rules because they work is different than breaking them to prove that they can't rule over me! The rules do rule, like it or not!
God has been effusive and patient with me while I refuse to do things the way He says works. I am humbled by His Grace. There is nothing in His Word that is not true, try to find an option-I dare you.
We love Him because He first loved us-
That's right, until you and I can grasp that we don't contribute to the "why" He chose us and loves us, we can't love Him or anyone back. We are stuck in a place of pride when we somehow believe that we are directing the world around us and trying to point His love towards us by virtue of how awesome and right we are. His light is on us all along, He is watching and loving and I wonder if any of my children acted in such a way what I would think of them?
I do know what it is like to be trying to lead your child in doing what is good and right, even though they can't see it and they then accuse me of selfishness and lack of love for them, because of my attention for them!
He gives us guidelines for our own good, not His.
He loves us first, we love Him back.
When once and for all again and again we remember that HE LOVES US-
Is there anything I wouldn't do for His Love? Not to earn it, but in response to it?
How far am I willing to go, how deep is it anyway? What keeps me from stepping off into it>What am I afraid of?
1 John 4:19
"We love because he first loved us."
"4 But[c] God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, 5 even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved—" Ephesians 2:4-6
"may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ," Ephesians 3:18
The Irony is that God calls us to celebrate our uniqueness by joining together and to quit bending the truth to bow down to us and our self centered demands.
The problem with the first line of thought that the rules don't apply to me because I am so special is that I am deceived and don't really understand how special I really am! Keeping the rules because they work is different than breaking them to prove that they can't rule over me! The rules do rule, like it or not!
God has been effusive and patient with me while I refuse to do things the way He says works. I am humbled by His Grace. There is nothing in His Word that is not true, try to find an option-I dare you.
We love Him because He first loved us-
That's right, until you and I can grasp that we don't contribute to the "why" He chose us and loves us, we can't love Him or anyone back. We are stuck in a place of pride when we somehow believe that we are directing the world around us and trying to point His love towards us by virtue of how awesome and right we are. His light is on us all along, He is watching and loving and I wonder if any of my children acted in such a way what I would think of them?
I do know what it is like to be trying to lead your child in doing what is good and right, even though they can't see it and they then accuse me of selfishness and lack of love for them, because of my attention for them!
He gives us guidelines for our own good, not His.
He loves us first, we love Him back.
When once and for all again and again we remember that HE LOVES US-
Is there anything I wouldn't do for His Love? Not to earn it, but in response to it?
How far am I willing to go, how deep is it anyway? What keeps me from stepping off into it>What am I afraid of?
1 John 4:19
"We love because he first loved us."
"4 But[c] God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, 5 even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved—" Ephesians 2:4-6
"may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ," Ephesians 3:18
Sunday, February 5, 2012
CONTENTMENT
con·tent·ment
noun
1.
the state of being contented; satisfaction; ease of mind.
Today Maury and I met again with Pastor Jimmy and gave an update of where we are at. mainly our discussions revolve around our finances. I realized today that there are parts of me that have risen up to the surface like flies in the cream. Stuff that I freely share and assume is just the way I am, the way of the world one might say. When I am pressed about these attitudes I talk about them like they don't belong to me, like someone left them in a basket on my doorstep and I just decided to take them in because I had no choice. Lord, forgive me!
Contentment, that is what we are lacking. Here I am, all defensive about our position in life, wanting to prove to everyone that we are able to get it all together and quit being needy once and for all. I have been more concerned with what others may think because I am the one with the problem of thinking way too often about others and what I think of them!
ARGHHH
Wretched woman that I am!
This is stuff I have had in me, God is doing a 'deep cleanse' and bringing this stuff up so that I, yes, I- can repent. I was missing the point.
I always think of contentment as a cop out. Like it gives my life a stamp of approval and a "well done" check mark in the todo box. That is not true,
it is possible to be content and also be the change, just ask Ghandi;
“Man’s happiness really lies in contentment.”
“Healthy discontent is the prelude to progress.”
I can be content and accept who I am, how I am and give God all the Glory He is worthy to receive. I can find the place between presumption and pride-it is called humility. Love is the only way to find it. God is so patient with me.
Then I can accept who you are, how you are and give God all the Glory for that too.
I can be passionate, purposeful and forgiving
Yet the truth remains;
apart from Christ-I can do nothing.
Jesus, I need you
I am called again to conviction, repentance and gratitude
It amazes me how blind I can be, to my own stuff of course.
God's mercy is amazing, His Grace abounds and Holy Holy Holy is the LORD almighty
noun
1.
the state of being contented; satisfaction; ease of mind.
Today Maury and I met again with Pastor Jimmy and gave an update of where we are at. mainly our discussions revolve around our finances. I realized today that there are parts of me that have risen up to the surface like flies in the cream. Stuff that I freely share and assume is just the way I am, the way of the world one might say. When I am pressed about these attitudes I talk about them like they don't belong to me, like someone left them in a basket on my doorstep and I just decided to take them in because I had no choice. Lord, forgive me!
Contentment, that is what we are lacking. Here I am, all defensive about our position in life, wanting to prove to everyone that we are able to get it all together and quit being needy once and for all. I have been more concerned with what others may think because I am the one with the problem of thinking way too often about others and what I think of them!
ARGHHH
Wretched woman that I am!
This is stuff I have had in me, God is doing a 'deep cleanse' and bringing this stuff up so that I, yes, I- can repent. I was missing the point.
I always think of contentment as a cop out. Like it gives my life a stamp of approval and a "well done" check mark in the todo box. That is not true,
it is possible to be content and also be the change, just ask Ghandi;
“Man’s happiness really lies in contentment.”
“Healthy discontent is the prelude to progress.”
I can be content and accept who I am, how I am and give God all the Glory He is worthy to receive. I can find the place between presumption and pride-it is called humility. Love is the only way to find it. God is so patient with me.
Then I can accept who you are, how you are and give God all the Glory for that too.
I can be passionate, purposeful and forgiving
Yet the truth remains;
apart from Christ-I can do nothing.
Jesus, I need you
I am called again to conviction, repentance and gratitude
It amazes me how blind I can be, to my own stuff of course.
God's mercy is amazing, His Grace abounds and Holy Holy Holy is the LORD almighty
Saturday, October 29, 2011
October 2011
It has been a while to say it shortly.
We moved into the country, into a house I love with scenery surrounding us and we are doing much better. I gave birth to my 6th child and 2nd girl on the 24th of September at home in 2 hours and 10 minutes.
I have decided that women are amazing and I am glad to be one.
The drawbacks of our new home are few, and inconvenient; we have to drive 30 minutes to run most errands, we cannot get internet service, not even dial up, we have terrible phone reception and must stand on our front porch to talk. All these things are worth the pleasures of a big house in the country.
This weekend I am on the internet because I came to the mountains with my friend and 2 of her children and 3 of mine. A little getaway.
Just like our home, the price of retreat means more miles to town, little phone reception and lots and lots of natural beauty. I look out the window and it is postcard pretty on every side, I am confronted with majesty, like it or not.
The clouds are puffy and white and the sky is dotting the clouds with blue. Sun shines fiercly yet the air is crispy chilly. Today we will eat, drive, wander and meander, return and eat, talk and rest, plan for tomorrow. God, I love a holiday! thank you
We moved into the country, into a house I love with scenery surrounding us and we are doing much better. I gave birth to my 6th child and 2nd girl on the 24th of September at home in 2 hours and 10 minutes.
I have decided that women are amazing and I am glad to be one.
The drawbacks of our new home are few, and inconvenient; we have to drive 30 minutes to run most errands, we cannot get internet service, not even dial up, we have terrible phone reception and must stand on our front porch to talk. All these things are worth the pleasures of a big house in the country.
This weekend I am on the internet because I came to the mountains with my friend and 2 of her children and 3 of mine. A little getaway.
Just like our home, the price of retreat means more miles to town, little phone reception and lots and lots of natural beauty. I look out the window and it is postcard pretty on every side, I am confronted with majesty, like it or not.
The clouds are puffy and white and the sky is dotting the clouds with blue. Sun shines fiercly yet the air is crispy chilly. Today we will eat, drive, wander and meander, return and eat, talk and rest, plan for tomorrow. God, I love a holiday! thank you
Saturday, May 28, 2011
how hard!
"If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are always above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on the earth." Colossians 3:1-2
Above...
the pile of dirty dishes that never stops
Mt. Clothsmore and its many peaks ranging from room to room and out to the clothsline and back again.
Bills, bills and bills
the way I often get avoided and rejected by the ones I love the most
resistance that meets every ounce of instruction and frustration that seeks root all day long
the unkind words and thoughtless judgements of those who mean well but know little
aching feet and cramping legs and a record of sleepless nights
the lack of cool air
the abundance of ridiculously diligent ants that won't quit,no matter what
a rude person or two serving in the public eye
news that seems to be bad
complications
my mind
what I see and feel
It's so hard! The big tragedies, the huge tests and trials-those have been easier somehow, the stuff that others can see without you having to explain. When it's nobodies business and they tread carefully around what is said(to your face anyways)
It's these daily trials of repetitive failures and "Murphy's Law" the long haul and the stuff that you wrestle with day in and out over and over. It's the same old, same old.
and again I fall, I fail and flail and again I remember why...I am driven to my knees and don't even know what to ask for except help.
It isn't always pretty, the stuff above-often I can't even make it out, I can barely tell it's there. But if I go low enough, if I fall on my face and cry out-confess my little faith and doubts and fears, if I can go that low again.As often as it takes. Then I find a way to let go, even if there is nothing big to see, when I am crushed and squeezed and the breath of the enemy heavy and hot on my heels seeks to snag and consume me. I resist, but I can't fight- so I surrender again.
My way for His way
My lowness for His Highness
My wrong for His Right
It's hard to find the above from here below...
Above...
the pile of dirty dishes that never stops
Mt. Clothsmore and its many peaks ranging from room to room and out to the clothsline and back again.
Bills, bills and bills
the way I often get avoided and rejected by the ones I love the most
resistance that meets every ounce of instruction and frustration that seeks root all day long
the unkind words and thoughtless judgements of those who mean well but know little
aching feet and cramping legs and a record of sleepless nights
the lack of cool air
the abundance of ridiculously diligent ants that won't quit,no matter what
a rude person or two serving in the public eye
news that seems to be bad
complications
my mind
what I see and feel
It's so hard! The big tragedies, the huge tests and trials-those have been easier somehow, the stuff that others can see without you having to explain. When it's nobodies business and they tread carefully around what is said(to your face anyways)
It's these daily trials of repetitive failures and "Murphy's Law" the long haul and the stuff that you wrestle with day in and out over and over. It's the same old, same old.
and again I fall, I fail and flail and again I remember why...I am driven to my knees and don't even know what to ask for except help.
It isn't always pretty, the stuff above-often I can't even make it out, I can barely tell it's there. But if I go low enough, if I fall on my face and cry out-confess my little faith and doubts and fears, if I can go that low again.As often as it takes. Then I find a way to let go, even if there is nothing big to see, when I am crushed and squeezed and the breath of the enemy heavy and hot on my heels seeks to snag and consume me. I resist, but I can't fight- so I surrender again.
My way for His way
My lowness for His Highness
My wrong for His Right
It's hard to find the above from here below...
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Searching
Looking and finding and searching and seeking-This is the call of Christ.
Matthew 6:33
"But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you."
Matthew 7:7
"Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you."
Luke 12:29-31
"And do not seek what you are to eat and what you are to drink, nor be worried.For all the nations of the world seek after these things, and your Father knows that you need them.Instead, seek his kingdom, and these things will be added to you."
***************************************************************************************
Seeking Him, His ways and His will- that means not seeking Me, My ways or My will.
It is a death to self. I gladly relinquish control. After many years of blaming others for being in the way of "MY" dreams and "MY" great ideas, plans and schemes I can truly say that I don't know what to do with ME. I also don't know what to do with YOU.
Now that I have given up control and the right to believe that I am right does this excuse my responsibility(ies) Am I no longer called to do well or to even try?
Do I just lazily sit back and let the world(His world)fall apart and just hope that Christ's forgiveness is enough. Or am I still to "seek" and if I am seeking what am I seeking for? Why can't it just be plain? or is it?
I am on a quest-
to find Blessing and gifts in the most unlikely places. No time for slothful living here on this search. To the judgemental bystander I appear a fool, with my hands up and open, my eyes looking past the mess to see the glory, the fingerprints of a loving God who has tried so tenderly to explain over and over and over again that this world is not all there is, that what happens here is about Him, not me and that His plans for me are great and wise. To look at how He came, His only Son not spared rejection, torture or misunderstanding, yet the fullness of all the Deity within Him. He did more for us than any ever will- He gave us a great example of how to live, serve, speak, not speak, submit to the Father, Trust and yes, die.
Simple
Seek
Look for the treasure, it is all around. Now that I have started to look-I admit I realize how badly wired and lazy I am-I resist praise! It is so simple, to seek- it is what we are created to do. Oh, how distorted pride makes our vision. We seek to escape the reality that God gives us that will refine and transform us like we know we need to be. His Word tells us that His mercies are new every morning-Seek for them!
Am I carrying a miracle of life in my old used womb again? PRAISE HIM- it is a mercy and a gift!
Am I inconvenienced by people, little and big who need help and I am here to give it?
PRAISE HIM!
Am I tired, worn out, spent and waiting on others to come through?
PRAISE HIM!
Am I totally dependent on God the Father because I have no idea how to do all I have been given to do?
PRAISE HIM!
Did I just forget to look for the Blessing and then He sent a messenger to remind me, like a clue in National Treasure? Did I see the clue?
PRAISE HIM!
Is my air conditioner out and we are having a heat wave and now I find myself wondering how missionaries give up their creature comforts for Christ, so I pray for them and the ones who live day in and day out without standard american comfort all over the world- and I wonder if they have found joy, if they are thankful and I pray that they are-and I am now wondering over the mystery of Christ and the Cross and how I need not question God's goodness, His intentions for me- How when years ago He answered my prayers to make me "new" with a baptism of fire that hasn't stopped-how hungry and thirsty I am for Him and Heaven and how I know that no matter how hot and uncomfortable I may be here, now- it is as close to hell as I will ever get.
PRAISE HIM!
and my day will continue now, and I will be searching-high and low- for treasures amid the shipwreck, you should too-
Matthew 6:33
"But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you."
Matthew 7:7
"Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you."
Luke 12:29-31
"And do not seek what you are to eat and what you are to drink, nor be worried.For all the nations of the world seek after these things, and your Father knows that you need them.Instead, seek his kingdom, and these things will be added to you."
***************************************************************************************
Seeking Him, His ways and His will- that means not seeking Me, My ways or My will.
It is a death to self. I gladly relinquish control. After many years of blaming others for being in the way of "MY" dreams and "MY" great ideas, plans and schemes I can truly say that I don't know what to do with ME. I also don't know what to do with YOU.
Now that I have given up control and the right to believe that I am right does this excuse my responsibility(ies) Am I no longer called to do well or to even try?
Do I just lazily sit back and let the world(His world)fall apart and just hope that Christ's forgiveness is enough. Or am I still to "seek" and if I am seeking what am I seeking for? Why can't it just be plain? or is it?
I am on a quest-
to find Blessing and gifts in the most unlikely places. No time for slothful living here on this search. To the judgemental bystander I appear a fool, with my hands up and open, my eyes looking past the mess to see the glory, the fingerprints of a loving God who has tried so tenderly to explain over and over and over again that this world is not all there is, that what happens here is about Him, not me and that His plans for me are great and wise. To look at how He came, His only Son not spared rejection, torture or misunderstanding, yet the fullness of all the Deity within Him. He did more for us than any ever will- He gave us a great example of how to live, serve, speak, not speak, submit to the Father, Trust and yes, die.
Simple
Seek
Look for the treasure, it is all around. Now that I have started to look-I admit I realize how badly wired and lazy I am-I resist praise! It is so simple, to seek- it is what we are created to do. Oh, how distorted pride makes our vision. We seek to escape the reality that God gives us that will refine and transform us like we know we need to be. His Word tells us that His mercies are new every morning-Seek for them!
Am I carrying a miracle of life in my old used womb again? PRAISE HIM- it is a mercy and a gift!
Am I inconvenienced by people, little and big who need help and I am here to give it?
PRAISE HIM!
Am I tired, worn out, spent and waiting on others to come through?
PRAISE HIM!
Am I totally dependent on God the Father because I have no idea how to do all I have been given to do?
PRAISE HIM!
Did I just forget to look for the Blessing and then He sent a messenger to remind me, like a clue in National Treasure? Did I see the clue?
PRAISE HIM!
Is my air conditioner out and we are having a heat wave and now I find myself wondering how missionaries give up their creature comforts for Christ, so I pray for them and the ones who live day in and day out without standard american comfort all over the world- and I wonder if they have found joy, if they are thankful and I pray that they are-and I am now wondering over the mystery of Christ and the Cross and how I need not question God's goodness, His intentions for me- How when years ago He answered my prayers to make me "new" with a baptism of fire that hasn't stopped-how hungry and thirsty I am for Him and Heaven and how I know that no matter how hot and uncomfortable I may be here, now- it is as close to hell as I will ever get.
PRAISE HIM!
and my day will continue now, and I will be searching-high and low- for treasures amid the shipwreck, you should too-
Monday, May 23, 2011
why so serious?
I am currently reading another book about gratitude and it has revealed much fear in me. I don't know if it is because I am pregnant and it's a girl or if this would feel so, well, "feely" for me any other time. I had the realization before I read the current book, early on in my pregnancy that I had a hard time relating to a certain type of woman. Just look for Yoga pregnancy workout videos on You Tube and you may find what I did and see what I mean. There is so much femininity, so much "connecting" with the new life within you, so much acknowledgment of this miracle within your womb-that honestly I felt like running and lifting weights would be a better option for me. (As if I will be able to do anything of the sort regularly!) I mentioned to a friend who was exploring becoming a birth educator and had really fallen in like with a class/curriculum/philosophy called "Spiritual Birthing" or something like that, that I didn't like to focus on my unborn baby because I was afraid to love something so uncertain, so unseen, so small-. I left it at that. I have not pursued anything"Spiritual" and have even quit doing my Yoga because I didn't want to become "that kind of woman" I have instead pursued the firm foundation of reading my Bible and obeying God's Law or at least wanting to and praying to. I just can't seem to blend the two types together. The woman that Loves the Law and the Spirit, that is soft and feminine but not helpless, vulnerable but able to bear a burden or ten, wild and free, loyal and devoted...
I haven't liked her very much, the "spiritually soft one" I left her alone and I expected her to do the same to me.
Now I'm reading this book on being thankful as a doorway to communion with the Lord, the key to living in Grace and the fullness of life that He died for us to live. And she is back, I am afraid of her. She is syrupy and teary eyed and sentimental(focus on the mental)She dances in the moonlight and takes pictures of flowers and I stare at my sleeping toddler who looks absolutely like the closest thing to god that I can imagine-and I hate time and the "what if's" that wake me up at night and the fact that there is so much pain in childbirth and that part of me wishes that I could just drink and drug my way through it all and drown all these tender emotions. I hate that I could be totally in love with my sleeping toddler and completely mean to my walking, wakeful teenager and wicked to the stranger who doesn't serve me well. How forgetful I am of wearing my shoes of the gospel of peace because I am busy shining my breastplate of righteousness. How little I trust God. I am afraid to love. Because I am afraid to lose.
yeah, I know-"Perfect love casts out fear"
What does that even mean? To the one who loves much and loses everything-Who knows what it means to be saved and then no longer wishes to dance on the edge of the boat rail. Who would rather wait in the boat these days and forget about walking on the water.
I am no longer interested in being a spiritual super hero. I just want relief.
I haven't liked her very much, the "spiritually soft one" I left her alone and I expected her to do the same to me.
Now I'm reading this book on being thankful as a doorway to communion with the Lord, the key to living in Grace and the fullness of life that He died for us to live. And she is back, I am afraid of her. She is syrupy and teary eyed and sentimental(focus on the mental)She dances in the moonlight and takes pictures of flowers and I stare at my sleeping toddler who looks absolutely like the closest thing to god that I can imagine-and I hate time and the "what if's" that wake me up at night and the fact that there is so much pain in childbirth and that part of me wishes that I could just drink and drug my way through it all and drown all these tender emotions. I hate that I could be totally in love with my sleeping toddler and completely mean to my walking, wakeful teenager and wicked to the stranger who doesn't serve me well. How forgetful I am of wearing my shoes of the gospel of peace because I am busy shining my breastplate of righteousness. How little I trust God. I am afraid to love. Because I am afraid to lose.
yeah, I know-"Perfect love casts out fear"
What does that even mean? To the one who loves much and loses everything-Who knows what it means to be saved and then no longer wishes to dance on the edge of the boat rail. Who would rather wait in the boat these days and forget about walking on the water.
I am no longer interested in being a spiritual super hero. I just want relief.
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