I woke up and the first thing I thought was the last thing I thought,"I can't do this."
Typical to this train, I am about to step on board while I also am looking around on the platform hoping that someone will be running towards me frantically shouting for me to "get off! This is the wrong train!!"
But instead I am greeted by my Lord as conductor and as he punches my ticket he says," I know you can't, you never could...come in and sit down, rest and enjoy the life Christ died to give you."
"Turn to me and be gracious to me,
for I am lonely and afflicted.
The troubles of my heart are enlarged;
bring me out of my distresses.
Consider my affliction and my trouble, and forgive all my sins." Psalm 25:16-18
And HE does, and HE has and I am so thankful.
again.
I am glad it's Friday, this week has been a landmark; A last minute trip to Duke with our 11 yr old, talk of impending brain surgery, almost not being able to pay our past due electric bill, first day back to homeschool and using the new chore system. Daddy being gone to find work out of town, because there is nothing here soon enough. Running out of rice...
The train has definitely left the station, yes ma'am...she's a goner!!
Thank you I am never doing this alone.
God is always with me
Friday, August 27, 2010
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
A wonderful day
Today was our first official day back to school. Our lives have been a bit upside down in the last few years, with me being sick and all, our 16 year old son being so...ya know, 16. A year and a half ago,my husband was laid off from his "secure"job at a major builder the same week I had to have a complete thyroidectomy. Homeschool, by the way, was the right way to go through all this. It just keeps me on my knees and gives me plenty of opportunity to die to self and serve others.
To go back even further, our 2nd born child was born with a genetic disease in which he seems to display all the classic symptoms. It is called Tuberous Sclerosis Complex and for him so far has meant a struggle to control seizures. In the past two years, it has gotten harder and a few monthes back we decided to switch medicine for only the 3rd time in 11 years. He also had a routine MRI and is on the schedule to have a specialist look more closely at cysts on his kidneys and a genetic counseling appointment that we are finally submitting to.
Two weeks ago he had the MRI and 5 days ago Dr. Mikati called to let us know that we would be coming to Duke on Monday for an appointment with the neurosurgeon, Dr. Grant. It appears that there is a growth in Peter's right ventricle, nick named"SEGA" and it will need removed as it is causing him to have hydrocephalus. The Doc didn't say when, only that Peter didn't seem to be displaying any alarming symptoms and let him know if he develops any. He also told us to take any family trips that we were considering. I am not sure what that meant.
The funny thing was that I was mostly mad about the appointment being on the first day of school that I had scheduled! You see, for about 2 years our lives have had spurts of structure that has revolved around how I felt on any given day. Sometimes I would fall asleep while reading out loud!
Finally, I am well wnough to only require labs every 6 monthes instead of weeks. I can exercise hard and not suffer with the rebound! I can sleep a normal amount of time instead of like a cat.
Thank you Jesus, this year I feel good.
I am prepared and I am planned.
HAHA
Now, we will be organized and planned and systems will be in place. Routines are being taught and I am understanding more what it means to train a child. And this year is going to be great because our God is Great. Even if it means that one of my children will be having an operation on his brain.Even if my husband doesn't land the perfect job and even if my 16 year old will turn 17. I am trusting Him.
To go back even further, our 2nd born child was born with a genetic disease in which he seems to display all the classic symptoms. It is called Tuberous Sclerosis Complex and for him so far has meant a struggle to control seizures. In the past two years, it has gotten harder and a few monthes back we decided to switch medicine for only the 3rd time in 11 years. He also had a routine MRI and is on the schedule to have a specialist look more closely at cysts on his kidneys and a genetic counseling appointment that we are finally submitting to.
Two weeks ago he had the MRI and 5 days ago Dr. Mikati called to let us know that we would be coming to Duke on Monday for an appointment with the neurosurgeon, Dr. Grant. It appears that there is a growth in Peter's right ventricle, nick named"SEGA" and it will need removed as it is causing him to have hydrocephalus. The Doc didn't say when, only that Peter didn't seem to be displaying any alarming symptoms and let him know if he develops any. He also told us to take any family trips that we were considering. I am not sure what that meant.
The funny thing was that I was mostly mad about the appointment being on the first day of school that I had scheduled! You see, for about 2 years our lives have had spurts of structure that has revolved around how I felt on any given day. Sometimes I would fall asleep while reading out loud!
Finally, I am well wnough to only require labs every 6 monthes instead of weeks. I can exercise hard and not suffer with the rebound! I can sleep a normal amount of time instead of like a cat.
Thank you Jesus, this year I feel good.
I am prepared and I am planned.
HAHA
Now, we will be organized and planned and systems will be in place. Routines are being taught and I am understanding more what it means to train a child. And this year is going to be great because our God is Great. Even if it means that one of my children will be having an operation on his brain.Even if my husband doesn't land the perfect job and even if my 16 year old will turn 17. I am trusting Him.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Do you know what someone said to me?
Today a very good friend of mine said that neither I nor my husband will "let someone tell us what to do" I do not take this as a compliment! It was said in the context of a conversation in which I was sharing our decision to seek wise counsel about the serious financial rut that we are in. God has always provided for us everything that we need and more. We are not perfect. I am a stay at home mom who teaches and trains 4 boys and 1 girl everyday of the year. I am committed to being an excellent wife and mother. Financially I have gone from a clueless brat to a grateful child. My husband is on the same track. We are both in need of wisdom from the Lord in how to live.
We have received so much help from the church and yes, even the government. Relatives who are not Christ lovers have blessed us and helped us in many ways.
Our lifestyle is not extravagant, though we do tend to rent too many movies and never plan trips. We want more. To be debt free and able to live without worry that the money to pay the electric bill will never come in. To have a 401k and a college fund for each child. To be average. To take the yearly trips to Disney, pay for every trend and consume only the finest of fare. We deserve it...right? As I was speaking to a trusted mentor and friend about our many needs and my frustration with same old problems, my desire for a 401k, she said,"Yeah, but where is God going to be glorified in a 401k?" I get it, everytime I start with my complaint and this line of "don't I need to have it all together(on the outside) to bring God all the glory and impress everyone with his order and goodness" thing, he reminds me of this 1/2 inch biography of George Mueller that I read about once a year.
You see, George rescued and raised many orphans in England when there was no extra money around. It is said that once he set the table and then prayed, thanking God for the food and blessing it. The trouble on that table was that there was no bread. Imagine being a child at that table! Then the knock on the door-a unplanned visitor with food for their meal. God is real.
I am not saying that I want to live in such a way to willingly put God to the test by being a poor steward then relying on Him to come through for me. I am saying that we are doing what we are being led to do and things seem to be getting worse not better(from our narrow view)Is faith believing that if I do A, B and C then God will bless me and my problems will vanish? NO!!!!! That is the way of the religious heart, not a heart that knows that God is Good and can praise Him when the tides don't change and the famine continues. Who isn't dependent on it's own goodness to carry it through but leaning heavily on God in every way. To know Him, to fellowship in His sufferings, to love Him- that is the call.
"He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit."-Jer 17:8
Is fruit being born? Yes! Praise God, I am learning to go deeper in my root system, to search for the living water and to believe in the one who rules the weather. Drought is not forever for us! Thank you Jesus. Our leaves are green alright, we are green all over!
Our decision to go to the counselor is in hopes of finding an objective party who is not soaked in our worldly secular society who understands our priorities of raising kids before buying more, bigger, better stuff. So, the comment didn't sit well with me. Because "thou dost protest too much" I have to ask myself,"Is this true?" I know that it is. I struggle with pride. Call it independence, call it knowledge and a need to know. The Lord calls it pride and it is not a virtue. It opened up hell and brought sin to all humanity, it is the beginning of the end-and it is so sneaky!!
I very rarely will ask what I should do and will just forge ahead with great ideas I have formulated from experience, what I have heard and what I have found out.
I decided right then and there to ask my man(we were on a long road trip)How many times a week he thought I should be working out. What he thinks I should be eating and what time I need to go to bed with said wake up time of 5:30. Some of his answers surprised me. Especially about the diet. He has much higher standards for me(based on my physical conditions)than I knew.
I am going to do what he recommended! So there-my first step in letting someone who loves me tell me what to do. And yes, I am also going to apply that same attitude to my relationship with the Lord. Aren't you proud of me for repenting??(ha)
We have received so much help from the church and yes, even the government. Relatives who are not Christ lovers have blessed us and helped us in many ways.
Our lifestyle is not extravagant, though we do tend to rent too many movies and never plan trips. We want more. To be debt free and able to live without worry that the money to pay the electric bill will never come in. To have a 401k and a college fund for each child. To be average. To take the yearly trips to Disney, pay for every trend and consume only the finest of fare. We deserve it...right? As I was speaking to a trusted mentor and friend about our many needs and my frustration with same old problems, my desire for a 401k, she said,"Yeah, but where is God going to be glorified in a 401k?" I get it, everytime I start with my complaint and this line of "don't I need to have it all together(on the outside) to bring God all the glory and impress everyone with his order and goodness" thing, he reminds me of this 1/2 inch biography of George Mueller that I read about once a year.
You see, George rescued and raised many orphans in England when there was no extra money around. It is said that once he set the table and then prayed, thanking God for the food and blessing it. The trouble on that table was that there was no bread. Imagine being a child at that table! Then the knock on the door-a unplanned visitor with food for their meal. God is real.
I am not saying that I want to live in such a way to willingly put God to the test by being a poor steward then relying on Him to come through for me. I am saying that we are doing what we are being led to do and things seem to be getting worse not better(from our narrow view)Is faith believing that if I do A, B and C then God will bless me and my problems will vanish? NO!!!!! That is the way of the religious heart, not a heart that knows that God is Good and can praise Him when the tides don't change and the famine continues. Who isn't dependent on it's own goodness to carry it through but leaning heavily on God in every way. To know Him, to fellowship in His sufferings, to love Him- that is the call.
"He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit."-Jer 17:8
Is fruit being born? Yes! Praise God, I am learning to go deeper in my root system, to search for the living water and to believe in the one who rules the weather. Drought is not forever for us! Thank you Jesus. Our leaves are green alright, we are green all over!
Our decision to go to the counselor is in hopes of finding an objective party who is not soaked in our worldly secular society who understands our priorities of raising kids before buying more, bigger, better stuff. So, the comment didn't sit well with me. Because "thou dost protest too much" I have to ask myself,"Is this true?" I know that it is. I struggle with pride. Call it independence, call it knowledge and a need to know. The Lord calls it pride and it is not a virtue. It opened up hell and brought sin to all humanity, it is the beginning of the end-and it is so sneaky!!
I very rarely will ask what I should do and will just forge ahead with great ideas I have formulated from experience, what I have heard and what I have found out.
I decided right then and there to ask my man(we were on a long road trip)How many times a week he thought I should be working out. What he thinks I should be eating and what time I need to go to bed with said wake up time of 5:30. Some of his answers surprised me. Especially about the diet. He has much higher standards for me(based on my physical conditions)than I knew.
I am going to do what he recommended! So there-my first step in letting someone who loves me tell me what to do. And yes, I am also going to apply that same attitude to my relationship with the Lord. Aren't you proud of me for repenting??(ha)
Sunday, August 22, 2010
by now we know...
well, by now we all know that my "goals" and time standards are my weakness. I love to set myself up for defeat. What I have been up to?
I have been getting ready for summer to end and school to start. Wondering if we will be able to pay our past due mortgage and all the utilities that go with it. I have been preparing for us to stay. I turned my decluttered sun room into a place to do haircuts for friends and family for the summer-but as I pondered our school needs-I realized that my children love school stuff and God gave me inspiration and a way to rearrange our home so that we could use what we already have and only need a few items to have a classroom. I moved it all around, went through our school books and gathered a few supplies. I won some online curriculum pieces. I have planned the overalls for most subjects with little funding. One schedule is done, yet may prove to be completely undoable, chore charts are up, meal plans in place- I have a few finishing touches here and there. Yesterday, my awesome handy man hubbie built their desks and they are now in place with drawer carts ready to be filled underneath.
This room has become the perfect place to do school! Thank you Lord!
And planning to start tomorrow, I was blindsided when I received the call on Thursday evening to tell us that we will be going to Duke on Monday to see the brain surgeon for Peter instead. Bummer.
Schooling in the car, oh well-
adaptation, we can do all things through Christ who strengthens us.
This is why we need Jesus and this is why we homeschool- one of many reasons to homeschool.
Praying and believing that "He works all things together for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose."- Romans 8:28
I have been getting ready for summer to end and school to start. Wondering if we will be able to pay our past due mortgage and all the utilities that go with it. I have been preparing for us to stay. I turned my decluttered sun room into a place to do haircuts for friends and family for the summer-but as I pondered our school needs-I realized that my children love school stuff and God gave me inspiration and a way to rearrange our home so that we could use what we already have and only need a few items to have a classroom. I moved it all around, went through our school books and gathered a few supplies. I won some online curriculum pieces. I have planned the overalls for most subjects with little funding. One schedule is done, yet may prove to be completely undoable, chore charts are up, meal plans in place- I have a few finishing touches here and there. Yesterday, my awesome handy man hubbie built their desks and they are now in place with drawer carts ready to be filled underneath.
This room has become the perfect place to do school! Thank you Lord!
And planning to start tomorrow, I was blindsided when I received the call on Thursday evening to tell us that we will be going to Duke on Monday to see the brain surgeon for Peter instead. Bummer.
Schooling in the car, oh well-
adaptation, we can do all things through Christ who strengthens us.
This is why we need Jesus and this is why we homeschool- one of many reasons to homeschool.
Praying and believing that "He works all things together for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose."- Romans 8:28
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Monday, July 5, 2010
Duh
The question is not of earning or meriting or coercing anything
from God. The question is: having tasted the goodness of
God in the gospel, how can I maximize my enjoyment of him,
when every moment of my life I am tempted to make a god out
of his good gifts? By what weapons shall I fight the fight of faith
and guard my heart from alien affections and treasonous
appetites? Surely I will take the sword of the Spirit, the Word of
God, and I will pray. But I will also take the poor and hungry
handmaid of faith as my help. In her weakness she is strong. Her
emptiness magnifies my need and makes the perfection of God
more precious. John Piper A Hunger for God
Now I am back on a disciplined plan for meals for me and my family. To avoid chaos and the spending of too much time and money trying to decide what to eat everyday for a family of 7. In order to streamline this area, discipline is required,(sigh). So, can I continue to see the "system" as a fast? I am fasting from disorserly eating on a whim, emotional eating and eating to try and satisfy my soul hunger. I am consuming food, but limited amounts of specific items. I am fasting from processed, fake, white stuff. I am fasting from idol worship.
When I looked back at my food journal on this system, I was shocked to see what a terrible job I did. Sometimes I ate 2 breakfasts! And rarely did I stay within the guidelines on portions at snacktime. Not only that, I was having a total pizza and ice cream pig out on Day 3! Yes, Day 3! What the?
I really couldn't understand why I didn't have any results. Deceived, Denial, Duh.
Now, the trick is to be structured, disciplined, orderly and mindful with Grace and intention. To continue to pursue a fasting lifestyle along with days and/or hours of specific fasting.
My only Hope is in The Lord, He is my Salvation.
from God. The question is: having tasted the goodness of
God in the gospel, how can I maximize my enjoyment of him,
when every moment of my life I am tempted to make a god out
of his good gifts? By what weapons shall I fight the fight of faith
and guard my heart from alien affections and treasonous
appetites? Surely I will take the sword of the Spirit, the Word of
God, and I will pray. But I will also take the poor and hungry
handmaid of faith as my help. In her weakness she is strong. Her
emptiness magnifies my need and makes the perfection of God
more precious. John Piper A Hunger for God
Now I am back on a disciplined plan for meals for me and my family. To avoid chaos and the spending of too much time and money trying to decide what to eat everyday for a family of 7. In order to streamline this area, discipline is required,(sigh). So, can I continue to see the "system" as a fast? I am fasting from disorserly eating on a whim, emotional eating and eating to try and satisfy my soul hunger. I am consuming food, but limited amounts of specific items. I am fasting from processed, fake, white stuff. I am fasting from idol worship.
When I looked back at my food journal on this system, I was shocked to see what a terrible job I did. Sometimes I ate 2 breakfasts! And rarely did I stay within the guidelines on portions at snacktime. Not only that, I was having a total pizza and ice cream pig out on Day 3! Yes, Day 3! What the?
I really couldn't understand why I didn't have any results. Deceived, Denial, Duh.
Now, the trick is to be structured, disciplined, orderly and mindful with Grace and intention. To continue to pursue a fasting lifestyle along with days and/or hours of specific fasting.
My only Hope is in The Lord, He is my Salvation.
Friday, July 2, 2010
Fear not
"Fear not, you are of more value than many sparrows"Luke 12:7
Oh, how I needed those words today. I do so much out of fear, so much that I am not even sure how much! A few years ago, after the time that I had my fourth child and only girl-we were going through financial strain and I decided that I would go back to work part time with my Dad and even though my DH(dear hubbie) supported this in theory, he didn't know how to take up the slack or live without me being available all the time. He also didn't like all the "fun" it seemed like I was having as I went on trips and shopping sprees and had an independence that was new. I could have chosen right away to walk away and submit to the facts, being that my family needed me and it wasn't working towards harmony but dragging us apart. But, I was so selfish and felt justified that they all needed to learn the hard way to quit relying on me, so I kept tugging.
Right before all this began, I had started to take a common prescription drug to cope with my overwhelming disappointment at the way my husband"helped" and my inability to stop crying. I had so much sadness. If you have ever been touched by true depression than you know what I am talking about. I got on the drug, for about 6 months so that I could think clearly and then decided that it was time to quit because I hadn't cried at all in that time. I knew that I would have to battle with the same demons again but I felt prepared knowing that.
I was no longer crying, I was angry. I didn't cry at all until I was on a business trip receiving a massage and it all came out. The massage therapist asked me permission to ask a deep question, I gave it and he asked,"What are you afraid of?" I was shocked. I hadn't realized the connection to my fear and my anger or my sadness. What was I afraid of? I didn't know exactly, but I began to look for it. I knew that I was afraid of leaving my family alone, esp my kids with their dad because I thought they would end up dead or worse...dirty and dressed all wrong. I was afraid of being poor and dependent, of not pleasing my Dad, all this situational stuff. What was at the root?
A few years go by, the question keeps coming back. I worked some here and there, but when it came to the point of my kids needing to be put in daycare, I would quit. We moved to another state and then my journey continued. After a year of being here, I was surprisingly pregnant. I was okay until after the birth. Then it came back, the anger to the point of tears, the nail digging frustration at my position(stuck in bed while the world fell apart) I had no joy, only pain and suffering. Yet,one day as I sat there wondering why,the Lord let me in on something. My anger was how I dealt with fear. Fear was the root. I had anxiety, but always thought that meant that my hands would tremble and my voice would shake.I had not attributed anger to being a response to fear. It was true. And in His gentle way, He has continued to show me how much I fear.
When I read this verse today, it stung me. How much of my worry is fear? All of it. I am afraid that if I don't do everything right or at least try than I will be to blame. I am afraid of trouble. Afraid of failure, afraid of being overlooked and forgotten, afraid of missing out on all the fun, afraid we'll never change...
but I wasn't acknowledging any of this fear because it is so natural to do something immediately in response to it to try and make it go away.
I wonder if the reason we turn to false idols is out of fear. Obviously not the right kind of fear, the fear of God-but the fear of stuff just not working out the way we thought it would. For me, I would say it is true. An idol of mine has been, "Skinny" I have thought all this time that "skinny saves" so I have sacrificed to her for many years. I didn't want to admit it, because I really thought it was true. Now, I know it is not. Skinny can not save me. Only God can. So I pray to not bow down to her. What I must not do is worship anything else in her place, except God of course. As with most idols, there is nothing wrong with her until she becomes my source of all satisfaction, a job reserved for the Lord. The answer is not to worship,"Fat" as if that would lead me to joy, because it is just another thing-not God. Only He can satisfy, Seek Him first and all else will be added. He is aware of my every little need.
I think that this equation will work for me with most things. Like money, if I am afraid of being poor and I don't take it to the Lord first, I am likely to worship money and do its bidding. If I am afraid that people don't like me then I am going to bow down at the idol of pleasing people more than God.
Lord, help me to keep You first! Thank you for relieving me of my fears, help me to rest in You. You are able to meet my every need and You know more than I do what those needs are. Thank you for everything in my life that calls me to fear, because through them, I am driven to You. Show me how to fear You above all else. Forgive me for my irreverent ways. Help my to teach and lead others into that God based fear. I love you.
Oh, how I needed those words today. I do so much out of fear, so much that I am not even sure how much! A few years ago, after the time that I had my fourth child and only girl-we were going through financial strain and I decided that I would go back to work part time with my Dad and even though my DH(dear hubbie) supported this in theory, he didn't know how to take up the slack or live without me being available all the time. He also didn't like all the "fun" it seemed like I was having as I went on trips and shopping sprees and had an independence that was new. I could have chosen right away to walk away and submit to the facts, being that my family needed me and it wasn't working towards harmony but dragging us apart. But, I was so selfish and felt justified that they all needed to learn the hard way to quit relying on me, so I kept tugging.
Right before all this began, I had started to take a common prescription drug to cope with my overwhelming disappointment at the way my husband"helped" and my inability to stop crying. I had so much sadness. If you have ever been touched by true depression than you know what I am talking about. I got on the drug, for about 6 months so that I could think clearly and then decided that it was time to quit because I hadn't cried at all in that time. I knew that I would have to battle with the same demons again but I felt prepared knowing that.
I was no longer crying, I was angry. I didn't cry at all until I was on a business trip receiving a massage and it all came out. The massage therapist asked me permission to ask a deep question, I gave it and he asked,"What are you afraid of?" I was shocked. I hadn't realized the connection to my fear and my anger or my sadness. What was I afraid of? I didn't know exactly, but I began to look for it. I knew that I was afraid of leaving my family alone, esp my kids with their dad because I thought they would end up dead or worse...dirty and dressed all wrong. I was afraid of being poor and dependent, of not pleasing my Dad, all this situational stuff. What was at the root?
A few years go by, the question keeps coming back. I worked some here and there, but when it came to the point of my kids needing to be put in daycare, I would quit. We moved to another state and then my journey continued. After a year of being here, I was surprisingly pregnant. I was okay until after the birth. Then it came back, the anger to the point of tears, the nail digging frustration at my position(stuck in bed while the world fell apart) I had no joy, only pain and suffering. Yet,one day as I sat there wondering why,the Lord let me in on something. My anger was how I dealt with fear. Fear was the root. I had anxiety, but always thought that meant that my hands would tremble and my voice would shake.I had not attributed anger to being a response to fear. It was true. And in His gentle way, He has continued to show me how much I fear.
When I read this verse today, it stung me. How much of my worry is fear? All of it. I am afraid that if I don't do everything right or at least try than I will be to blame. I am afraid of trouble. Afraid of failure, afraid of being overlooked and forgotten, afraid of missing out on all the fun, afraid we'll never change...
but I wasn't acknowledging any of this fear because it is so natural to do something immediately in response to it to try and make it go away.
I wonder if the reason we turn to false idols is out of fear. Obviously not the right kind of fear, the fear of God-but the fear of stuff just not working out the way we thought it would. For me, I would say it is true. An idol of mine has been, "Skinny" I have thought all this time that "skinny saves" so I have sacrificed to her for many years. I didn't want to admit it, because I really thought it was true. Now, I know it is not. Skinny can not save me. Only God can. So I pray to not bow down to her. What I must not do is worship anything else in her place, except God of course. As with most idols, there is nothing wrong with her until she becomes my source of all satisfaction, a job reserved for the Lord. The answer is not to worship,"Fat" as if that would lead me to joy, because it is just another thing-not God. Only He can satisfy, Seek Him first and all else will be added. He is aware of my every little need.
I think that this equation will work for me with most things. Like money, if I am afraid of being poor and I don't take it to the Lord first, I am likely to worship money and do its bidding. If I am afraid that people don't like me then I am going to bow down at the idol of pleasing people more than God.
Lord, help me to keep You first! Thank you for relieving me of my fears, help me to rest in You. You are able to meet my every need and You know more than I do what those needs are. Thank you for everything in my life that calls me to fear, because through them, I am driven to You. Show me how to fear You above all else. Forgive me for my irreverent ways. Help my to teach and lead others into that God based fear. I love you.
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