DENIAL

Crapping my pants because it is December 2nd and I have no gifts to give, no cards to send, no money to spend, no plans except survival. AGAIN. Talking to my husband yesterday in the car, I brought up this subject. Like, hey here we are again. It is time to participate and we can't. It has been like this every year since we have been together. Frankly I sick of it. What ensued was our usual money discussion where he says that mathematically speaking, we need to spend less than we make. then I hold my tongue, and find a more delicate way to say-"no shit Sherlock" but that is not all I say because-we live on less money than most and don't do what most do. My weakness in spending is insisting on healthy food. Because I think that it matters. I have learned how to do it on less and not all we do is great. But we get to eat well. And overall we are healthy. I say, let's make more. He says,"Go ahead" I am going to scream. BECAUSE here it is December again- and here we are with no gifts, no plans and no desire to change. at least not enough to try. Why? I want to change. I want to change I want to change I am always reading about God's ability to change us. I am impatient. I hate the process on days like today when I can't go get the tree I want and the tree stand I need and make our house look festive and cute. When I have to wonder why it seems like I am the only AWAKE person that is here. Am I denial or are you? What should I be denying exactly? According to some schools of thought...EVERYTHING. Because none of this here that I can see with my human eyes matters. It is an illusion and egocentric and not the truth but a house of lies. The real world lays beyond and within. And if that is true than why is this the best that I could come up with? What is wrong with my mind? I want more but I don't know of what. Maybe Love. I definitely want more love. I get ignorance. God Help Me.

It's been a while...

I am stuck. To be or not is one of many questions I have. To start a new blog or re go with this one. I almost started off this post with a little bit of cussing but I have refrained for the moment. Ever heard the song,"99 Problems" well that is how I feel today. Although the chorus does say, " 99 problems but a bitch ain't one" and I think the whole premise is that the one singing this song is so amazing that he may be dealing with all kinds of stuff in his life but having a good woman on his arm is not a problem for him. COOL. Well, obviously I don't have a good woman to sing about, so perhaps for me the chorus would be more like,"99 problems and I feel like a bitch, you would too if you were me" not very catchy, is it? I decided to give up caffeinated coffee this week and I don't know if the whole world really has turned upside down or if feeling completely overwhelmed is part of my withdrawal. It seems that I am up and down and all around on any given day. I actually like the ups and all arounds it is the down and all around that I would like to say adios to forever. ANYHOW< It is weird to be a city girl that lives in the country. I took 5 of my kids to the rural Wal Mart today, 4 of them could spend money. The two boys had to get Red Rider BB guns, we went straight to the gun/hunting section. There was a boy about the same age also looking around at various stuff with an older looking man that I assumed to be his grandpa. The boy looked indigenous to the area with a buzz cut and about 20 lbs. more weight on him than necessary. The man was smiling nearly the whole time, he asked me how many and how old they were. He commented on us in a positive way and commended me for bringing them out. He then told me that he had 11 and that this boy was his 10th. I found myself commenting on his smile and assuming that he could smile because they probably had lots of money. Funny thing was that they had 2 or 3 small items in their cart- The boy looked at the guns but didn't get one today. Why were they happy? That's my issue. I know better.I struggle with more than an addiction to caffeine, I struggle with the illusion that more money would make me more happy. Right in the midst of thanksgiving and I am back on my face doing the hard Hallelujah! Thank you God, we have enough. Always! Joy doesn't come from the abundance of possessions or the anticipation of acquiring more stuff. It doesn't come from the outside in. Lord, help me remember. You are my unlimited source of joy. Peace and beauty, Love divine- it is in you. It is not in the resolving of my problems that I will find peace and freedom-but in the midst of the storm it is knowing that the one who designed it, also designed me and rides it out, calms it down and be with me. Thank you

Last night we(- the oldest son) went to attend the year end celebration/awards night for a church program that 2 of our children have attended for the last 2 years. It runs on Wednesday nights along with the traditional school year. Each age group is encouraged to memorize scripture,lots of scripture. They receive incentives like candy, prizes, patches, plaques etc. At the program last night, the leader of it all took the time to keep reiterating how every week these kids were "hearing the gospel" and she kept pointing out how many verses they learned and how that was beneficial and life changing. They had someone come up and share about money that the club had given to them to distribute in Africa, and how they use a soccer ball to tell the Gospel.
Now lately some of my thoughts on what is beneficial in our lives as individuals and as a family have come to a full head. I have been working diligently on our schedule for summer, fully anticipating the approach of the fall(school)
I myself have been seeking the Lord continually, intimately, daily-in every detail of my life. He is so sweet, I just want more. He's led me to a place of seeking order, prioritizing, setting standards and evaluating where we are at. It is a not my nature to live like that, I prefer chaos and being carried by the wind or else, in the past, I make such a strict standard that is so far off from where we are, usually based on somebody elses life, then get mad when I fail. This time-it is Christ first. How can we honor God with our lives? The time that He has graciously given us to use for His Glory, are we going to be caught off guard when Christ comes for us?
With that said, it has led to me questioning our current activities. Are they necessary? For what purpose and to what kingdom do they lead?
After all the awards were passed out, we were called to ice cream and socializing then on the way home I decided to ask the kids a question.
me, "What is the Gospel?"
them,"What?!"
Maury, frustrated,"Try wording it a different way.."
Me to him,"That is the term that the leader used, so they should know what I mean"
Him, "True."
Me,"So what is the Gospel"
Them,whispering, then,"don't know"
Us,"wow."
Our children have been in Church since they were born. For the past two years they have been at a traditional, southern style, established Church and attended VBS, Sunday School, Awanas, etc etc
We also have Home Schooled with Christian Curriculum and done devotions and Bible reading for years,
Is it that they don't have "ears to hear"? or is it that even the Church is permeated with too much busyness and distraction that no one is sure what the Truth of Jesus is anymore?
Is it both?
This breaks my heart and blows my mind.
It is the beginning of a new way of praying and living for us-
Thank you God

God loves

Isn't it ironic that the idea that I am a "special case, unique and different than everyone else" will keep me from doing what God and science have already proven works and I will continue to seek an alternative to the Truth-plain and simple.
The Irony is that God calls us to celebrate our uniqueness by joining together and to quit bending the truth to bow down to us and our self centered demands.
The problem with the first line of thought that the rules don't apply to me because I am so special is that I am deceived and don't really understand how special I really am! Keeping the rules because they work is different than breaking them to prove that they can't rule over me! The rules do rule, like it or not!
God has been effusive and patient with me while I refuse to do things the way He says works. I am humbled by His Grace. There is nothing in His Word that is not true, try to find an option-I dare you.
We love Him because He first loved us-
That's right, until you and I can grasp that we don't contribute to the "why" He chose us and loves us, we can't love Him or anyone back. We are stuck in a place of pride when we somehow believe that we are directing the world around us and trying to point His love towards us by virtue of how awesome and right we are. His light is on us all along, He is watching and loving and I wonder if any of my children acted in such a way what I would think of them?
I do know what it is like to be trying to lead your child in doing what is good and right, even though they can't see it and they then accuse me of selfishness and lack of love for them, because of my attention for them!
He gives us guidelines for our own good, not His.
He loves us first, we love Him back.
When once and for all again and again we remember that HE LOVES US-
Is there anything I wouldn't do for His Love? Not to earn it, but in response to it?
How far am I willing to go, how deep is it anyway? What keeps me from stepping off into it>What am I afraid of?
1 John 4:19
"We love because he first loved us."
"4 But[c] God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, 5 even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved—" Ephesians 2:4-6

"may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ," Ephesians 3:18

CONTENTMENT

con·tent·ment
   
noun
1.
the state of being contented; satisfaction; ease of mind.

Today Maury and I met again with Pastor Jimmy and gave an update of where we are at. mainly our discussions revolve around our finances. I realized today that there are parts of me that have risen up to the surface like flies in the cream. Stuff that I freely share and assume is just the way I am, the way of the world one might say. When I am pressed about these attitudes I talk about them like they don't belong to me, like someone left them in a basket on my doorstep and I just decided to take them in because I had no choice. Lord, forgive me!
Contentment, that is what we are lacking. Here I am, all defensive about our position in life, wanting to prove to everyone that we are able to get it all together and quit being needy once and for all. I have been more concerned with what others may think because I am the one with the problem of thinking way too often about others and what I think of them!
ARGHHH
Wretched woman that I am!
This is stuff I have had in me, God is doing a 'deep cleanse' and bringing this stuff up so that I, yes, I- can repent. I was missing the point.
I always think of contentment as a cop out. Like it gives my life a stamp of approval and a "well done" check mark in the todo box. That is not true,
it is possible to be content and also be the change, just ask Ghandi;
“Man’s happiness really lies in contentment.”
“Healthy discontent is the prelude to progress.”

I can be content and accept who I am, how I am and give God all the Glory He is worthy to receive. I can find the place between presumption and pride-it is called humility. Love is the only way to find it. God is so patient with me.
Then I can accept who you are, how you are and give God all the Glory for that too.
I can be passionate, purposeful and forgiving
Yet the truth remains;
apart from Christ-I can do nothing.
Jesus, I need you
I am called again to conviction, repentance and gratitude
It amazes me how blind I can be, to my own stuff of course.
God's mercy is amazing, His Grace abounds and Holy Holy Holy is the LORD almighty

October 2011

It has been a while to say it shortly.
We moved into the country, into a house I love with scenery surrounding us and we are doing much better. I gave birth to my 6th child and 2nd girl on the 24th of September at home in 2 hours and 10 minutes.
I have decided that women are amazing and I am glad to be one.
The drawbacks of our new home are few, and inconvenient; we have to drive 30 minutes to run most errands, we cannot get internet service, not even dial up, we have terrible phone reception and must stand on our front porch to talk. All these things are worth the pleasures of a big house in the country.
This weekend I am on the internet because I came to the mountains with my friend and 2 of her children and 3 of mine. A little getaway.
Just like our home, the price of retreat means more miles to town, little phone reception and lots and lots of natural beauty. I look out the window and it is postcard pretty on every side, I am confronted with majesty, like it or not.
The clouds are puffy and white and the sky is dotting the clouds with blue. Sun shines fiercly yet the air is crispy chilly. Today we will eat, drive, wander and meander, return and eat, talk and rest, plan for tomorrow. God, I love a holiday! thank you

how hard!

"If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are always above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on the earth." Colossians 3:1-2

Above...
the pile of dirty dishes that never stops
Mt. Clothsmore and its many peaks ranging from room to room and out to the clothsline and back again.
Bills, bills and bills
the way I often get avoided and rejected by the ones I love the most
resistance that meets every ounce of instruction and frustration that seeks root all day long
the unkind words and thoughtless judgements of those who mean well but know little
aching feet and cramping legs and a record of sleepless nights
the lack of cool air
the abundance of ridiculously diligent ants that won't quit,no matter what
a rude person or two serving in the public eye
news that seems to be bad
complications
my mind
what I see and feel


It's so hard! The big tragedies, the huge tests and trials-those have been easier somehow, the stuff that others can see without you having to explain. When it's nobodies business and they tread carefully around what is said(to your face anyways)
It's these daily trials of repetitive failures and "Murphy's Law" the long haul and the stuff that you wrestle with day in and out over and over. It's the same old, same old.
and again I fall, I fail and flail and again I remember why...I am driven to my knees and don't even know what to ask for except help.
It isn't always pretty, the stuff above-often I can't even make it out, I can barely tell it's there. But if I go low enough, if I fall on my face and cry out-confess my little faith and doubts and fears, if I can go that low again.As often as it takes. Then I find a way to let go, even if there is nothing big to see, when I am crushed and squeezed and the breath of the enemy heavy and hot on my heels seeks to snag and consume me. I resist, but I can't fight- so I surrender again.
My way for His way
My lowness for His Highness
My wrong for His Right
It's hard to find the above from here below...